Free Legal Advice

Enough fartin' around. We've spent enough episodes "getting to know" the contestants already. Let's get to the elimination episode. That's what everyone watches these shows for. Who's staying, who's going home? That's what people want. And that would be great if this were a competition reality show, but it's not. Instead, it's a courtroom drama, and this is the big trial scene. You wanted Survivor, but you got The Verdict. At least this one has Paul Newman punching a lady square in the face.

Whomb amongst us hasn't wondered if our lives couldn't be improved with a little sex magick? Why did they put that 'k' on the end, you ask? Because cult leaders intentionally misspell and misuse words in order to rewire your brain into something that obeys them unthinkingly. And because it looks cool.

100 years ago, people were idiots who acted against their own self-interest. That's still true today, and though the degree to which it is true is perhaps debatable, it can't be denied that humans ain't changed much. Well, I guess we do have fewer street rats playing something called "piggy", but that's the only change I can think of.

Sometimes people ask what our podcast is about, and it's difficult to answer them. After all, we have a different topic every week, so what's it really about? We've decided to solve that problem this week. Instead of having a different topic every week, we're just going to have a bunch of different topics in the same episode, which solves the problem by... uh, actually, I'll get back to you on that.

People who live in real places, like New York, or L.A., or Calgary, do have to occasionally travel from one real place to another, and sometimes the only option is to drive. This means traveling through the areas in the world that are collectively known to anthropologists as "the dumpster". The unfortunate people who live in these "dumpster" areas (again, it's the technical term) have absolutely nothing going for themselves. Distracting "real" people, and possibly jingling a coin or two out of their pockets, is the greatest height to which they can aspire. Truly, they want only to touch the hem of their robe, to feel the presence of a real life well-lived. Lived as life should be lived, not sucking scum off the bottom of the dumpster (seriously, I've heard that they're fine with this term). Over the years, this lower, more dumpstery, form of life has developed several methods for producing these brushes with greatness. These methods usually involve large, painted plywood models of things, or objects de

The history of circuses starts with them taking place at actual established buildings and arenas. This obviously could not last, because who in their right mind would want to see one more than once? Thus, they adopted the nomadic presentation of traveling performers. This was better for the circus, because there were always new rubes to con into buying tickets, and it was better for the towns, too, because now the circus is gone. It was win-win.

There's only one place to go when an accident happens: This podcast. That's right - if you have a debilitating injury, just listen to this episode and you'll know exactly what to do. I could tell you right here, but then you wouldn't have to listen to the episode.

In today's episode, we take one of our classic ideas from the primordial days of the podcast and bring it up to date all the way to the 1990s. And for some reason, when our task was to update an 80s cartoon for the 90s, we decided the best way to do that is to make it like a generic sitcom. I don't understand it either, but we're the experts, so you may not complain.

I'm sure you're all sick of everyone talking about time travel. I mean, it's so hot right now. But unlike everyone else, in this episode we're going to be traveling back in time with a singular purpose in mind. I won't give it away, though. Instead, I'll let you guess WHICH infant German leader we'll be assassinating. I'll give you one hint: It's not Helmut Kohl.

Babies are strange, fleshy animals that women excrete every month at the full moon. We know this, and yet most of us know very little about them. Are they friend or foe? Do their mournful cries awaken ancient spirits from beyond the stars, or are they simply a form of ritual intimidation? What of poop? Well, my friends, the answers to these, and many more questions, cannot be found in this episode, because that would just be silly.

GOOD NEWS! Whatever your job is, we're about to improve it. Unless you're a coal miner or factory worker, in which case you will notice no improvements at all. Which would be surprising, honestly. How hard would it be to improve? I mean, there's kind of nowhere to go but up, right?

In this week's episode, we play a rousing game of Produce, Marry, Kill. Attentive listeners will note that this is actually the THIRD time we've created a game like this (either intentionally or accidentally). The first two were Fart, Butt, Poop and Holmes, Nemo, Khan. Yes, those are both real. You can check out episodes 38 and 76 if you don't believe me.

If you believe in yourself, you can do anything. This is an idea taught to all children at a young age, and also the dictionary definition of hubris. What does that say about us? I don't know about you, but I know exactly what it says because I am not ignorant of anything. Also, I lied, I DO know about you, and, spoiler alert, it's not great.

This is like Behind the Music, but it's called Tales from the Tour Bus. Behind this particular music, much drug-doing happened. Well, I guess that's true of all music. Behind all of it, much drug-doing happened.

It's time once again to debate the sports topics of the day. Matt doesn't seem to like doing this kind of thing multiple times, since we generally stick to one episode per topic, but what he doesn't realize is that they have to do whatever I want when it's my turn to pick one. So there.

Sorry for the French (and fake French) in the title, but this week's episode is about cinema. Not just a movie, not even just a film, but cinema. The only language fancy enough to handle this is French, so you're just going to have to deal with it. The cinema we're dissecting this time is called, simply, Rad. My review: "It is."

No, Ben, I didn't name it something like "Five Easy Steps to Fix Your Hovercraft", or "Uh-Oh, It's Time for Blood Sacrifice!". I gave it a perfectly apt title, AS I ALWAYS DO. You can tell what this episode's about just by reading it, right? I can, so I assume everyone can. I'm not even going to describe it in this space AS I USUALLY DO, because the title is so clear and helpful that to do so would be a waste of time. Another victory for Grant.

The Japanese like things to be small and efficient. So why on earth do they love giant robots so much? I can't think of a less efficient method of transportation or defense, in terms of materials, fuel, engineering, manpower, etc. I suppose it IS the most efficient method of delivering drool-inducing coolness, though. That's probably how they look at it.

We talk all things baseball in this episode, including how many peach baskets are used, where the peach baskets go on the diamond, and whether it's legal to chew a peach basket and spit it at your opponent when he's not looking.

Pseudoscience is just like science, but way more fun and without all the rules and stuff. It turns out that those rules have been preventing us from curing cancer and fucking up clouds.