On Boys Podcast

"Middle school," Phyillis Fagell says, "is a stew of simmering hormones, shifting relationships and increased expectations." It's also a time of massive confusion and overwhelm -- for middle school boys and their parents. Phyllis Fagell is a school counselor and the author of Middle School Matters: The 10 Key Skills Kids Need to Thrive in Middle School & Beyond and How Parents Can Help. She's also a mom of three; her youngest son is currently in 6th grade. While many of us view the middle school years with terror, Fagell sees them as a time of great opportunity. The question all middle schoolers wrestle with is, "Am I good enough?" Now is the time we can build their self-confidence, competence and coping skills. To do so, though, we need to increase our understanding and compassion. Boys often behave in ways that can be baffling to "boy moms." Case in point: a 7th grade boy might think sharing pictures of his privates via Snapchat is a great way to bond with th

Image by Kate Ware via Flickr How do you teach boys gratitude? So many parents today are frustrated by their boys' apparent lack of gratitude. All too often, our boys come off as ungrateful, entitled jerks -- and it bugs the bejeezus out of us! We're embarrassed, we're annoyed and we secretly feel like failures, because surely good parents would raise grateful, gracious children, right? Well, the truth is that all children are self-centered; that's part of being a child! As children grow, they gradually learn that they are not the center of the universe, and they gradually -- very gradually -- learn that they must consider others' feelings, desires, and needs as well. Science has shown a strong link between kids' developmental stages and gratitude. Put simply, older teenagers are much more capable of feeling and expressing gratitude than younger younger. In fact, according to an on Harvard Health, "gratitude is an attainment associated with emotional maturity." In other wo

How important is college? That's a fraught question for many families, particularly in an age of rapid technological change and occupational insecurity. We've been told that education is the key to success, but post-secondary education is priced like a luxury item, at least here in the U.S. In his new book, The Years That Matter Most: How College Makes or Breaks Us, author Paul Tough writes, "for many young Americans, [the U.S. system of higher education] functions as...an obstacle to mobility, an instrument that reinforces a rigid social hierarchy and prevents them from moving beyond the circumstances of their birth." Ouch. And yet, many of us shy away from that reality. "We're not being honest with ourselves and with our young people about how complex it is to get from high school to the kind of education you need to succeed," Paul says. In this episode, Janet, Jen & Paul discuss: The intense pressure kids feel to achieve academically and go to college A healthier

"You will be brought to your knees in the act of parenting." -- Dr. Vanessa Lapointe Parenting boys is not an easy gig! So often, we are confronted with situations that we simply don't know how to handle. What does one do when your two-year-old insists on pooping in the corner? How should you respond when your tween calls you a "bitch?" What's an appropriate consequence for a boy who's failing all his classes because he refuses to do any of the work? Vanessa Lapointe, a child psychologist and parent of two boys, says those are the wrong questions. Instead of worrying over, "What do I DO when X happens?" she encourages parents to consider "How do I need to BE when X happens?" Her books, Parenting Right From the Start: Laying a Healthy Foundation in the Baby and Toddler Years and Discipline Without Damage: How to Get Your Kids to Behave Without Messing Them Up, urge parents to take a step back. Despite our best intentions, many of us parent as we were parented. Tha

November is Military Family Month. We Americans pause on November 11 to recognize the sacrifices of our veterans. This month, let's also remember the sacrifices of their families. If you think it's hard to raise boys, try raising boys in a military environment. Frequent moves and deployments challenge the whole family! Lauren Tamm, creator of The Military Wife and Mom, is a mom of two (a boy and a girl); she's also married to an active-duty Marine. She's passionate about helping parents, teachers, care givers and military spouses discover simple tools that minimize stress, create peace and build connection. Whether or not you're a military family, you're likely to take away a few tips that will help you in everyday life. In this episode, Janet, Jen & Lauren discuss: The challenges -- and unpredictability -- of military life How citizens can support military families Parenting under stress Masculinity in the military Making space for difficult feelings Building res

Charlie Capen Humor, says Charlie Capen, is one of the most important tools in parenting. But this actor/musician/writer/dad-of-two-boys isn't afraid to get serious either. Capen is one of the founders of HowToBeADad.com, which he freely admits uses humor as a way to get guys to talk and think about parenting. A generation ago, there were few -- if any -- spaces for dads to discuss the challenges of parenthood. Today's dads often grew up with career-focused fathers who spent little time on day-to-day childcare. Now, fathers are increasingly involved in their children's lives but they're still stymied by stereotypes. Capen is one of the many dads who are blazing a new trail. He encourages all parents to reject stereotypical expectations and instead use their natural gifts and talents to connect with their children. "Every time I tried to be what I thought was a 'good dad,' I removed my creativity and my ability from parenting" Capen says. "I started to do things that we

Photo by Grey World via Flickr What do you do if a teacher shames your son in front of the class?  For many parents, this is not an abstract question. Teachers, coaches, bus drivers and yes, even parents still use shame to shape kids' behavior. Adults yell at children in front of their peers, berate them for a lack of effort, criticize their attempts...and children's spirits shrivel. Shame is a universal human experience. According to the Oxford dictionary, shame is "a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior." In and of itself, the emotion isn't particularly harmful; it can even positively mold behavior. However, when human beings are humiliated by others, they tend to assume that there is something wrong with them. People who are repetitively shamed do not feel an innate sense of worth; instead, they feel unworthy and unlovable. If your grew up with shame (and many of us did), you may be hard-pressed to recognize it or its ha

It's not easy to talk to boys about anxiety, depression and mental health. And yet, in a world in which 1 in 8 kids has an anxiety disorder and 2-3% of children ages 6-12 have serious depression and suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death for young people ages 15-24, not talking about these topics is irresponsible. You wouldn't skip the sex talk, would you? (If so, click over to this episode right now!) As adults, it's our job to equip our children with the skills they need to deal with whatever life sends their way. Our job to help them develop problem-solving and coping skills, and our responsibility to make sure they know the facts about mental health. Kristi Hugstad, a health educator-turned-author, speaker and grief recovery specialist, learned about mental illness the hard way. Her husband battled depression; in 2012, he died by suicide. Today, Kristi shares her knowledge and message of hope with others. Her book, Beneath the Surface: A Teen's Guide to Reaching Out When You or Your

Australian author and psychologist Steve Biddulph was one of the first to highlight the unique needs of boys. In the mid-1990s, "Steve went out on a limb to stand up for boys and men in a time when, culturally, the focus was really on girls and women," Janet says. His books, including The Secrets of Happy Children and Manhood, have been translated into more than 30 languages. The 1997 classic Raising Boys: Why Boys are So Different - and How to Help Them Become Happy and Well-Balance Men changed the way Janet taught and influenced a generation of parents and teachers. Steve completed updated the book in 2018; Raising Boys in the 21st Century: How to Help Our Boys Become Open-Hearted, Kind and Strong Men addresses the concerns and challenges facing today's parents of boys. Now, we know that boys' brains develop on a different trajectory than girls'. The part of the brain that handles language, for instance, matures more slowly in males than in females, which is one reason why boys aren&#

Are all teenage boys jerks? That's the question we tackle in this episode, albeit with some more colorful language. (Heads up: If you're opposed to the word "asshole," you might want to skip this episode. If you've ever thought to yourself, "When did my kid become such an asshole?!?" you're definitely going to want to listen!) Raising tween & teen boys is hard. That's why so many parents of teens are desperate for information, help & support. And that's why Sue Borison & Stephanie Silverman started Your Teen media. Sue & Steph also co-host the podcast Your Teen with Sue & Steph. "Not only has it been a journey of joy to build something together, but for me, it changed my parenting completely," Sue says. In creating the magazine and talking with other parents, she learned to let go of perfection, to let go of the idea that there's a "right" way to parent teens. Good parents of good kids struggle. The fact that you or your son

The secret to parenting success  -- & satisfaction -- is simple: Parent from love, not fear.  Bryan Post So says Bryan Post, founder of The Post Institute for Family Centered Therapy. Adopted as a child, Post experienced the difficulties that can arise when a child's needs conflict with a parent's experience. His adopted sister was born prematurely due to fetal alcohol syndrome and spent the first months of her life in an incubator, which stunted her emotional development. His well-meaning parents had both been raised in alcoholic families, which caused them to become hyper-responsive. The combination was volatile. Post has devoted his professional life to helping parents understand how stress, fear and trauma play out in the lives of children -- and adults. "Trauma is any stressful event which is prolonged, overwhelming or unpredictable," Post says. "If it remains unexpressed, unprocessed, and misunderstood, that forms the difference between a short-term stressful experience and a

Photo by Martin Abegglen via Flickr What is respect? We tell our boys all the time to "show some respect!" and to "respect your teachers," and worry about whether or not our boys know how to respect girls and women. But what does that mean? Defining respect, we've learned, is trickier than it seems at first glance, and if you and your son (or you and your parenting partner) are working with different definitions of "respect," you're likely to find yourself frustrated. According to the dictionary, respect has two definitions: a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities or achievements due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights or traditions of others Do you see the difference? According to Definition One, respect is something that is earned; someone must be or do something special to elicit admiration. Definition Two, on the other hand, implies regard for another, regardless of what the feelings, wishes, rights or tra

More Maggie Dent! (If you haven't yet listened to Part 1 of our conversation, go listen to that one first. Then come back for more Maggie!) In this episode, Maggie, Janet & Jen discuss: How to help elementary school boys handle their frustration when they get in trouble at school Boys’ inclination toward protecting others How to support boys’ interest in superhero boy & play fighting How to deconstruct the “man code” and help boys’ live authentically How to talk so boys will listen The importance of social-emotional development and learning Boys’ friendships — & how moms can help their sons develop important relationship skills “Rooster” boys & “lamb” boys, & what they need from their parents & teachers Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Mums of Sons — Maggie’s latest book “This is the book I’m on the earth to write.” — Maggie Dent maggiedent.com — Maggie’s website. Jam-packed with resources! Let Grow —  The

Maggie Dent Our friend Maggie Dent  will be in British Columbia later this month, so we thought this would be a great time to re-share her wisdom & encouragement! Maggie the mom of four now-grown boys, a parenting educator & author of numerous books, including Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Moms of Sons. This conversation was originally recorded in December 2018 but the advice here is timeless. Enjoy! Some gems: Moms, be careful not to shatter your boys’ dreams or fantastic plans with your words. It is helpful to explore why there is often a mismatch between what a mom thinks has happened, and what a boy thinks has happened. That whole perception that there is an inevitability to boys’ behavior being bad is just the biggest fallacy out there that we must pull apart. In this episode, Maggie, Janet & Jen discuss: Why shaming is so harmful to boys Societal changes within the past 30 years that have made life tougher for boys & their families (including increased academic expectations &

Google "boy mentors" and you'll get more than 20,000,000 results. Search for "mentors for boy moms" and you'll get just over 900,000 results -- and most are resources to help single moms find male mentors for their sons.You'll find next-to-nothing about how to find a mentor for yourself. But moms need mentors too. When Jen & Janet met recently (for the first time! at a podcast conference), they heard a talk about the importance of female mentors. The presenter, Robyn Sayles, pointed out the dearth of female mentors in movies, books and real life. Luke Skywalker had Obi Wan Kenobi & Yoda to guide him and encourage him; they shared with him crucial information and skills that helped him complete his mission. Without their help, would Luke have managed to inspire and lead the Rebels? Here at ON BOYS, we talk a lot about boys. But we know that many (if not most) of our listeners are women. We know that many of you are facing challenges in your parenting and that you'd

At age 4, Sassy Harvey's son was told that if he dances, he must be a girl. Or gay.  Not surprisingly, he quit dance class soon after that. It's 2019. Girls, we know can become astronauts and scientists and ministers and presidents. But boys who dance are STILL routinely perceived as gay and effeminate. In fact, according to a recent study of male ballet dancers: 93% of boys involved in ballet report "teasing and name calling" 68% experience "verbal or physical harassment" 11% were victims of physical harm - at the hands of people who targeted them because they study dance Shortly after her son quit formal dance classes, Sassy launched MY BOY CAN, an organization that would like to see a social shift in attitudes towards boys and challenges the constraints placed on boys. Often, Sassy says, "when a boy expresses interest that in things that are perceived as 'for girls,' they are told they shouldn't or can't." MY BOY CAN's first campaign was #MyBoy

It's time for another listener Q & A! A Boys Alive! FB group member asks: How can I interest a teen boy in becoming a good world citizen? A Twitter follower asks: What do you say to boys who say they're the best at...whatever the conversation is about. I've heard this from multiple 7/8/9 yo boys. So much bragging. Jacquie asks: How do we help people understand that there are differences between boys and girls and that it's OK to recognize that fact? So often, we are focused on saying, 'girls can do anything boys can do' that we forget there are things girls may not want to do or boys tend to do more naturally. Greg asks: Why won't they listen? In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Why you'll have better luck following your son's lead than trying to plot his direction How to enlarge your son's world and expand his point-of-view, no matter where you live (or the size of your budget) How to reign in your own anxiety (Note: your son's behavior is not a

The beginning of the school year stirs up a lot of emotions for boys -- and their parents. The number of boys who don't like school has been increasing in recent years. In 1980, just 14% of boys told researchers they "didn't like" school. By 2001, 24% -- nearly one-quarter of all boys -- said they didn't like school. Today, that number is likely even higher. Pay attention to your son's signals. His reactions to back-to-school ads and events can tell you a lot about his general attitude toward school. Look. Listen. Then, help him address his concerns. Remember: school is just ONE PART of your son's life. Sure, you'll want to encourage him to do his best, but please leave room for family time and personal interests as well. Overemphasizing academics does not help boys. In this episode, Janet & Jen  discuss: Why so many boys dislike school Physical and emotional symptoms of school anxiety Transitioning from summer to school How to help your son set goals for the s

Youth sports are a BIG DEAL.  According to ESPN, 28.7 million American kids between the ages of 6 and 17 played youth sports in 2013. That number is likely low; many kids start well before age 6. Gone are the days when boys started Little League at age 10 or 11. Today, T-ball begins at age 3 or 4, and many kids are on travel teams by the time they're 6. Today's families are investing a lot of time and money into sports. (According to one estimate, travel team parents spent on average $2266 annually on youth sports; at the elite level, that number can jump to more than $20,000.) Whether your son is into sports or not, your family will surely face pressure to sign him up for one (or more) sports teams and then steadily escalate his involvement. If your son is into it, he can reap a lot of benefits; it's well-known that sports are a great way to learn teamwork and persistence. But sports aren't all positive. We've all heard stories about athletes behaving badly and parents berating smal

Black boys fare worse than white boys in 99% of America. Here to help us untangle the many factors that affect black boys' experience in America is Hilary Beard, author of Promises Kept: Raising Black Boys to Succeed in School and Life and creator of Rise & Thrive Online Parenting Program. Hilary Beard "We thought we were raising the Obama generation, a generation of young people who would live in a world that was very diverse, with racial harmony and a greater level of equity. We thought our children would finally be able to walk through the doors of opportunity and assume their rightful seat at the table," Hilary says. But in late 2019, Black and brown boys continue to be pulled over and prosecuted for actions that often net white boys a warning. The President of the United States recently told four black and brown congresswomen to "go back....[to] the totally broken and crime infested places from which they came." And hate crimes targeting individuals' race and ethnicity are