Asterios Kills A Kid

YOUTUBE HATES HIM. Mumkey Jones teaches kids this one weird trick to solving interpersonal conflict at school. Producer Jesse here. I'm just going to say right off the bat that we record these episodes well in advance. Sometimes this means things feel a little dated, for example:   In the time since this episode was recorded, our guest host went from being a full-time Youtuber with over 300 thousand subscribers... to a cyber-hobo hauling his bindle of videos from platform to platform.   He's a zoomer. Never been doomed-er. I'm speaking of course of Mumkey Jones, who as I write has been banned from Youtube and had all of his channels deleted.   I have no doubt that he'll make it through this rough second act, but if you want to help our good friend on his way and see some more of his stuff, you can do that through his patreon at patreon.com/mumkey   Until then, close your eyes and let the smell of little boy asshole transport you back to the good old days. Here's our first question:

What to eat when you're high, how to get a fake ID, and more kid's questions are discussed SATIRICALLY with SATIRE this episode. "Producer" Jesse here! You may have noticed the quotes around the word "Producer". Some might see this as an attempt to legally distance myself from the advice given in this episode, but I assure you that I never had anything to do with this podcast in the first place so the observation's moot. But as a curious, unaffiliated observer, I'll outline some of the highlights: 01:34 - A kid asks about which snacks to pair with marijuana (an ILLEGAL DRUG). The hosts, who's names I think are Asterios and Sriracha, don't even try to persuade him to change his ways. Instead, they share the foods that they eat while under the influence. 12:30 - Sriracha presents a challenge to our their listeners - which includes impressionable teens - to insert sparkling water into their anus and report back. 13:56 - A teen asks how to get a fake ID. No comment. 26:39 - David from Wisc

I'm Producer Jesse and I may have made a mistake. I set up search analytics for our website, asterioskillsakid.com, and noticed that we were showing up in some odd search results for things like "veggietales transcript" and hardcore porn. So I sent it along to Asterios and Sriracha for a laugh and well...if these episodes from now the entire podcast is just keywords you know who to blame. But until then let's see what questions we've got this week! First up, here's one from CRINGE, our old friend from episode 3. "I must ask another question because it's a pressing issue, my cousin is visiting my area from France and he looks way better than me. I'm basically a fat manlet version of him. So he's attracting all of the chicks. I thought after his nose broke during a soccer game it would severely take him down a few notches. But it didn't because now he's getting more attention because of it. Any advice on how I can be better than him somehow without injuring myself for sympathy? Thanks." – CRINGE the e

  For the first and last time, Asterios kills some adults. Producer Jesse here! We've had a whole gaggle of callers since our last episode went live, which is great. Thank you all so much for leaving your voicemails at (347) 705-7617, and for submitting questions through the site.   That said, you all know this is a kid's advice podcast right? Because a few of these callers were obviously not... well here's a taste of the voicemails we received.   4:07 - Taiwanese "Boy"  6:36 - Sofa Kid  8:19 - David Clegg  10:53 - A man with a shitty decision to make  16:29 - Data  17:49 - Beta Dad  20:15 - Mike Hawk   I have to say these voicemails throw into question just how many submissions are from real kids. So from here on out, just to be clear, we're looking for voicemails from kids and teens. For example:   "After summer is done I'm starting 10th grade. Most of my friends are 1 year older than me and are therefore all going to new school

To Catch a Thrift-Shop-Owner, getting mean taunts out of your orbit, and what to do when you discover your teacher's twitter account... Producer Jesse here! Why don't you take a seat right over there? It's time we had a talk about who's a bigger pedo: Asterios or Sriracha. Debate it in the comments or leave a message on our voicemail line*... just remember to stay classy. How did we get on this topic? Well it all started with a question from listener PGAYSSS555. "Me and my Dad were Gonna watch GoodFellas but he had bought the DVD about 10 years earlier from a Thrift Store and it contained only half the Movie. How do I track down the People who sold my Dad this Shity Disc. Advice much Appreciated." — PGAYSSS555, 15 If you're trying to understand what this has to do with paedophilia I can't help you. You're really gonna have to just listen to the episode. Next question! "Dear Mr. Kokkiknows, Everybody at school makes fun of me for being big, soft, and cushiony. My dad says my body type is genetic and that I sho

  When they're not helping kids untangle their spaghetti brain, or getting them more views on YouTube, Asterios and Sriracha are helping mold our future cult leaders.     Producer Jesse here! I'd just like to take a moment to thank everyone for submitting so many great (and sometimes horrifying) questions. If you'd like to get in on the fun, visit oursubmit question page. This episode had a lot of firsts. We received our first voicemail, our first follow-up email, and for the first time in AKAK history, our hosts are given a question about something that they actually have experience handling: clinical depression. "Hey Guys I'm a big fan of the show and I would like you to help me solve a problem. So recently I've been seeing everything so negatively and I don't get why, everyone always asks me what's wrong and I don't have any way to answer them because I don't know. That jumbled mess summarized: how can I see the world more positively?" — Spaghetti , 14 Asterios and Sriracha rattle off so

A kid calls the teacher "Dad", a teen's edgelord friends are growing up, and a boy is literally fighting off girl's advances. This is Producer Jesse, apologizing in advance for the language you will hear on this episode of Asterios Kills a Kid. It is so obscene that I had to use an experimental censorship algorithm to make just this description palatable. Listen at your own risk. If you're a kid, and want Asterios to ██████ your ████████, you can initiate that here. Our first writer is a kid with some serious daddy issues: "Hi, i had this uncomfortable experience last week. During math class last week I accidentally called the teacher "dad", even though he's not my dad, and I like my real dad very much. My friends made fun of me for that all the time for the rest of the week. I am afraid this was not the last time this will happen, because I sometimes mix up people like that. How do I properly save face the next time it happens?" — Mendez, 11 You can't change what you said in the past, but you can

Wasp sting your friend? 8th graders steal your snowball? A girl has bigger boobs than you? This episode's all about getting your revenge. This is Producer Jesse welcoming you to another episode of Asterios Kills a Kid! If at any point while listening to the following you think, "Man, I know a kid with problems way more fucked up than this," go find that child, place them in front of a computer, and get them to submit their questions here. The first question this episode is from Hailey, a seven-year-old girl who's out for blood: Hello, can you help me? Yesterday my friend got stung by a wasp right in the face and her face got all big and red. We know where the nest is and I want to go wreck it, but my mom and dad say not to. Is it wrong to wreck the wasp nest even though one of them stung my friend? What is the best way to wreck it? — Hailey,  7 Asterios and Sriracha soberly advise Hailey to listen to her parents, who are only looking out for her safety and — oh wait, no, it turns out they reco

Welcome to the very first episode of Asterios Kills a Kid! We've got a site, the sound bits, a sexy thumbnail* – no workflow though! Who's supposed to write these descriptions? I don't know, I'm just the web designer. Ah well, fuck it here I go. In this very first episode of AKAK, Sriracha looks back on her time in girl scouts: particularly on a struggle she had with a girl named Kylie Eickelberg over their troupe crest. I won't tell you how the story ends, but I will say to check back soon for Kylie's phone number and home address. Asterios and Sriracha's first question was from a 13 year old girl. She writes: Hi, I am 13 and now suddenly growing up is a big deal. It has just happened, if you know what I mean. I cry now in my closet hugging my favorite stuffed animals because I just don't want to grow up. The only person I've "talked" to about it is my favorite stuffed animal. I've been playing with ALL my old toys lately, wearing butterfly shirts and watching cartoons. I'd do ANYTHING to be 8 again. Please