Free Legal Advice

There are 35 chambers at Shaolin Temple. This is a well-established fact. So what could the 36th chamber be? What a mystery! Well, if you watch the movie, it's really not a mystery, or even about that chamber, or any of the chambers, or any of the events of the plot. It's really about watching dubbed-over kung fu men doing bizarre kung fu stuff until the movie stops. Let's see Citizen Kane do that!

Do you believe that movies about the old west are all true? Well, if you're a kid reading dime-store novels back in the period where dime stores existed, then yes. Yes, you do. If you're anyone else at all, probably not. But regardless, we're here to dispense the REAL truth, anyway. That's right: We occasionally dispense ideas other than legal advice. It's rare, but it happens.

Six years ago, we looked at a sampling of the startups that were at the Y-Combinator event, which is, for those of you who aren't douchebag tech-bros, some big event where rich idiots dump their money into a bunch of startups that will likely fail. We made fun of each and every one of these ideas, while knowing nothing about them. Today, we're checking in to see how these companies are doing. Our assumption is that they're all thriving businesses that are a boon to their respective communities. Give it a listen and see how right we are.

This week we talk about a relatively forgotten silent film star. In the history of podcasts, right now we're in the "talkie" era. Podcasts are nothing but talking. Once someone invents the "lookie" podcast, we'll be put right out of business.

In this episode, we create a movie that's a parody of the Fast & Furious franchise. None of us know anything at all about this franchise. Now, you might be wondering: How can you successfully parody something if you don't know anything about it? Yeah, so anyway, in this episode, we create a movie that's a parody of the Fast & Furious franchise.

Right at the start of this episode, Ben tries to bully me into giving away its secrets in the title. He wants me to tell you what it's about! The nerve of that guy. Well, I've showed him: I've obfuscated the real answer within a Kids in the Hall reference! Oh wait, he knows Kids in the Hall references... ah, what the hell, the episode is about rich people owning hermits. There you go. Hermitage. Happy?

André Giant, André THE Giant, A. the G., Godlike Fartmachine, whatever you know him as, he's a legend, and today we learn all the pertinent and IMpertinent facts about this enormous Frenchman.

The year: 1905. "Annus mirabilis", the "miracle year". Albert Einstein arrives at the Prussian Academy of Sciences, where the most iconoclastic and forward-thinking minds the world had ever seen have gathered to hear discussed ideas that would change the world to a greater extent than even they could possibly imagine. A hush falls over the crowd as he takes his short, hunched, slightly off-balance strides across the stage, belying his unshakable confidence. "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you 'Special Relativity'", he says, as he sets up his tri-fold display board.

Foosball was just a trick pulled on us by its inventor. It's actually an anagram for "ONLY FOOLS DO BATTLE". It was staring us in the face this whole time, but we were too blind to see it. To know what exactly this trick was all about, listen to today's episode.

The late 19th and early 20th centuries were a time when college football worked very differently. A time when the teams might not even be lining up to play a game of football, as it turns out. It might be a different sport entirely. It was a time when football might not have been football.

The Cannonball Run is not just a movie. Well, I guess maybe you didn't even know that it was a movie. So FYI, The Cannonball Run is a movie. Okay, now, The Cannonball Run is not just a movie. It was an actual thing that actual people actually did, complete with actual crimes. Also, people can now drive as fast as they want. QED.

This episode presupposes the existence of a universe in which a student, somewhere, may not have read a book in its entirety before handing in a report on it. I know that's impossible and just plain silly, but just try to suspend your disbelief, if only for today.

Whom among us could say they've never thought that some little rat kid was excruciatingly annoying? Well, the people who manufactured toys decades ago not only seemed to feel that way about every single kid alive, but they actively took matters into their own hands. They say it's good to be proactive, right?

This week, we're finally going to address the elephant in the room: Anime. Specifically, the classic 90s series titled, "Help! My Room Became an Elephant and Now Must Do Battle!!!!" I know it doesn't sound like it, but it's mostly about the elephant's wildly disproportional breasts.

Good news and bad news: The good news is that we have discovered all the secret techniques that the saboteurs are using to grind our operations to a halt. The bad news is that it's everything your boss does, every single day, and there's no possible way to stop them. This information actually seems useless to you, now that I think about it. Well, forget I said anything.

If you're reading this, you fucked up. No reasonable series of life choices could have possibly led you to listen to this podcast, let alone to be reading one of the episode descriptions. Lucky for you, though, this episode offers you a second chance at life. With the power of hindsight, you'll be able to get in on the ground floor of that pyramid scheme. Your only problem was that you didn't buy in early enough, right?

Chronovoyaging, also known in some circles as "time travel" is not all it's cracked up to be. It's mostly because of the smell. There are other reasons, but honestly, the smell is enough.

With the Nazis occupying your hometown, you probably feel powerless in the face of their brutal repression. However, you might be surprised to learn just how much can be accomplished with what you have lying around the house. Seriously, you're going to be extremely surprised.

We're doing something brand new this week: One by one, we're going to go through all of the biggest sports topics of the day, and we're going to argue about them. This is a completely unprecedented format, so it will not in any way resemble anything you've ever seen before. It doesn't seem like a very good idea, though, so I doubt it'll catch on elsewhere.

I say let 'em. They've broken enough bones and sustained enough concussions to have more life experience than the rest of us put together. Who better to write a movie than stuntmen? And as long as they're writing it, they might as well direct it. It's basically just yelling "Action!" into a megaphone, right? How hard could it be?