Your Stupid Minds

Your Stupid Minds is back! Chuck Norris uses his iron leg to battle ninjas, mercenaries, and deceptive women in the low budget classic The Octagon! Strap yourself in for the best approximation of the plot we could put together. Scott James (Chuck Norris) is a famous martial artist who has a secret past as a ninja. Or just trained as a ninja. He has an evil Japanese brother Seikura (Tadashi Yamashita) who got kicked out of ninja school and is now training terrorists against their will in the art of ninja. Scott goes on a date with a woman and she's killed by ninjas. He goes on a quest to find the ninjas and his evil brother. Meanwhile his misogynist friend A.J. (Art Hindle) is desperately searching for a reason for his character to be in this movie. He's horning in on Scott's dates and swearing revenge on ninjas for the flimsiest of reasons. Scott visits McCarn (Lee Van Cleef) a murderous mercenary, but a good one. Scott uses him to try to find Doggo (Kurt Grayson) who has some connection to the ninjas. Scott

It's our fourth and final foray into the 3 Ninjas franchise! We have finally completed the series in reverse chronological order by covering the original film. It's 1992's 3 Ninjas, starring Michael Treanor, Max Elliott Slade, Chad Power, and Victor Wong. Rocky (Treanor), Colt (Slade), and Tum Tum (Power) are three normal Southern Californian kids except for one small difference: they spend their summers learning the deadly art of ninjutsu with their Grandpa Mori (Wong). Their training looks suspiciously like karate, and Grandpa's lessons seems slightly contradictory ("Ninjas never fight those weaker than them," "Don't fight an opponent you can't beat.") but that's neither here nor there. Meanwhile, the boys' father (Alan McRae) is an FBI agent trying to catch all around bad guy Snyder (Rand Kingsley). Their lives intersect through Snyder's connection to Grandpa Mori, who trained Snyder in the ninja arts, which he now uses for evil. The 3 ninjas return to their wildfire kindling home so Rocky can awkwardly fl

Your Stupid Minds returns to the world of Andy Sidaris in 1990's Guns, with all your favorite Sidaris tropes: babes, hunks, Hawaii, remote control boats, regular sized boats, backwards planes, rocket launchers, motorcycles inside vans, poor marksmanship, helicopters, and so on. Starring Dona Speir, Erik Estrada, Phyllis Davis, Danny Trejo, Amon-Ra St. Brown's dad, and about 14,000 other people. With the return of special guest Nico Mesa! International criminal the Jack of Diamonds (Estrada) concocts a convoluted plan to kill off secret agent Donna Hamilton's (Speir) friends to distract her from noticing a Chinese gun smuggling operation he's at the center of (you know they're Chinese guns because each one has a red star sticker printed off of their home inkjet printer). Despite his cross-dressing hitmen killing the wrong person, the plan works and Donna and her team of bodacious 80s agents descend on Las Vegas (and, when they feel like it, Lake Havasu City, Arizona) to shoot guys with bazookas, copulate on to

In his attempt to distance himself from the increasingly tedious God's Not Dead franchise, David A.R. White tries out a standard action thriller with the finest washed up actors Hollywood has to offer. It's 2025's A Line of Fire, starring Cuba Gooding Jr., Jason Patric, Katrina Bowden, and Scott Baio. Cash (White) is a retired FBI agent, widower, great dad, fantastic cook, and patriot with amazing hair who everyone likes and is cool. When his former partner is gunned down at a yacht party by GTA Online maniacs on WaveRunners, her niece Jamie (Bowden) retreats to a safe house and calls Cash for help. He takes time out of being the greatest dad and man who's ever lived to save her, gunning down meaty goons with CGI muzzle flashes and computer squibs. Despite being the greatest FBI agent to ever live and smartest man alive, he seems unconcerned that every time he calls his former FBI buddies for help, his plans are thwarted by the homicidal drug cartel. Josef (Patric) knows his every move: casting his chess piec

Did you know they made a Red Sonja remake in 2025? You didn't? Well they did. Here it is. It's 2025's Red Sonja, starring Matilda Lutz, Robert Sheehan, and Wallis Day. Red Sonja (Lutz) is a young Hyrkanian girl whose village is destroyed by some evil emperor. She spends the next 20 years or so wandering around in the woods with her horse, completely incurious of the apparently vast diaspora of her people across the land. Eventually the new emperor Draygan (Sheehan) sends some guys to kill fantasy forest rhinos. Red Sonja gets mad and starts a fight with his Mercy Graves style henchwoman (slash lover? Unclear) Annisia (Day). Red Sonja loses and is imprisoned inside a little mini-Gladiator ripoff movie in the middle of this movie. When he was young, Draygan stole half of the holy book of the Hyrkanian people, using its knowledge of power orbs, flamethrowers, and RobCo brain-computer interface chips to escape slavery and ascend to emperor. Red Sonja fights her way out of gladiatorial bondage, still keeping her s

Your Stupid Minds is back in 2026 with 1995's Man of the House, part of a crop of mid-90s Disney live action comedies about how hard it is to be a father or whatever. Starring Chevy Chase, Farrah Fawcett, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, and George Wendt. After Ben's (JTT) father left the family years ago, he has formed a close bond with his mother Sandy (Fawcett) and is wary of her new fiancé, U.S. Attorney Jack (Chase). In an effort to bond with his future stepson, Jack joins the Indian Guides and befriends a bunch of weirdos, including pack (or whatever, I only know Boy Scout terms) leader Chet (Wendt). Eventually, through the ancient art of being corny as hell, Jack slowly grows a connection with Ben and cracks his cool Six Flags appareled 90s exterior. Meanwhile in a completely different movie, Jack has put away a stereotypical mob guy in prison for fifty years and the bumbling mobster son has vowed revenge. In the climactic finale, the mob son and his doofy capos traipse around the woods of the Pacific Northwest

Per holiday tradition, Your Stupid Minds returns with another Hallmark Christmas movie, one that is so insulting not even Hallmark Christmas movie fans like it. It's 2022's Christmas Bedtime Stories, starring Erin Cahill, Steve Lund, and Charlie Weber. Danielle (Cahill) is a war widow mother whose perfect Marine husband was killed in combat three years prior. Christmas is coming up and, since all major events in her life revolve around Christmas, she's feeling the loss especially hard. These feelings are exacerbated when her chaste Ken doll boyfriend Pierce (Lund) proposes. She says yes, but then starts to see some undeniable signs of her dead husband: lights flickering, a man in a military town wearing a Marine Corps jacket, snow in Virginia in late December. Undeniable. The movie putters along with 50 different conversations of people coming up to people and asking "heeeyyyy, are you okay?" Danielle talks to her sister and friend (or are these the same person?) who materialize in her living room with a glas

Your Stupid Minds returns after a brief unplanned hiatus to give you a film generally reviled in both concept and execution across the entire political spectrum. It's hopefully one of Disney's last romps into the live action remake sphere: 2025's Snow White. We're all familiar with the formula by now: take an animated classic from the back catalogue, cast someone who can sing as the lead, someone who can't sing as the villain, fill the rest of the roles with nobodies you can pay scale, add some lens flares and CGI nightmares and shove it into theaters for a cool billion dollar global gross. This has worked time and time again despite its overwhelming superfluousness, but Snow White seems to have burst the bubble through a combination of political turmoil, excessive padding, and nightmare dwarfs. Snow White (Rachel Zegler) is a nice lady whose queen mom dies and king dad marries the Evil Queen (Gal Gadot). The Evil Queen turns everything bad, but as long as her magic mirror tells her she's hot then Snow White

After a contentious bidding war with New Line Cinema, Miramax was determined to revamp the Halloween franchise with this jumbled mess. It's 1995's Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, starring Donald Pleasance, Marianne Hagan, Kim Darby, and Paul Rudd. When Michael Myers and his niece Jamie (J.C. Brandy) are kidnapped by cultists at the end of Halloween V: The Revenge of Michael Myers (don't worry, we get into the series chronology in the episode), Jamie is forced to give birth to a baby for we assume child sacrifice purposes. She escapes with her newborn but is murdered by Michael; the killer is singularly determined to wipe out his entire bloodline (but is shockingly not very adept at it). Meanwhile, a new Strode family has moved into Michael's murder mansion. Kara (Hagan) is a young woman trying to get her life back on track with her six year old son Danny (Devin Gardner). Much like his namesake in The Shining, Danny has special murderer powers and voices in his head, but unlike The Shining, this is unim

Your Stupid Minds starts its spooktacular October with a Spanish/Italian collab that numerous Letterboxd reviews describe as "giallo meets Scooby Doo," presumably because there's one mask reveal and some Italians are involved. It's 1972's The Murder Mansion! After an "exciting" car/motorcycle chase, speed demon Fred (Andrés Resino) steals comely hitchhiker Laura (Lisa Leonardo) from sweaty creep Mr. Porter (Franco Fantasia). Meanwhile, neurotic divorcee Elsa (Analía Gadé) races off into the foggy night with some other people. They all find themselves lost in the fog (even after Fred asks directions from the Grim Reaper) and end up at the titular murder mansion, an old house in the foothills of Spain with its very own cemetery! It's overseen by the young Martha Clinton, a descendant of the house's original satanic inhabitants. Soon, strange things begin to occur, not entirely spurred by Fred's morbid fascination with going to the basement. A lumbering chauffeur (not unlike Maniac Cop or Tor Johnson) and an old

Wirework lover and wife guy Paul W.S. Anderson tries his hand at an adventure classic with 2011’s The Three Musketeers! How is he going to find a way to add Matrix fights, laser traps and exploding airships into this one? Starring Ray Stevenson, Luke Evans, Orlando Bloom, Mads Mikkelsen, Chrisoph Waltz, and, you guessed it, Milla Jovovich. After a successful heist in Venice, the musketeers and Milady manage to steal Leonardo la Vinci’s famous airship plans. Athos (Matthew Macfadyen) uses his classic scuba ninja skills, Aramis (Evans) his Assassin’s Creed cloak-wearing skills, and Porthos (Stevenson) his getting into prison on purpose skills. However, tragedy strikes when Milady, with the help of the Duke of Buckingham (Bloom) betrays the team and steals the plans for the duke. One year later, D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman) is a Gascon bumpkin heading to the big city to start duels with everyone he meets. After picking a fight with Rochefort (Mikkelsen), the best swordsman in France, he picks fights with the 2nd-4t

Your Stupid Minds returns to the deep well of Albert Pyun with another cyberspace type 90s movie about an evil VR arcade machine that turns you insane and then kidnaps you and is also Freddy Krueger. It's 1993's Arcade, starring Megan Ward, Peter Billingsley, John de Lancie, and Seth Green as "Stilts." After her mother's suicide, Alex (Ward) is struggling in school. During a visit to their favorite foggy subterranean arcade "Dante's Inferno," Alex and her friends check out a new VR machine called, uninspiringly, "Arcade," that makes you feel like you're INSIDE THE GAME despite it basically being a joystick and stationary Virtual Boy headset. After the amazing demonstration, Alex's boyfriend Greg (Bryan Dattilo) disappears, and Alex must find him. It turns out Greg was sucked INTO THE GAME and also the game is evil. She recruits Nick (Billingsley) to help. A visit to the video game studio and a talk with the game's creator provides surprisingly little information. He's just as confounded by his creation as eve

Your Stupid Minds returns to computer with a sequel to 1992's cyber thriller The Lawnmower Man. Except 1996's Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (or is it Jobe's War?) is bigger, dumber, and significantly less financially successful, somehow opening at #19 in the box office on 1,600 screens. Starring no one from the original movie except Austin O'Brien. Peter (O'Brien) is an orphaned street urchin on the mean streets of cyberpunk L.A. And when it's cyberpunk L.A. you know what that means! It's perpetually night, it's torrentially raining, and people are warming their hands on fire barrels to counteract Southern California's famously cold climate. We can assume some kind of nuclear winter has set in, but it's never mentioned. Peter and his cadre of Burger King Kids Club members (including a dog) live in an abandoned subway tunnel and hack into cyberspace using stolen phone cards. That's where he recognizes Jobe (Matt Frewer) despite his dying in the last movie and being recast in this one as a completely diffe

Your Stupid Minds jumps right on the zeitgeist to cover possibly one of the worst movies of 2025. Released just a week ago on Amazon Prime Video, War of the Worlds (2025) asks the question "have you ever wanted to see the classic H.G. Wells story adapted into a 90 minute Microsoft Teams meeting?" And the answer from the public is a resounding "NO!" We should also note this movie was shot in 2020 using COVID protocols, and it shows. William Radford (Ice Cube) is NSA's only employee. When he isn't using government resources to spy on his daughter Faith's (Iman Benson) fridge, or uninstalling Counter-Strike from his son David's (Henry Hunter Hall) Steam account, he's trying to catch a hacker known as "Disruptor." He thinks he's pinpointed his location by copy/pasting his IP out of his YouTube video's source code (lol) and a task force comes to a building to take him down. Of course, if you've seen the title of this movie, you know none of this matters, because aliens invade and blow up a bunch of landmarks with

Your Stupid Minds continues its loose Canada series with a film that's been regarded as the Canadian equivalent of The Room. It's the aimless Tarantino-esque sex (?) comedy (?) Ryan's Babe (2000)! Ryan (Bill LeVasseur) is a Saskatchewan college student who's so easyGOING. He's held captive by an armed woman emerging from the woods, which gives him an opportunity to tell his entire life's story up to that point through a flashback embedded with yet another flashback. His neighbor Connie (Alix Hayden) has been obsessed with him since childhood. After numerous fruitless attempts to solidify their love, she fakes a suicide attempt, which throws her father Bill (Peter Cooy) into a drunken homicidal rage toward Ryan for doing... something. Leading her on? I guess? Which he didn't even do? Since Saskatoon appears to be devoid of any police presence, Ryan chooses to flee the town rather than have Bill brought up on attempted murder charges. Without going into insane detail about every single thing that happens to the

Your Stupid Minds comes at you with our first foray into the filmography of Canadian auteur Frank D'Angelo. Off the heels of his infamous Sicilian Vampire, Frank brings back his menagerie of geriatric Hollywood stars to investigate the kidnapping of the American ambassador's daughter in The Red Maple Leaf (2016). The synopsis will be difficult since we suspect Frank locked in his cast before finishing the script, so there are big names with absolutely nothing to do whose scenes could have been excised entirely and it would have made the movie more coherent. Special Agent Alfonso Palermo (D'Angelo) is the best detective in Canada. His wife (Mira Sorvino) and daughter (Addison Holley) are killed in a car accident that leaves him miraculously without so much as a bruise. He mourns their loss through binge drinking and working really hard (because he’s so good at his job). When the U.S. Ambassador to Canada's (Michael Paré) daughter is kidnapped, Al is sent in to investigate. He immediately starts antagonizing th

My god... this time around Your Stupid Minds covers the legacy sequel of 1996's biggest film. It's Independence Day: Resurgence, which was most definitely not 2016's biggest film. Starring Liam Hemsworth, Jeff Goldblum, Bill Pullman, Maika Monroe, and 3,800 other people (but not Mae Whitman). We really have our work cut out for us when describing this plot. It's 20 years after the events of the last film. Earth has commandeered the alien technology and created a Federation-like utopia centered around how cool it was when we kicked those aliens' asses. President Lanford (Sela Ward) is on the verge of the event's anniversary celebration when our laser moon base spots an alien sphere approaching the planet. They immediately blast it and go to pick up the remains. Meanwhile, as is custom for a Roland Emmerich/Dean Devlin joint, there are more groups. There are the hotshot spaceship fighter pilots of Jake (Hemsworth), Dylan (Jessie T. Usher), the step-son of Will Smith's Steve Hiller in the first film, who is dead

This time around we’re joined by Vincent Goodwin from Some of My Friends Read Comics to discuss a serviceable sports comedy that just happens to have Mike Myers traipsing around in every frame doing a horrible Indian accent. It’s 2008’s The Love Guru! Guru Pitka (Mike Myers) is a white guy who grew up in India. Guided by the Guru Tugginmypudha (Ben Kingsley) he moves to LA to become a guru to the stars. His idol and rival Deepak Chopra (playing himself) is the top guru in the world, so Pitka is determined to get on Oprah and overtake him. In order to do this, he will need to have Toronto Maple Leafs star player Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco) reconcile with his wife Prudence (Meagan Good). Due to crippling insecurity, Darren broke up with her and his performance is suffering on the ice. This comes at the most inopportune time: a credible Stanley Cup run by the Leafs (the most fantastic and unrealistic aspect of this movie). Pitka uses all of his silly little aphorisms, acronyms, and mantras to get Prudence to l

Another episode, another low-budget Corman special shot in Southern California. It's 1997's (or 1999's? Unclear) Born Bad! After a daring daylight convenience store heist where the born bad kids steal eight beers and $3.28 worth of snacks, Evan (Patrick Renna) targets the born bad kids for their biggest score yet: the local savings and loan! His step-dad is the president of the bank, who tries to impress his new son by flashing around bank blueprints and safe codes during dinner. They use this insider knowledge to... sneak into the bank at night? No. They just bust in with Point Break masks and rob the joint in the middle of the day. But the blueprints give them an important edge: they know the safe is the big metal room in the back. The crew includes leader/hothead Craig (Ryan Francis), even bigger hothead Bullet (Michael D. Weatherred), burnout moron Marco (Corey Feldman), girl Laura (Heidi Lenhart), and normal guy Brian (Justin Walker). Brian was recently accepted to Bard, and his parents are unable and un

We continue through Chris's second hand DVD collection with another film that, unbelievably, also has no direct involvement with Roger Corman. It's 1999's The Prince and the Surfer, which barely involves any surfing at all. Cash Canty (Sean Kellman) is a, and I cannot stress this enough, SKATEBOARD (not surfer) kid who spends his days as Southern California teenagers in films like this typically do: hanging out by the half pipe, saying "whatever" to his friends, not going to school. But after breaking into a swanky hotel, he finds a young prince of the made up country of Gelfland is his exact double! To adhere to the Twain plot, they switch places and then do... stuff. Prince Edward (also Kellman) hangs out with Cash's friends, including the pigtailed Mel (Linda Cardellini). Meanwhile Cash goes about seducing Edward's betrothed Galina (Katie Johnson). But the queen's evil vizier Kratski (Robert Englund) has ulterior motives for the visit to the United States. He wants to sell Gelfland to a mini-golf empire an