On Boys Podcast

Our boys often wear metaphorical masks. We all do, in fact. At work, we typically wear our confident, professional faces. At home, we aim for warm, nurturing and competent. But underneath, we may be feeling anger, frustration, sadness or shame. Our "masks" allow us to go about our days and meet our responsibilities without ruffling too many feathers or attracting too much attention. Boys don masks for the same reason. Our boys are swimming in a soup of messages that tell them exactly how boys should look and behave. So, to meet expectations and find social acceptance, boys often adopt personas and attitudes that conceal their true personalities and feelings. Ashanti Branch, founder and executive director of Ever Forward Club, helps boys (and girls) identify and remove their masks. He helps them get in touch with their inner selves and emotions, so they can connect authentically with themselves and others. He also helps educators understand and connect with students.   In this episode, Janet, Jen

Do you know what sensory processing disorder (SPD) is?  Many parents (and teachers) don't, but 5-15% of all children exhibit symptoms of SPD, which affects how they learn, socialize and interact with the world. It's possible that your child has a sensory processing problem that you haven't yet recognized as an issue with available & effective interventions. Nancy Peske, aka The Sensory Smart Parent, is a co-author of Raising a Sensory Smart Child: The Definitive Handbook for Helping Your Child with Sensory Processing Issues. She's also the mother of a son who has SPD. Nancy Peske According to Nancy, children who have sensory processing issues may: Have problems eating (particular textures may bother them, for instance) Be overly sensitive to stimulation -- or under-sensitive to stimulation Struggle with body awareness and control Exhibit language delays Constantly seek movement Be easily overwhelmed and distracted Have difficulty with reading and fine motor control For

As we in the United States celebrate our nation's independence, we reflect on our boys' drive for independence.  Toddlers cry, "I do it!" when we attempt to put on their clothes. Our teens scowl when we tell them what time to be home. Their frustration -- toddlers' & teens' alike -- is driven by their desire for mastery and control. Children are wired to learn. They're wired to gradually take on more and more responsibility. "Kids," Jen reminds us, "have an innate drive for independence. You can use that to your advantage." Of course, it's not always easy for adults to release control. Our boys' judgement seems questionable at times (often, in some cases!). We worry for their safety. And sometimes, we simply don't recognize that our little ones are capable of more. We don't see the ways in which our well intentioned actions may be handicapping our boys' development. It's never too late to begin giving your boys more independence. In t

Ahhhh, summer! Relaxed lazy days....oh, who are we kidding?!? For most parents in the Northern hemisphere, summer is a time of stress. The kids are home from school and the parents have to somehow juggle their regular work schedule while also trying to keep their kids engaged, active and on screens for less than 12 hours a day. Navigating summer responsibilities and expectations is a challenge for the whole family. If we can give you one piece of advice, it's this: Relax your standards. You don't have to take the kids to the pool weekly. Your kids can stay up later; strict bedtimes really aren't as important if the kids don't have to be anywhere in the morning. PJs are perfectly acceptable summer attire, at least sometimes. And no one -- seriously: no one -- is expecting a gourmet meal every night. Focus your attention on what's important to you and your children instead. Our summer tips will help you do just that. In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss: Common summer challenges W

What do you get when you mix two fitness- and outdoors-minded dads with two moms who are staunch advocates for boys? A freewheeling discussion that touches on everything from fatherhood to weapons play and the current lack of movement in schools. Janet met Jaremy Day, co-host of the podcast Backcountry & Barbells, when she spoke at an event in Washington state. As a former boy and current dad of 2 boys & a girl, he's all too familiar with the challenges facing boys today. His co-host, Joe Szymanek (pronounced Sh-mon-ek), is also a father. He has three young children (one is a boy) and also teaches middle school. Despite the fact that they are both former boys & current parents of boys, neither Joe nor Jaremy were really aware of the obstacles and challenges that make life difficult for boys -- until Joe discovered Christina Hoff Sommers & The War on Boys via Joe Rogan and Jaremy heard Janet speak. Think about that: we are a culture that pins so much blame on individual boys that even

The Boy Code. The Man Box. Whatever you want to call it, our boys are constrained by a largely unspoken set of expectations that exert pressure on them to behave and act in certain ways. Jonathon Reed helps boys -- and others -- understand and question these expectations. His podcast, Breaking the Boy Code, features real boys talking about their real, lived experiences. Reed adds the voices and insights of experts to each episode, and it's impossible to listen to even one episode and not be moved by the plight of boys and men. It's impossible to listen and not learn something. Jonathon Reed, creator of Breaking the Boy Code podcast, & friend While many people talk about boys, Jonathon talks with boys. He gives them a safe space to explore their thoughts and experiences of masculinity, and he gives them a venue to share their insights with others. For instance, after reports of sexual assault and hazing at St. Michael's College in Toronto made international news, Jonathan asked boys about t

Do you have a son heading off to college or university this fall? How about in the future? The more you know about the college search and admission process, the easier this transition will be -- for your son, for you and for your entire family. Dr. Pamela Ellis, author of What to Know Before they Go and founder of Compass College Advisory, has helped many families navigate college preparation and the transition from high school to university. She says that lack of knowledge -- the "unknown" -- complicates the process, causing unnecessary anxiety and stress. She also reminds us that one of the most important questions we can ask our college-bound kids is "Why?" -- as in, Why are you going to college? What do you hope to get from the experience? That question might seem extremely simplistic, but it's crucial. Your child's answer will help him focus his energies and find the path that's most appropriate for him. It may also highlight a disconnect. If your expectations, hopes and dr

Boys interact differently than girls do. Sure, some of that is socialization. (A lot of that is probably socialization.) But the fact remains: boys' interactions on the playground, in school and at home are different than girls'. The way boys greet and play with one another is different than the way girls do so -- and if you're a mom or teacher of boys, odds are good that you've never been a boy yourself and don't understand the nuances of male interaction. Most boys naturally pick up these nuances. But some kids, particularly children with ADHD or autism, do not. These kids need extra assistance and support as they learn social skills. Unfortunately for our boys, many of people who do that work are middle-aged females who don't "speak" tween or teenage boy. Ryan Wexelblatt does. Ryan Wexelblatt Ryan is a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in working with boys. He's also the father of a 21 year old son. Raising a son ignited Ryan's interest in teaching

Photo by Daniel Hooker via Flickr   When do boys grow up? That question tends to elicit a chuckle; ask it in a group of middle-aged women, and you're likely to hear someone joke about their not-yet-grown husband. Ask it in a group of men, and well, you'll hear much the same thing. But to anxious parents, the when do they grow up? question is anything but funny. Parents of teenage boys wonder if their won't-listen, leaves-his-clothes-all-around-the-house-and-never-wants-to-do-anything-but-play-video-games boys will ever turn into responsible young men who can hold down a job. Parents of toddlers wonder if they'll ever be potty-trained, and parents of preschool boys wonder if their guys are prepared for kindergarten. Moms, in particular, are often anxious about their sons' futures. That's because females, in general, worry into the future, Janet says. We look at what's right in front of us and wonder how that will affect situations we see looming in the future. Which is reasonab

Photo by Veronique Debord-Lazaro via Flickr We recently put out a call for listener questions, and boy, did you send 'em to us! Deanna asked: about the struggle of trying to find the perfect balance of keeping your boys busy enough to stay out of trouble, yet not overscheduled Erin asked us how to handle a "chatty" son who insists he's the one being unfairly targeted at school: Our son is almost 10, and in 4th grade. We've always heard report card feedback of "we know that he can talk and get his work done at the same time, but he needs to respect the fact that other students are disrupted by his talking." Ok, I get it -- I heard the exact same feedback on my report cards. We're chatty people! But now we're getting negative reports that are more serious because when he is asked to stop talking or joking around in class/after care, he is defiant, keeps doing what he's doing, and then tries to talk back when he gets a consequence. And when we talk to him about it, he ac

  How do you raise boys to become great men? That's the big question we tackle here at On Boys. It's the question Jen grapples with in her own home and on BuildingBoys, and the question Janet helps parents and teachers explore and answer through her coaching and online courses. Michael C. Reichert has spent a lot of time studying this question as well. He's a psychologist, dad & grandfather of boys and the founding director of the Center for the Study of Boys' and Girls' Lives. He's also the author of the recently released book, How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men. The key, he says, is to make sure your boys feel known and loved. Many people today blame "toxic masculinity" for violent, entitled and racist behavior in men and boys. But blaming "masculinity" for these behaviors draws attention away from the ways the current method of raising and socializing boys leads to all kinds of harms, including loss of virtue, loss of connection

Photo by Pat Knight via Flickr Boys are subject to negative stereotypes too. If you've been parenting boys for awhile, that fact probably isn't news to you. You've probably heard your son complain about teachers who treat boys differently than girls. Maybe you've seen the way other moms watch your son -- and you -- at the park, as if they expect your son to cause trouble at any moment. If you're new to parenting boys, it might surprise you to learn that a lot people assume (consciously and subconsciously) that boys are troublemakers. Worse yet, these assumptions color the way people talk about and interact with our boys -- which affects our boys, socially and emotionally. A 2018 study, The Education of Playful Boys: Class Clowns in the Classroom, found that kindergarten teachers regard active, playful boys as "rebellious" and "intrusive." These attitudes transferred to the children. By the time the children were in 3rd grade, both the boys and their classmates had inter

Kelly Goodwin is boy mom extraordinaire. Kelly Goodwin w her husband & 5 boys She's got 5 boys (currently ages 8-16), a degree in child development and a slew of nieces and nephews. If parenting boys has taught her anything, it's the power of trusting your instincts. That's why she launched Trust Yourself Mama, a YouTube channel that encourages parents of young children to trust themselves. Kelly's videos are short & sweet, so they're perfect for time-swamped parents who need a bit of encouragement and insight. Thanks to the internet (and podcasts!), parents today have instantaneous access to more parenting information than our grandparents could have ever envisioned. But all of that information can be a bit overwhelming. Kelly reminds us that we parents know our kids better than anyone. The parenting tips we find online might sound great, but only we can decide if those tips will be effective or helpful in our families. Kelly's videos are designed to be conversation-starte

"He just won't talk to me." If you've ever uttered those words, you are not alone. Nearly every parent of boys has complained and/or worried about their sons' silence. We know that there's a lot going on in our boys' lives and we want to help -- but how can we help if they won't even tell us what's going on? Psychogeography, Janet says, might be the answer. (Don't know what that is? Don't worry! Jen didn't either.) The term psychogeography refers to the influence of geographical environment on the mind or on behavior. In other words, WHERE you are can influence communication. Think about it: hollering through a door sets an entirely different tone than sitting side-by-side in the car. As a parent, you can't make your son talk -- but there's a lot you can do to set the stage. Your actions, body language and behavior tell your son a lot about whether or not it's "safe" to talk to you. Phrases such as "My door is always open" and 

Katy Rank Lev has 3 feral sons. (Her words, not ours!) And up until her first son was born nine years ago, Katy had zero experience living with boys. She recently sent us this message :  I just had to write in and tell you all how meaningful your podcast is for me. I have all sisters and 12 female cousins...I never spent time w boys until I had 3! Your podcast is both validating and practical for me. Today, my oldest son asked if he could dismantle the dresser he broke before we hauled it out to the trash. I paused. And then said yes. All of my sons spent several peaceful hours dismantling the broken dresser, categorizing the metal bits they pulled out, splintering the paperboard into evenly sized stakes to hunt vampires. It was the most imaginative and wonderful morning we’ve had in weeks. Thank you for teaching me it’s ok to say yes to that!! As a "boy mom," Katy is not alone. It's so hard for moms of boys to figure out what's OK. We desperately want to raise boys who become decent, respec

Photo by John Mackie via Flickr Nearly 1 in 3 high school seniors tried vaping in the last year.  Middle schoolers are vaping too. According to the Centers for Disease Control, e-cigarette use among middle school students increased by 48% between 2017 and 2018. Now, nearly 5% of middle school students in the United States vape on a regular basis. Kids and teachers alike say that middle and high school students are vaping in the bathroom, in the halls and even in class. Vaping is so prevalent among tweens and teens that the U.S. Surgeon General declared youth vaping an epidemic in late 2018. The makers of e-cigarettes say that their products are intended to help adult smokers quit smoking tobacco cigarettes. Some have questioned the sincerity of that claim, noting that vape pens and juice come in shapes and flavors that appeal to children. The Juul, a common vape device, looks like a USB drive and is so popular among youth that the word "Juuling" is often used to mean "vaping." Juul e-ciga

Photo by Russ Allison Loar via Flickr Sweet 16. Here in the United States, age 16 has long been an eagerly anticipated milestone, largely because teens are eligible to get a driver's license at age 16. In the minds of many teens, age 16 = driver's license = increased independence. In the minds of many parents, age 16 = increased insurance costs and anxiety regarding their child's safety. In fact, fewer teens are getting drivers' licenses at age 16. According to an article published on Wired.com, just 71% of high school seniors have a driver's license; that's the lowest percentage in decades. Societal changes account for the decline: the prevalence of ride-sharing services such as Lyft & Uber means that many teens don't need to drive to get from one place to another, and social media now allows teens to socialize without leaving home. Economic challenges are a factor as well: 36% of non-driving teens cite "overall cost" as a contributing issue. Whether your teen gets

Janet & Jen had very different reactions to The New Childhood: Raising Children to Thrive in a Connected World, by author and educator Jordan Shapiro. Jen loved it. Janet has some, uh, questions. And concerns. So, we decided to talk to the author. Jordan was happy to talk with us. He's an assistant professor at Temple University who specializes in game-based learning, digital play and screens. As a senior fellow for the Joan Ganz Cooney Center at Sesame Workshop,  he coordinates research and advocacy around digital technology and playful education. He's also a dad of two boys, ages 11 and 13, so his knowledge of screens and digital play is more than academic. Like all 21st century parents, he grapples with technology and parenting every single day. Our society, he says, is changing. The digital age is here, and interconnected technology is changing everything -- how we work, relate, socialize, play, learn and plan. The pace of change has been fast and furious, and as a result, a lot of adults ar

Happy Anniversary....Happy Birthday .... Any way you slice it - we're thrilled to bring you this special edition of ON BOYS. After a year of conversations - that's well over 50+ hours of talking, laughing, lamenting, and inspiring each other - and hopefully, our listeners - Jen and Janet learn some new and surprising things about each other in this episode ... and daydream about the day when they will FINALLY meet in person! Thank you, dear listeners, for supporting ON BOYS this year -- and for being boy champions! Much love, Janet & JenOur Sponsors:* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com* Check out BetterHelp and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: https://www.betterhelp.com/Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Rosalind Wiseman's work is based on the belief that young people's experiences are important, but often discounted. Adults, she says, frequently give young people advice without listening to them first. Boys often tune out adult's well-meaning messages because we fail to recognize that they are the subject matter experts of their own lives. However, if you respect their experiences and listen to their concerns, boys will work with you. Wiseman says that parents and teachers who want to communicate more effectively with boys should: Stop freaking out. Don't let anxiety drive your interactions with boys. Stop making assumptions about boys. Ask, don't lecture. In this episode, Wiseman answers some tough questions from parents, and drops wisdom that's sure to change your approach to (and relationship with) the boys in your life. In this episode,  Janet & Rosalind discuss: Why most social-emotional learning experiences alienate boys -- and why it's so important to cons