Free Legal Advice

Matt's got a few historical nuggets for us to dip into our history sauce packets, chew on with our history teeth, digest with our history bowels, develop heart disease with our history arteries, and die an early death and be buried in our history graves. Come to think of it, it doesn't actually sound like a good idea at all.

Who's to say what shape the earth is, anyway? I say it's the shape of Lincoln's head, but WITHOUT the stovepipe hat. That's what the science supports, and I'm brave enough to believe in science. And don't worry: Now that we've exposed the myths of the flat earth, no one believes in it anymore.

These questions were asked under the caveat that there are no stupid questions, which makes it impossible to make fun of them for being stupid. Damn 8th amendment. But, thanks to a legal loophole, we ARE able to make fun of them for being dumb. Thank you, 23rd amendment.

Who can say that they don't want to drive a speedboat? Not one single living human being, including members of uncontacted tribes in New Guinea. Though they know nothing of the outside world, each and every single one of them dreams of piloting a 1000 horsepower fiberglass beauty across the waves.

I mean, seriously, what else was this episode ever going to be called? It's about Godzilla, so it should be called FLAPzilla. Duh. I'm sure one of my brothers would suggest that I'd call it something like "Don't Go Fishing in the Rain" or "The Price of Unrelenting Hubris is about $4.99", but I only considered those titles for a couple minutes, SO THERE.

I listen to this podcast every week, and every week it's great. But this week, the episode wasn't even about the French Revolution. The proprietors of this establishment assured me, as their patron, that this wouldn't happen again, and that all future episodes would be about the French Revolution, purely to please me. They made an excuse, saying that the unexpected explosion of two of the four brothers this morning made it difficult to meet my unpredictable and unstated needs, but that's bush league. It was my birthday! I was listening to this as part of my birthday party, and as a result, my birthday party was ruined! Someone explodes, and suddenly you can't meet my unpredictable and unstated needs? Service 1/5 stars, atmosphere 1/5 stars, sound quality 1/5 stars, overall 3/5 stars, big fan.

You know how when you lift up a big rock or a log, sometimes you find some kind of bizarre, hideous bug underneath that you've never seen before. Well, today we found the human equivalent of that, and it's both funny and sad.

Old video games did many things right, like not having microtransactions, not having day 1 patches, not having the ability to have racial epithets hurled at you by teenagers across the globe, and not having the game disappear into thin air because the publisher stopped caring. But they also had some other, possibly questionable aspects, as well, and today we examine those and decide if they should be brought back.

This week's episode is about scams. On an unrelated note, please listen to this podcast. You see, my car broke down a few miles back, and I just need a few downloads to get it running again.

Most mistakes can be forgiven, but some are so inexcusable, so heinous, that there can never be any reconciliation. OR CAN THERE?!!!?!!?!?!!!?!!!?? Today on the Free Legal Advice podcast, we will examine some mistakes and evaluate them, then one of my brothers will have a chance to redeem the biggest mistake of their lives. It's an unmissable episode today, folks.

...especially Cyndi. She's always so happy when I come in, and she loves to pay attention to me. Sometimes she dances on other guys, but she's got a job to do, you know. I don't mind.

Not because we're so profane, or anything like that. They'd just have the good sense to know that people shouldn't hear this stuff. Is it dangerous or incendiary? Criminal? Treasonous? No. They'd just hear it and think, "Why, though?" The censors are right sometimes, is what I'm saying.

...and it's the good middle one, too. You know, the one that's darker and cooler, but doesn't have the weight of conclusion on its shoulders? If you can't tell, we're talking about trilogies today, and we'll be turning some of the most beloved* movies in FLAP history into trilogies of their own. *movies may actually be hated

I'm not joking. Send me a topic. You guys used to do it all the time. If you like today's episode, then the only way we'll ever get to a Part 2 is by sending me topics. And if you don't like today's episode, then the only way to ensure that you'll be listening to something you'll enjoy is by sending me topics.

Why do science projects exist? I think it's really strange that, once a year, teachers are allowed to assign homework to our parents. Who made this rule? Why do they get to make our parents slap together a project at the last minute and then pretend that we did it? I guess there are some mysteries that aren't meant to be solved.

Why watch a movie when you can just look at a movie poster? Do you have an answer for that? Didn't think so.

Episode 411 - Scorsese Directs Films for the Hallmark Channel, Right? by Free Legal Advice

This episode has nothing to do with Highlander, although that is a mistake on my part. I'm sure it would have been a far more awesome episode if it was about Highlander, but it's not. That's my fault, and I'm owning it. We just have to collect ourselves and move on. Why don't we try to just enjoy whatever this week's episode actually IS about? I'm sure it's good. Well, I'm sure it's fine. Probably.

I could have easily called this episode "What's the Deal with FLAP?", but that's a lazy Seinfeld impression, and I want nothing to do with it. This week, we do a truly astounding job at creating Seinfeld episode premises in a quiz, of sorts, that Ben runs for us. Either we're incredibly good at it, or it's incredibly easy. I'm genuinely not sure which it is.

Cory found some junk online, and we don't know who it's for. Wait a minute - that was already in the title! I did it! The title described what the episode was about! Start playing Yub Nub!!!