Seltzer Death Match

Merry Christmas! Time for seven more jams to die.

Tomorrow is Xmas and we're ready to X two of the final three jams PERMANENTLY. Will they be Christmasy? Will they even be jams? Only one way to find out... read the AI summary of this podcast episode! Listening is for chumps

Christmas is almost here! And given the current Stanley tumbler supply, it's a great opportunity to buy one and time travel back to 2024

What's more Christmassy than a peppercorn?

Last ChristmasI gave you my jamBut the very next dayYou gave it away

Not even a fortnight has passed and already blueberry is back in our mouths? Go off, Bonne Maman.

Anything's a fruit when you do the research! Join us as we taste spreads 7-9 on the most IDGAF (I don't give a FRUIT) Bonne Maman Advent Calendar.

Wassail away wassail away wasail awayFrom the North Pole to the South PoleEbudæ unto KhartoumFrom the deep Sea of CloudsTo Santa's workshop on the MoonJoin us for an esoteric carol quiz and our taste test of days 4-6 of the 2025 Bonne Maman advent calendar.

The quest to find the best 2025 Bonne Maman advent calendar begins! Abbey and Travis must each choose to kill one of the following: Wild Blueberry Maple Syrup, Fig Cardamom or Plum Pear Star Anise. Only one can survive to the Christmas final!

Jam the halls with jars of jam!It's a Christmas miracle. Abbey and Travis are back to review all 24 jams in the Bonne Maman 2025 advent calendar of li'l French jellies. This year, there's a twist: We'll publish every three days, reviewing the past triduums' spreads and choosing the best of the three to move on to the grand final bracket on Christmas day.

'Twas the jam before Jam-mas, when all through the jam / Not a jam was jamming, not even a jam; / The jam were jam by the jam with jam, / Jam jam jam jam jam jam jam jam jam jam jam. It's the grand finale of "Little French Jelly Death Match" and today Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk try the twenty-fourth of 23 jams and 1 honey, and then never eat jam ever again. Merry Christmas and thanks for joining us on this delightful journey! CURRENT STANDINGS 1. Cherry Christmas Spice (66) -- 6-day jampion 2. Strawberry Star Anise (65) 3. Orange Cinnamon (63) 4. Mirabelle Plum Spice (58) -- tie at #4 4. Mirabelle Plum Linden Blossom (58) -- tie at #4 6. Strawberry and Redcurrant (54) 7. White Nectarine Peach Lemon Verbena (47) -- tie at #7 7. Fig Cardamom (47) -- tie at #7 9. Apricot Peach (45) 10. Cherry Elderflower (44) 11. Strawberry Verbena (43) 12. Apricot Bergamot (42) - tie at #12 12. Pineapple Yuzu (42) - tie at #12 12. Orange Mandarin (42) - tie at #12 12. Orange Yuzu Grapefruit (42) - tie at #12 12. Peach Jasmin

I'm going to be quite honest. Mango Raspberry Lime? What are we doing here? On this, the eve of Christmas Eve? This couldn't have come earlier in the calendar? Who's programming this thing? What's happening? If this were the AV Club, you'd be getting a C-, Bonne Maman. Step it up. Anyway, "Little French Jelly Death Match" is almost over, and before this feed reverts back to seltzer stuff Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk are trying the twenty-third of 23 jams and 1 honey. CURRENT STANDINGS 1. Cherry Christmas Spice (66) -- 5-day jampion 2. Strawberry Star Anise (65) 3. Orange Cinnamon (63) 4. Mirabelle Plum Spice (58) -- tie at #4 4. Mirabelle Plum Linden Blossom (58) -- tie at #4 6. Strawberry and Redcurrant (54) 7. White Nectarine Peach Lemon Verbena (47) -- tie at #7 7. Fig Cardamom (47) -- tie at #7 9. Apricot Peach (45) 10. Cherry Elderflower (44) 11. Strawberry Verbena (43) 12. Apricot Bergamot (42) - tie at #12 12. Pineapple Yuzu (42) - tie at #12 12. Orange Mandarin (42) - tie at #12 12. Orange Yuzu Grape

First, a jellyfish fact has washed up on the beach of this podcast. After we have some fun learning about marine biology, we try some more jam because that's all we do or have ever done with our lives. Time is running out to be named the best jam before Christmas! And today, Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk dive into the twenty-second of 23 jams and 1 honey. CURRENT STANDINGS 1. Cherry Christmas Spice (66) -- 4-day jampion 2. Orange Cinnamon (63) 3. Mirabelle Plum Spice (58) -- tie at #3 3. Mirabelle Plum Linden Blossom (58) -- tie at #3 5. Strawberry and Redcurrant (54) 6. White Nectarine Peach Lemon Verbena (47) -- tie at #6 6. Fig Cardamom (47) -- tie at #6 8. Apricot Peach (45) 9. Cherry Elderflower (44) 10. Strawberry Verbena (43) 11. Apricot Bergamot (42) - tie at #11 11. Pineapple Yuzu (42) - tie at #11 11. Orange Mandarin (42) - tie at #11 11. Orange Yuzu Grapefruit (42) - tie at #11 11. Peach Jasmine Flower (42) - tie at #11 16. Peach Mint (40) 17. Rhubarb Strawberry (35) 18. Apple Caramel Cinnamon (34)

The font size has never been smaller as Bonne Maman throws every fucking ingredient it has into one jam. The end is near and they need to clear out the pantry, plus all the jams have been good lately, so let's cut them some slack. In this episode, Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk try the twenty-first of 23 jams and 1 honey. CURRENT STANDINGS 1. Cherry Christmas Spice (66) -- 3-day jampion 2. Orange Cinnamon (63) 3. Mirabelle Plum Spice (58) -- tie at #3 3. Mirabelle Plum Linden Blossom (58) -- tie at #3 5. Strawberry and Redcurrant (54) 6. Fig Cardamom (47) 7. Apricot Peach (45) 8. Cherry Elderflower (44) 9. Strawberry Verbena (43) 10. Apricot Bergamot (42) - tie at #10 10. Pineapple Yuzu (42) - tie at #10 10. Orange Mandarin (42) - tie at #10 10. Orange Yuzu Grapefruit (42) - tie at #10 10. Peach Jasmine Flower (42) - tie at #10 15. Peach Mint (40) 16. Rhubarb Strawberry (35) 17. Apple Caramel Cinnamon (34) 18. Pear with Cocoa Nib (32) 19. Grapefruit Dragonfruit (24)

Why is Christmas in December? We'll clear that up. And then... the return of Mirabelle Plum! The return of spice! Could this team-up skyrocket to the top of the charts? Find out as "Little French Jelly Death Match" continues -- a podcast no one asked for, but Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk are making anyway. It's the twentieth of 23 jams and 1 honey, and oh boy, we can hear the sleigh bells already. CURRENT STANDINGS 1. Cherry Christmas Spice (66) -- 2-day jampion 2. Orange Cinnamon (63) 3. Mirabelle Plum Linden Blossom (58) 4. Strawberry and Redcurrant (54) 5. Fig Cardamom (47) 6. Apricot Peach (45) 7. Cherry Elderflower (44) 8. Strawberry Verbena (43) 9. Apricot Bergamot (42) - tie at #9 9. Pineapple Yuzu (42) - tie at #9 9. Orange Mandarin (42) - tie at #9 9. Orange Yuzu Grapefruit (42) - tie at #9 9. Peach Jasmine Flower (42) - tie at #9 14. Peach Mint (40) 15. Rhubarb Strawberry (35) 16. Apple Caramel Cinnamon (34) 17. Pear with Cocoa Nib (32) 18. Grapefruit Dragonfruit (24)

Before we begin this episode, a quick note about the gender binary we've been opening the past 18 episodes with. This is an inclusive jam podcast, welcoming to all genders of jammers, and we apologize to those who felt left out. No one has said anything, but just in case. Also, it's time to try the nineteenth of 23 jams and 1 honey. CURRENT STANDINGS 1. Cherry Christmas Spice (66) 2. Mirabelle Plum Linden Blossom (58) 3. Strawberry and Redcurrant (54) 4. Fig Cardamom (47) 5. Apricot Peach (45) 6. Cherry Elderflower (44) 7. Strawberry Verbena (43) 8. Apricot Bergamot (42) - tie at #8 8. Pineapple Yuzu (42) - tie at #8 8. Orange Mandarin (42) - tie at #8 8. Orange Yuzu Grapefruit (42) - tie at #8 8. Peach Jasmine Flower (42) - tie at #8 13. Peach Mint (40) 14. Rhubarb Strawberry (35) 15. Apple Caramel Cinnamon (34) 16. Pear with Cocoa Nib (32) 17. Grapefruit Dragonfruit (24)

Please welcome to the stage: Cherry Christmas Spice! It's looking good for holiday spirit, because "Christmas" is literally in the name of this jam. Before Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk try this eighteenth of 23 jams and 1 honey, they discuss the Biblical origins of Hanukkah and the existential dread of Lego. CURRENT STANDINGS 1. Mirabelle Plum Linden Blossom (58) -- 13-day jampion 2. Strawberry and Redcurrant (54) 3. Fig Cardamom (47) 4. Apricot Peach (45) 5. Cherry Elderflower (44) 6. Strawberry Verbena (43) 7. Apricot Bergamot (42) - tie at #7 7. Pineapple Yuzu (42) - tie at #7 7. Orange Mandarin (42) - tie at #7 7. Orange Yuzu Grapefruit (42) - tie at #7 7. Peach Jasmine Flower (42) - tie at #7 12. Peach Mint (40) 13. Rhubarb Strawberry (35) 14. Apple Caramel Cinnamon (34) 15. Pear with Cocoa Nib (32) 16. Grapefruit Dragonfruit (24)

Whew, that new Avatar movie was quite something, huh? I do think there could have been some more jam in it. Really, just not enough jam. What's going on, James, did you blow the entire budget on special effects and couldn't afford to put down a few Washingtons for a jar of fruit spread? Anyway, this isn't Rotten Tomatoes, it's a jam podcast that used to be a seltzer podcast. Today, Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk try the seventeenth of 23 jams and 1 honey. 2/3 down, 1/3 to go, ho ho ho. CURRENT STANDINGS 1. Mirabelle Plum Linden Blossom (58) -- 12-day jampion 2. Strawberry and Redcurrant (54) 3. Fig Cardamom (47) 4. Apricot Peach (45) 5. Cherry Elderflower (44) 6. Strawberry Verbena (43) 7. Apricot Bergamot (42) - tie at #7 7. Pineapple Yuzu (42) - tie at #7 7. Orange Mandarin (42) - tie at #7 7. Orange Yuzu Grapefruit (42) - tie at #7 7. Peach Jasmine Flower (42) - tie at #7 12. Rhubarb Strawberry (35) 13. Apple Caramel Cinnamon (34) 14. Pear with Cocoa Nib (32) 15. Grapefruit Dragonfruit (24)

Things got POSH up in this advent calendar! Apricot!? Bergamot!?!? What is this, Saks Fifth Avenue!!????!? Get ready to feel like you're definitely part of the problem in our capitalist hellscape in this episode of "Little French Jelly Death Match." Today's consumers, as always, are Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk. And they're going to taste the sixteenth of 23 jams and 1 honey. CURRENT STANDINGS 1. Mirabelle Plum Linden Blossom (58) -- 11-day jampion 2. Strawberry and Redcurrant (54) 3. Fig Cardamom (47) 4. Apricot Peach (45) 5. Cherry Elderflower (44) 6. Strawberry Verbena (43) 7. Pineapple Yuzu (42) - tie at #7 7. Orange Mandarin (42) - tie at #7 7. Orange Yuzu Grapefruit (42) - tie at #7 7. Peach Jasmine Flower (42) - tie at #7 11. Rhubarb Strawberry (35) 12. Apple Caramel Cinnamon (34) 13. Pear with Cocoa Nib (32) 14. Grapefruit Dragonfruit (24)

How long does jam keep? Today we'll give you the FDA's official guidelines on jam safety so you can know whether it's time to throw out the remnants of that Day 1 Rhubarb Strawberry spread. Plus, Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk will stuff their maws with the fifteenth of 23 jams and 1 honey. "Little French Jelly Death Match" continues! CURRENT STANDINGS 1. Mirabelle Plum Linden Blossom (58) -- 10-day jampion 2. Strawberry and Redcurrant (54) 3. Fig Cardamom (47) 4. Apricot Peach (45) 5. Cherry Elderflower (44) 6. Pineapple Yuzu (42) - tie at #6 6. Orange Mandarin (42) - tie at #6 6. Orange Yuzu Grapefruit (42) - tie at #6 6. Peach Jasmine Flower (42) - tie at #6 10. Rhubarb Strawberry (35) 11. Apple Caramel Cinnamon (34) 12. Pear with Cocoa Nib (32) 13. Grapefruit Dragonfruit (24)