Love, Lust, And Laughter

A Tribute to Candida Royalle & the Sexual Revolution with Veronica Vera   Diana Wiley and Veronica Vera were each longtime, close friends of Candida Royalle, a pioneer in producing female-friendly pornographic films. Both women were interviewed by Jane Kamensky, former professor of history at Havard and director of the Elizabeth Schlesinger Library on the History of Women in America, for her recently released biography: Candida Royalle & the Sexual Revolution – A History from Below.   The book is a sympathetic, clear-eyed profile of a woman who made female pleasure her business by starting her own production company, Femme Productions, in 1984.  Royalle (Candice Vadala, 1950-2015) prioritized women’s pleasure and orgasm in her films, while featuring a variety of sensual and sexual play.  She wasn’t interested in making the same, old, typical, boring, (male-focused) pornography.     Veronica Vera (www.veronicaverawrites.com) wrote the column “Veronica Vera’s New York” that ran from 1985-1993. Veronica

Technology Changes Sex Education – What Parents Need to Know to Talk to Their Teens   Dr. Diana Wiley interviewed her amazing colleague Dr. Debby Herbenick, Provost Professor at the Indiana University School of Public Health, and Director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion. Dr. Debby has just published her sixth book: Yes, Your Kid: What Parents Need to Know About Today's Teens and Sex. She is widely considered one of the country’s most credible sources of accurate scientific information when it comes to sexuality.   How did she come to write this book? As a sex researcher and educator, she knew parents needed sex education—in an updated version. So much has changed because of internet access. Also changed are the ways that teenagers and young adults are having sex. There are changing sexual norms. As a mom, Dr. Debby was compelled to write Yes, Your Kid.   It’s important to be an askable parent, a parent who is warm, approachable, and supportive. Often with religious/church influences, the parents the

ANDROPAUSE, sometimes called MALE MENOPAUSE   Though the potency crisis that hits many men in middle age has some obvious causes – age, alcohol, stress – the decline is hormonal and psychological as well. Men often won’t discuss it with their doctors, their wives, or their lovers.   Dr. Stephanie Buehler (www.LearnSexTherapy.com), heading up The Buehler Institute, joined the program once again. When men and women face the same passages with different needs and directions, how does the partnership survive? Dr. Stephanie and Dr. Diana talked about it all!  Women go through the process of menopause in different ways, but it’s almost a universal experience. Men are all different.   Often there are existential issues. For example: Does my life have meaning? What parts of myself have been neglected that I am now free to live out? Do I matter? The denial of aging can show up in a man’s embracing symbols of success and vitality. It may also contribute to men avoiding seeking help when they experience sexual issues as

The Scariest Halloween Goblin: Many young men get their sex education from porn!   Dr. Paul Joannides, author of Guide to Getting It On, now in its 10th Edition, is seriously concerned about how porn affects young men. A great deal of sexual misery stems from mistaken beliefs! There is very little competent sex education to help.   Dr Paul, realizing that many young men, teenagers included, are compulsive about video gaming, developed the website Real Dude Radio to reach this audience with accurate information about sex. This works because young people consume information differently, conditioned by the video gaming industry and porn. They need help with the distortions of pornography.   Real Dude Radio is very enlightening! For example check out “The Ultimate Guide to the Clitoris.” A woman needs to get the brain and the body on the same page! This guide is clear and practical. You’ll also find “Sex in Porn vs Real Life.” Yes, porn is entertainment, NOT sex education. Or check out “Fap Not – Masturbate Madne

Sexual Communication Improves As We Get Older   Dr. Stephanie Buehler joins Dr. Diana in a conversation about sexual communication; later, the sex docs speak about menopause. Dr. Stephanie Buehler (www.LearnSexTherapy.com) is a licensed psychologist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and Supervisor. She is the author of several books on sexuality and relationships. Dr. Stephanie notes how important it is for the aging person to acknowledge and cope with changes. What doesn’t change is the solution: Couples need to figure out their sexual needs and wants and communicate them (and perhaps put down their phones for a while!). Conversation, it seems, is the most powerful type of foreplay. Talk to each other about sex. What do you want to feel? Desired, young, and alive?  Or?  Then you have to decide if you’re willing to put in the work. Practice, practice! Gourmet sex is like gourmet cooking. They don’t happen without focus.   Dr. Buehler points out that before having a hard conversation with a loved one, it’s im

Is the “Barbie” Movie Layered with Subversive Messages?   Nicole McNichols, PhD – The Sex Professor – www.nicolethesexprofessor.com – joins Dr. Diana to review the movie “Barbie.” They explored layered themes, including body image, appearances, perfectionism, and shame.   It’s not surprising that for the past 64 years, Barbie has been at the center of debates about who women are, who they should be, how they look, and what they want. The “Barbie” movie reveals many answers!   Body Image/Appearances – Dr. Nicole and Dr. Diana discussed how a woman’s image of her body affects her sexuality – and her relationship with her partner. There is “spectatoring” – looking at yourself with a critical eye during sex, preventing mindfulness. Sensate Focus exercises promote touching, massaging – helping a couple discover new erogenous zones for pleasure beyond PIV (Penis-In-Vagina) sex. What to do about a poor body image? Cultivate the ability to appreciate your uniqueness. When you start to appreciate your imperfections as

Alternative Relationship Arrangements   David Steinberg is a writer of consummate intelligence and compassion! Whether he is writing books or taking photographs, it comes across that sex is who we are, how we live, and how we experience pleasure and life. I’ve known David since 1988 when his first book Erotic by Nature was published. We’ve been friends for 35 years!   David and I discuss Open Relationships (one aspect of ethical nonmonogamy) and Living Apart Together. David and Kim, his partner of 17 years, practice both. David talks about how they give each other freedom, they get to be who they authentically are. He says they keep it fresh!  Every year and a day Kim and David meet to review and further define their relationship. Do they want to continue for another year and a day? It appears they have the real thing going on, a true love story!   Ethical Nonmonogamy (ENM) describes the situation where members of a couple consent to having additional sexual and/or romantic partners, and it’s gaining in popul

Getting “Sex Smart” with Dr. Mark Schoen   Dr. Mark Schoen is a sex educator and a filmmaker whose website www.SexSmartFilms.com has been called the “Netflix of sex education.” Fifteen years ago, Dr. Mark started with 46 films and now his site has over 600 films divided into three categories – Education, Research, and Therapy.     Many universities use Sex Smart Films knowing that it is a sex educator’s dream come true! Parents need to familiarize themselves with the Education section of the site. Research shows that mothers and fathers who talk about sex with their kids are more likely to end up with adult children who share their values.   Dr. Diana suggests that her client couples use the Therapy section for Sensate Focus Exercises. For her female clients with anorgasmia, using the “Becoming Orgasmic” steps can help with just that! Dr. Mark says many people use these two sections for self-help – when sex therapy is not an option.   Watching any of the films of Mark’s site can be a great way to improve a co

Dr. Jordan Tishler, MD, is a cannabis specialist with a practice in Boston. Dr. Tishler graduated from both Harvard College and Harvard Medical School. Now he helps patients around the world. All of his appointments are virtual.   His website has lots of helpful information. Soon Dr. Tishler will publish his randomized, controlled study with one thousand females, looking at situational orgasmic disorders. Most women can bring themselves to orgasm by masturbating, especially using a vibrating toy. Orgasms with a partner are more difficult for many women. Cannabis helps with orgasms!   “Evidence Mounts: Cannabis Enhances Lovemaking for Most” is the title of Michael Castleman’s Psychology Today Blog post (Oct. 15, 2022). Dr. Diana and Dr. Tishler spoke about the key points:   As cannabis becomes increasingly legal, many studies show that most users report better sex. A 2020 report from Stanford researchers revealed that cannabis increases desire and arousal for most women and improves orgasm and satisfaction, an

Talk about WILD MONOGAMY!   Listen to this satisfied couple: “Sex is the glue that keeps us tight – when your rhythms are the same, your fantasies, tastes, and levels of desire mesh and blend because you know this is not to be found on any corner just ahead.” Mali Apple and Joe Dunn (www.MaliandJoe.com) have this sort of sexual relationship, this sort of intimacy. And they wrote about it.   The authors draw on stories from real people and the latest research on sex and love. Their forthcoming book, Wild Monogamy: Cultivating Erotic Intimacy to Keep Passion and Desire Alive, encourages couples to develop – or redevelop! – their erotic intimacy. Both in their coaching and in the book, Mali and Joe suggest that couples explore the edges of their “erotic comfort zones” to keep their sexual connection energized. One of you might be nervous but still you set up adventures to explore. Joe confessed he was once nervous to be naked on a nude beach … but then, he got to focus eventually on how the sun felt on his skin!

VALENTINE’S DAY is coming soon – LET’S TALK ROMANCE!   Dr. Ashley Mader (www.Ourshine.org) joined Dr. Diana to talk about love and romance. After all, love is a topic central to our lives and our search for meaning; alas, mystery and myth still cling.   The two sex therapists explored three areas:   They first targeted singles with the question: Who is my perfect romantic partner? A study in Proceedings of the National Academy of Science in 2020 addressed this topic. Sorting through a massive data-set of 11,196 couples, they tried to figure out what makes some romantic relationships happier than others. The academics came to one central conclusion – that relationships are unpredictable. But while data analysis appears unable to point people to their ideal mates, it can tell us why our gut instincts are often wrong. When people choose partners, they tend to favor those who are physically attractive as well as people in certain height ranges. For daters, a potential strategy is to seek out people other daters t

GOALS FOR 2023: Integrating More Intimacy and Avoiding Bad Sex   To help Dr. Diana explore these goals for 2023, she welcomed back Dr. Ashley Mader to Love, Lust and Laughter. Dr. Ashely is a sex therapist, educator, and consultant (www.ourshine.org).   We two sex therapists talked about “How to Have Bad Sex” and how to turn those negatives into positives.   Having bad sex requires that you: Compare Yourself to Others. Sexuality may be the most subjective aspect of human experience. Forget the magazine quizzes and the six-step sex books! If you want to do something useful for your sex life, focus on yourself and anyone you’re having sex with – and don’t turn away. Be fully present.   Ignore Your Body: The idea of a perfect body is fiction. You may be ignoring your body at the expense of genuine sexual pleasure and empowerment. It’s not easy, but working with the body you’ve got is a crucial part of improving your sex life. Get out of your head and into your body! Lots of sex surveys reveal that guys are not

JOY & STRESS – IT’S THE HOLIDAYS!   Dr. Carol Queen’s Good Vibrations platform allows her to focus on sex education and women’s pleasure. There is an abundance of sex education in The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone. Dr. Diana and Dr. Carol enjoyed a conversation about joys and stressors over the holidays. To have more joy, we need to manage our stress better!   The mind-body approach – the brain is locked in an intricate embrace with the body. It turns out the body has a big say in what we do and who we are. Information flows into the brain not only through all our senses but also from the vagus nerve as it snakes past all our organs, especially the gut. The vagus offers a pathway for healing the mind through the body.   Deep breathing practices of mindfulness can create an inner state of calm. Like most organs, our lungs are on autopilot, but we can take the wheel. Deep breathing for a minute or so recruits the vagus to send an all-clear signal to the brain. In d

  Dr. Carol Queen Is a “Cultural Sexologist” – Politically And Socially   She is the Staff Sexologist at Good Vibrations, a nationwide chain of sex toy stores. Since 1990 Dr. Carol has enjoyed a unique platform to focus on sex education and women’s pleasure. Her sex education is published in The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.   The midterms revealed notable pro-choice outcomes. Abortion is healthcare and bodily autonomy is a human right! There is a long history of criminalizing bodily autonomy, especially for Black, Indigenous, working class, and trans people. Dr. Carol and Dr. Diana discussed the various culture war issues.   Bay Area activist Carol Leigh (1951-2022), also known as The Scarlot Harlot, died earlier this month. Her legacy in the area of sex work activism is substantial. She defined sex work as a labor issue, not a crime, not a sin. The job is done by a million people in this country who are stigmatized and criminalized by working to support their fami

LOVE AFTER LOSS – Becoming Capable of Intimacy and Laughter Again   Dr. Lori Buckley, my friend and colleague of nearly 20 years, is the perfect guest to explore this topic. She and I have some parallels on our life paths. We are both Sex Therapists who have narrated sex education videos for The Sinclair Institute – including Great Sex for a Lifetime. We’ve both been divorced and widowed and remarried – me four+ years ago, she in 19 days! We both moved out of L.A. – hoping for a more simpatico male dating pool, among other reasons. Big surprise – Los Angeles has more than its share of narcissistic men!   (Note: although the following stories are written from the perspective of women dating men, the advice is generally applicable to any gender dating any gender.) Beware of the man who doesn’t ask any questions about you on the first date. These guys are probably very narcissistic. Me. Me. Me. But it can’t be all about him when it comes to relationships. Besides, he may hold idea that I will find someone who ma

Parenting, Anxiety and Differentiation of Self: What does Sex Have to Do With It?   Dr. Diana and her guest, Dr. Ashley Mader, reflected on the anxious times we are living in, where stress can either be an accelerator for sexual intimacy or a brake for it. The better differentiated each partner is, the better they can communicate their desires (or lack thereof). Differentiation involves learning to balance your individuality (separateness) with your emotional connection to someone else (togetherness). For some, there is a loss of self – especially in anxious times. “Me Time” is essential. You can’t feel sexy with someone else if you don’t feel sensual and relaxed alone. For one client, a way to hold onto herself was to go to a hotel alone for 24 hours to decompress and sooth her anxiety. This was a time for enlightened selfishness!   NOTE: Dr. Ashley Mader will discuss this topic at the upcoming conference PARENTING DURING ANXIOUS TIMES (www.TheBowenCenter.org) September 30,2022, 9:30-3:30 EDT.   Most women w

NRE – New Relationship Energy. How To Keep It Going!   Therapist Dr. Ashley Mader – www.OurShine.org – sees clients who experiencing the euphoria of new relationship energy—NRE—as well as clients in the process of separation or divorce and wondering how they got there. Dr. Ashley and Dr. Diana have similar cases in their practices; so, a lively conversation ensued!   As with many things, the brain is involved, providing a biological reaction. In the early days of the relationship, the brain is pumping out dopamine, which plays a role in arousal and seeking out rewards. You’re focused on your partner and it builds the infatuation. Over time, oxytocin takes over, which promotes bonding and feelings of comfort. In the early days couples may feel like they’re on speed – later it may feel like they’re on an anti-depressant.   Michael Castleman, author and Psychology Today contributor, writes about dopamine, saying, “Novelty is a nutrient that nourishes relationships and enhances sex.” Couples that want to keep the

Funny, Irreverent, Intelligent Sex Educator and Author Of Guide To Getting It On   Dr. Diana welcomed Dr. Paul Joannides, the author of Guide to Getting It On, now in its 10th edition. This is what Dr. Diana wrote in her book Love in the Time of Corona, Chapter 8 – Learn More About Sex: “Guide to Getting It On is the first book I recommend to my clients. It’s possibly the best book ever written about sex. This comprehensive book is a fun read, filled with entertaining illustrations and detailed, hands-on information about all kinds of sexual practices … Rolling Stone Magazine called it “the only sex manual you’ll ever need!”   Dr. Paul has great blogs on his website www.GuideToGettingItOn.com and Psychology Today. He asks two questions in his blog Redefining Sex Education: “How do we deliver sex education to today’s teens and young adults on their turf and in ways they consume information? And, how do we make sex education effective for people whose main source of sex education is porn? It’s true, sex educati

Integrating Mind & Body and Past & Present for More Pleasurable Sex   Stella Resnick, PhD, has been a friend and mentor for thirty years. At a May 2, 1992 meeting of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality (informally known as “Quad S”), Dr. Stella spoke about Actualizing Sexual Potential, asking “How good can sex get?” New to the field, I was immediately enthralled by my colleague who focused on pleasure!     In this episode, Dr. Stella and I covered a range of topics, highlighting some of her significant contributions to the understanding of the role of pleasure in healthy sexuality.   Attachment, Attunement and Sexuality Attachment is how we bond; it is programmed in us from day one! The mother and infant are wired to connect; and this is foundational for his/her development. The baby automatically mimics the facial expressions of mother. If the child is wanted and born of a happy marriage, the mother smiles and looks into its eyes deeply. If, on the other hand, the baby looks like the da

Mark Twain Meets Don Juan   “Mark Twain meets Don Juan—a delectable fusion of brains and balls!” is an observation made about Howie Gordon’s book HINDSIGHT: True Love and Mischief in the Golden Age of Porn. It’s true that Howie Gordon – aka Richard Pacheco – is unafraid to experience the wilds, both inner and outer. He writes with huge humor that will keep you laughing throughout his fascinating journey!   On Love, Lust and Laughter, Dr. Diana interviewed Howie in 2013 and in 2015. The first time he was on a panel with Nina Hartley and Candida Royalle. In 2015, sadly, he and Nina joined Diana on air grieving the death of Candida.   His longtime friend Whoopi Goldberg noted in her Foreword that he wrote in a time of storytelling with an X Rating. And what a storyteller he is! Howie spoke about his peak experiences working in the Golden Age of Porn (1969–1984), as well as what lessons he learned.   “Hot & Saucy Pizza Girls” was one of his first porn films. He recalled that Candida Royalle was young and wild