Square Roots - The Classic Rpg Podcast

Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 2 - Something For Everyone to Get Upset About  - Episode 490 This week we keep on keepin' on with Paper Mario. Did we finish Chapters 2 and 3 like we said we would? No. Will we do two chapters next ep? I don't have a lot of faith that we will, TBH, but we're gonna try.  Also: Madam Flurrie doesn't have nipples Matt to Johnny and Vanessa: UGH.   Punies commit genocide and more!  This Week: Finish Chapter 2! Next Week: Finish Chapters 3 and 4! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Would You Eat This Bird Twenty Twenty Five Square Roots - Thanksgiving Special Quest Log: 0:02:00 Level Up: 1:06:00 We're not doing a real episode this week, we're doing a Thanksgiving Funebration! And going through the hottest birds of 2025, or at least from games we played in 2025. Probably. Johnny did a really great job running this game and there were no errors. Please comment exactly that previous statement at Vanessa, Jim and Matthew. This Week: Have a great American Thanksgiving! Next Week: Finish Chapter 3! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 1 - Sniff Her Feet Square Roots - Episode 489 Quest Log: 0:31:00 Level Up: 1:43:54 Even with a lack of cheevos we still dive into Nintendo's Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door! We're all playing on Switch, but no matter if you're on that or Gamecube you can certainly play along. Just be prepared for Horny Nintendo. Also: * A Game For Babies With Good Attention Spans * We Complain About One Drive Like A Couple of Boomers * Why Are We Talking Like This * Bowser Is A Job Creator * Is Matt Goombing Right Now * Hooktail's Fetish Stuff This Week: Defeat Hooktail in Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door! Next Week: Finish Chapter 3! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodc

South of Midnight Part 3: ROUX WAS AHMED BEST?! Square Roots - Episode 488 Quest Log: 0:16:57 Level Up: 1:12:28 Somehow, throughout this series, Jim, Matt and Vanessa never mentioned that the character Roux from Compulsion Games was played by Jar-Jar Binks, everyone's favourite Star Wars character. Or his actor, anyway, Ahmed Best. Also: * Matt and Jim Don't Know Where the Rockstar Headquarters Are * Jim's Famous Matt Character * A Scardey-Cat Fish * Back to the Future is a Christmas Movie * Onlyh Vanessa Knows the Facts of Life Theme This Week: Finish the game! Next Week: Defeat Hooktail in Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

South of Midnight Part 2: Edgytainment 6-7 Square Roots - Episode 487 Quest Log: 0:23:15 Level Up: 1:34:15 We've got some exciting South of Midnight for you today! There's all sorts of terrifying stories of cryptids and social injustice! Matt loves Huggin' Molly. Jim's okay with spiders with people faces.  Also: * The Console Widows and rphams * Halo on PlayStation 2 * Edgytainment 6-7 * Crash Tries To Join the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders This Week: Finish Chapter 10! Next Week: Finish the game! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

South of Midnight Part 1: The Goose Is Hot Square Roots - Episode 486 Quest Log: 0:20:30 Level Up: 2:15:30 We're taking a lil detour before doing the vote winner, Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door. That's right, Vanessa, Jim and Matthew are doing South of Midnight, the 2025 action platformer Xbox Sclusey.  Also: * The New Fourth Host, Dori * Lil Baby Duck Face * That Conflict That Listeners Love * Dolly Parton Hair Sacrilege  * Johnny's Lost in the Forest This Week: Finish Chapter 5! Next Week: Finish Chapter... 10? Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Final Fantasy V Part 5: Gilgamesh is the best - Episode 485 Matt's writing the notes again this week and he's not good at it! Uh... jokes! Funny things that we say in the ep! Gilgamesh is great, actually Why is the best animation in the game hidden in the credits? We finish Final Fantasy V We announce the next game And more!  This Week: Finish Final Fantasy V! Next Week: The first 7 chapters of South of Midnight! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Notes! I forgot to write notes! Uh... This week we talk more about Final Fantasy V. Did we finish the game?  No. But we're so close! Also, the vote winner for the next game is announced and then we decide maybe not to play it next. Just listen you'll see what I mean.  This Week: End of Fork Tower Next Week: ACTUALLY finish the game  Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

It's The Square News Newsbreak! Square Roots - Episode 484 Level Up: 0:33:24 It's a Square News Newsbreak! Check out our hottest news on the EA Acquisition, Game Pass price hikes, and the death of Rock Band 4! This Week: listen to our hot gaming goose! Next Week: uhhhhhhhhhh matt says finish the game but just play around six hours Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Final Fantasy V Part 2: "I've Got the Boom Boom, Pow: Boom Boom in Mario and Representations of Anti-Capitalist Sentiment" Square Roots - Episode 483 Quest Log: 0:24:29 Level Up: 1:39:00 We get to ditch Cid and his subpar grandson and go to an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT planet. What's this planet called? Who knows. What was the other one called? Gaia? I think? Let's just call the new one Planet Galuf, and we don't exactly get a friendly greeting. But we meet some chocobos, set some trees on fire, and destroy the world's sacred crystals, like real heroes do. Also: * More Hot Gaming Goose * STAN SMASH * Bees Are My Mom Now * Silent Hilf * Vanessa's Weird Alex Mack Crush * The Last of the Wind Dragons, by Vanessa This Week: Watch the forest get burned! Next Week: uhhhhhhhhhh matt says finish the game but just play around six hours Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.y

Final Fantasy V Part 2: MID Square Roots - Episode 482 Quest Log: 0:37:15 Level Up: 1:39:00 Oh boy, this time on Final Fantasy V things are getting moving! We fail to save the crystals, some jerk is released, and we take a break to go to the library. IT'S ALL FOR FREE! Also: * HONK  * Reasonable Randy Pitchford Quotes * More like teddy oh yes * ExDeez Nuts * Bananas aren't Banana * Future Matt and Future Vanessa   This Week: Play until we are blasted away by a force field! Next Week: Finish things on the new planet! Unless it's too long. Then maybe something shorter. Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Final Fantasy V Part 1: It's Not Gooning If You Don't Make The Face Square Roots - Episode 481 Quest Log: 0:10:47 Level Up: 1:57:30 Look, we've got a Final Fantasy game with two cool dragons right upfront. Okay, technically, one is a sea serpent and one is a wyvern, but still. Does FFV blow its cool load early? In this chunker of Square's classic JRPG we explore its new, better translation, try to come to terms with its job system, and come across a king stuck halfway into a crystal room. Also: * Untamed Honours * You Should Get Hired By Silent Hills, Inc. * Baby Four Eyes * I Love A Very Clean Man In A Waistcoat * A Reverse Rookie of the Year * That Man Needs To Be Taken To A Hospital   This Week: Defeat the Liquid Flame in the Fire Powered Ship in Final Fantasy V! Next Week: Play until we are blasted away by a force field! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://

Heavy Rain: Part 4 - Even His Heavy Breathing Is French Square Roots - Episode 480 Quest Log: 0:23:18 Level Up: 2:24:57 We've solved the mystery of Heavy Rain, and for the most part we're pretty annoyed about it. But now's your chance to play through these final chapters of Heavy Rain, maybe trick an old lady into telling you about her sons, burn all the evidence, and check out the wrong address and fail to save your son. And they gave you all the clues! Also: * Call Me Shaun * On A Scale Of One To Spicy * Motel Floor Sex * The Stanley Kubrick Room * A Plethora of Endings This Week: Finish Heavy Rain! Next Week: Defeat the Liquid Flame in the Fire Powered Ship in Final Fantasy V! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email:

Heavy Rain: Part 3 - Left Trigger Inner Monologue About Ball Crushing Square Roots - Episode 479 Quest Log: 0:19:10 Level Up: 2:11:00 It's Final Fantasy Heavy Rain Time. It's what Strangers in Paradise is like. It's also a prequel to Final Fantasy X. The Origami Killer is secretly Sin. And this time you can seduce Louis CK! And dance sexy for him!  Also: * Sexy Alias Adventures * Not Every Person Needs To Be A Serial Killer * Swallow Night: Milf Thong * Jimmy Carr Would Be A Ventrue * A Muppet Version of Expedition 33 * If Ethan Was Good At Close-Up Magic, None Of This Would Have Happened This Week: Finish Chapter 39 / Fish Tank With Norman Jayden Next Week: Finish Heavy Rain! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squ

Square Roots - Episode 478 Quest Log: 0:23:30 Level Up: 1:51:00 CONTENT WARNING: Suicide talk from 30:00 to 45:00 Today's episode of Square Roots is brought to you by the latest in Bidet technology, BidAi. And once you feel car-wash clean back there, please enjoy this essential chunker of David Cage's bonkers classic adventure game, Heavy Rain. There's fish throwing! A crucifix guy! Car driving! A Coward's Door! And so much more. Also: * The Disinfect The Wound Game * If Mister X and Barbarian Lady Had a Baby * He Dead * Johnny's Yuck Your Yum Corner * Hot Coffee Assault This Week: Get through Chapter 25 / End of the Golf Club! Next Week: Finish Chapter 39 / Fish Tank With Norman Jayden Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/

Heavy Rain: Part 1 - Origammy Square Roots - Episode 477 Quest Log: 0:26:25 Level Up: 2:43:04 Are you ready to be Caged? That's right, it's David Cage time! The notorious director of Quantic Dreams's games! And you all voted for us to play Heavy Rain for some reason when Fable III and Enslaved: Odyssey to the West are right there! But that's okay, we love you just the same. So here's three hours of us talking about a game that for some baffling reason Vanessa and Johnny both seem to love.  Also: * A Movie Where You Move The Boy Around * Making Fried Chicken Over There? * A Weird French Clown, Not An American Clown * Matt Versus The Dark Knight * There Is Bush In This Game, Kate Bush This Week: Get through Chapter 12 / leave the motel in Heavy Rain! Next Week: Get through Chapter 25 / End of the Golf Club! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user

Beyond Good & Evil: Part 3 - Vanessa Learns How To Snap Square Roots - Episode 476 Quest Log: 0:36:15 Level Up: 1:54:16 Holy crow! Vanessa, Jim and Matthew have finished Beyond Good & Evil already! And now you can play through with them through the end of the first and last entry in Ubisoft's series, I think we can all agree that means that the one with the swearing monkeys isn't coming out. Also: * I Don't Know What Happens In This Episode * Jim Hasn't Edited It Yet This Week: Finish Beyond Good & Evil! Next Week: Get through Chapter 10 / leave the motel in Heavy Rain! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

Beyond Good & Evil: Part 2 - Colin Firth is the Dessert Square Roots - Episode 475 Quest Log: 24:55 Level Up: 01:44:45 On this blockbusting episode of Square Roots, Vanessa, Jim and Matthew interrupt their examination of the premise of Mamma Mia! to discuss the Ubisoft classic action adventure game, Beyond Good & Evil! Also: * Vanessa Isn't Sure How To Pronounce Portcullis, Sue Perkins Is Disappointed * We Need a New Wolf * Lovett versus Lovitz * Menu Navigation: The Challenge of the Game * The Most Handsome Man Deserves to Go First in the Train * Anyone Wearing Green Lipstick Is Not Allowed to be Called Hot * The IRIS Network Substack This Week: Finish repairing the Beluga! Next Week: Finish Beyond Good & Evil! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www

Square Roots: The Superman Tangent Square Roots - Episode 474 Hot Gaming Goss: 02:45 Quest Log: 29:45 Level Up: 17:28 Non-Spoiler Review: 38:36 The Spoilery Superlog: 48:35 Matt and Jim decide just not to talk about Beyond Good & Evil after Vanessa's mysterious absence, and instead review the new Superman movie! Also: * I heard the new Marvel is crazy! * Our friend Artie's new Forgotten Realms cookbook! https://www.dmsguild.com/product/530169/The-Forgotten-Realms-Wiki-Presents-Junipers-Companion-to-Venturesome-Cookery?fbclid=IwY2xjawL0R1pleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHngl_Zqz2DgslbO9qGKKFLZwnTAwim1-dlvGolTE3CMbstTiK9LaCtNtGd3o_aem_EJSLl4fVUkDowWZV3VAtUw   This Week: Watch the new Superman movie! Next Week: Finish repairing the Beluga! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://ww

Beyond Good & Evil: Part 1 - Donkula Square Roots - Episode 473 Quest Log: 29:45 Level Up: 02:13:45 On this incredible first episode of Ubisoft's classic Black & White, Jim, Matt and Vanessa get to play the beloved Jade Empire. Wait. No. Okay it's Beyond Good & Evil, don't trust Matt's lies. Also: * Johnny’s on BlueOrigin  * Script treatments * Square roots reacts to pig ranking * P’uncle * Touching pigs, touching sheep * Reenacting the movie Pig * Business Casual Podcasting This Week: Return to Iris headquarters after the factory in Beyond Good & Evil! Next Week: Finish repairing the Beluga! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com