Save The Marriage Podcast | How To Save Your Marriage | How To Stop Your Divorce

Have you ever been sucked into a situation or argument, then realized your actions were not what you wanted? There is that split second, that pause, where you get to choose your response. Many people miss that split second, telling themselves, "I had no choice.  I was just reacting." But deep down, we know that is not the case.  We have a choice on how to respond.  If you miss that choice, you will regret the reaction. How do you choose? Let's talk about that in this week's podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Be On The Same Team Argument Fails Your Fail Points The Save The Marriage System

“It’s your choice,” I reassured her.  It was a call I picked up between sessions.  The person told me she had been following my System, but wasn’t sure if she could keep it up.  She wasn’t sure if it mattered, so she was thinking about quitting.  She wanted to know what I thought…. I didn’t need to convince her either way.  It really was her choice.  Should she walk away or should she keep working on it?  Only she could answer. My concern was what seemed to be fueling her decision.  She was discouraged. (Which is an interesting word, denoting she had lost courage… and she was coming to me to be encouraged — to gain courage — to act one way or the other.) To be fair, the process of saving your marriage is emotional, heart-wrenching, painful, frustrating, and exhausting… before it turns the corner.  Is it worth it? That was her choice.  The Choice.  To work on it or to walk away. Maybe it is all just getting to people this week… winter keeps on coming, crises seem to be everywhere, politics is unavoidable…

I wish this only happened every now and then. Imagine, for a second, that someone is working on saving their marriage.  In this case, they have chosen  to use my System.  And they are making progress! (Yay!) Then... they decide to do something else... add something on... try to "spice up" their approach.  And suddenly, their efforts fall apart. The other day, I was talking with someone who falls into this approach.  Making great progress using my material.  Then losing all progress when they added on some more "save your marriage" stuff they found on the internet. "I guess your approach doesn't work," this person said.  I pointed out that my approach was, in fact, working... until they stopped using it and went with pretty much the exact opposite of what I recommend. No surprise, but their spouse was confused.  And this person said, "I don't get it!  It was supposed to save my marriage!" I asked, "Did you 'look under the hood' to see what was behind that approach?  Did you wonder if it is compatible wit

One more argument.  One more struggle.  They sat on my couch, facing each other down as opponents in some contest to... win... well, to be honest, I don't know what they were trying to win.  Because they were not winning at marriage! I stopped them, looked at them and said, "You do know you are on the same team..." and they stared blankly at me, so I continued, "... right??" They certainly were not working like a team.  They were acting like enemies, in competition with each other.  They were struggling to win.  But either one "winning" would be a "lose" for the marriage. Too many people miss this one essential -- crucial -- fact about marriage... you both are on the same team.  You are working toward a common goal (or should be).  The task is not winning as an individual, but as a team, as a couple, as a family. This is the fundamental point of being what I call a "WE."  WE are in this together; WE stand side-by-side; WE have each other's back; WE are a team!  Same side, same direction (or should be). L

Fears. They can certainly derail us humans! But what about relationship fears?  Just those basic fears and insecurities that we all carry with us in relationships? Yep, we all have them.  2 basic fears.  And those 2 fears?  They pull against each other.  One can trigger the other in couples.  We all have both, but tend to have a tendency to one fear or the other.  And when that fear is triggered, it often triggers the opposite fear in a spouse. Which, by the way, increases the fear in the other. Those two fears? Fear of Intimacy Fear of Abandonment Let's talk about what those fears are about, why we have them, what triggers them, and why it becomes such an issue in marriage. RELATED RESOURCES Fears That Get In Your Way Importance of Connection 3 Simple Step Book Save The Marriage System

Games should be fun.  But the games we are talking about today are NOT fun. These are patterns of interaction and communication. The design is to get a need met.  But behind it is a dysfunction.  It may be a lack of clarity in what someone wants or expects.  It may be an unwillingness to say what a person wants or needs.  It may be a false expectation of how things should be.  But somewhere is a false belief. And that false belief -- along with the effort to fulfill that belief -- is what leads to the (destructive) game. Are you playing one of these games? RELATED RESOURCES You Need To Show UP! Connection Matters Save The Marriage System  

Is your marriage crisis marked by heated arguments or cold distance?  Hot or cold? Are they really that different?  Or is it all a part of the same process?  And how does it affect your attempts to save your marriage? During back-to-back coaching sessions with two couples, I had a case of each.  In the first, both were practically red-faced with anger, talking over each other and refusing to listen. In the second session, the couple were cold and distant, refusing to engage with each other, routing all discussions through me.  Both refused to listen to the other. The underlying issues were the same.  The emotional temperature was different.  Each couple had set their “emotional thermostat” to a different level.  And neither couple seemed interested in changing the setting. What is the difference between the heat and the cold?  How does it affect your efforts to save your marriage?  Is it possible that both the heat and the cold are actually pointing toward the same process?  The same path? We explore th

Maybe your spouse has been saying, "This is ALL YOUR FAULT!"  Or maybe it is just you... wondering... torturing yourself... about whether this marriage crisis is your fault.  Are you the problem? Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that.  People search about that on my blog.  People write me to ask that same question.  Many people start our coaching sessions with the same question. So, what is the truth? Are you the problem?  Did you cause the problem?  Does that even help the problem? Many times, people like to look at one single point-in-time... frequently, a point that leaves them as NOT at fault.  They look for a time when they can accuse someone else, blame someone else, for the situation. And rarely is that accurate, or even fair. Still, we all like to point the blame elsewhere. Let's talk about this from a couple of perspectives.  One is kind of a higher level perspective, to question the concept of blame.  The other is a much more practical "what do I do?" perspective

Miranda asked me, “What do I do?  My spouse is hopeless that we can save our marriage. I’m losing hope, too." A while back, I did a training for members of my VIP Program, noting three barriers in the way of a spouse working on the marriage… along with how to respond.  One of those barriers is hopelessness. But if a spouse is hopeless… how can you hold onto hope? There is an equation of hope:  hope = goal + pathways to goal + action to get there. If you noticed from the equation, a spouse (you) can choose hope, even when a spouse is hopeless.  Especially if you recognize that the hopeless spouse cannot see that goal… cannot see a way forward (a path)… and therefore, can’t see a way to take action. There are traps at each of those three elements of hope… and if one is not present, it isn’t really hope.  So, let’s talk about how to grab each element, keep it in place, and keep moving forward. Listen to the episode below. RELATED RESOURCES Book, Beyond the 3 Barriers — Covers hopelessness! Save The Marria

When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy.  When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday. And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season!  It cuts across nations and beliefs.  The season is here. A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd." What a loss!  She would be losing out!  No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays.  No chance at connection, re-connection, and healing. Her real desire was to avoid pain.  But her solution did more than avoiding pain.  It avoided life, and all it offered. My suggestion:  deal with the heavy Holidays in a way that brings depth, connection, and healing, by engaging in the holiday. I have 5 suggestions on dealing with Holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis. Listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES Gratitude and Marriage How Gratitude Can Transform Your Marriage Ghosts of M

"In our very first session, our therapist told me that we were divorcing and I need to accept it," Claire wrote. I invited people to submit questions. And Claire did. (You can, too, by EMAILING HERE.) Here is what happened:  Claire wanted to save her marriage.  Her husband thought it was over.  Claire convinced him to go to therapy.  But then, near the end of the first session (and as it turns out, the only session), the therapist turned to Claire and announced that the marriage was over and she needed to accept it. Claire was shocked.  No efforts to work on the relationship. No discussion on what might be possible.  Just a declaration that the marriage was over... not from her husband, but from the therapist! I only wish this was the first time to have heard pretty much the same story... but I have heard it over and over.  Does a therapist have a right to announce that divorce is inevitable? Should a therapist work on the relationship first? Let's talk about 3 dangers that come up for therapy... and wha

I know.  It's tempting.  Your marriage is having troubles and you want to talk about it.  Maybe your friends would be good to tell.  Or maybe your family can listen.  Or perhaps you should contact your in-laws to "talk some sense" into your spouse. Don't.  Stop.  Think again before you share. Those words that feel so good right now may come back to haunt you can cause other problems when things turn around. You may be thinking that you will only be telling to get support and love.  And you might get support.  But that support likely includes siding with you.  And if someone sides with you, they will likely side against your spouse. When you talk to someone about a problem with someone else, you create a "triangle," to use a term from communication experts.  And that triangle may feel good and feel more stable.  But it complicates the original conflict and issues. And that often serves to further undermine the relationship... along with the chances for recovery. Does that mean that you can't get help and

You want to save your marriage. Right? That is why you are here, right?  So, what might get in your way?  How might you fail in your efforts? Let me be clear:  in this podcast episode, I discuss 3 ways YOU may fail at your efforts.  This isn't about why your efforts will fail, because of a spouse... or family... or an affair... or anything outside of, well, you. Which is why this episode is so important for you.  The 3 ways you may fail, they are all about choices and decisions you can make.  You have control. But first, you need to know about these 3 ways you may fail.  I'll tell you what they are, and how to make sure you don't fall into the fail traps they create. Listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES: 3 Failpoints of Saving A Marriage Marriage Failpoint Book 3 Reasons Your Efforts Might Fail Save The Marriage System

I had nearly back-to-back discussions with people about coaching and therapy. One wanted to know if I could see them and their spouse. The other wanted to know if they could go to marital therapy alone. You may already know that I have concerns with marital therapy (yes, I am trained as a therapist).  But there are times when marital therapy (given the right circumstances) can be helpful. But can you do it alone? Early in my career (I was still finishing my Ph.D., but was already providing therapy), I realized that my approach was more of a coaching approach.  So, immediately after my dissertation was finished, I started a multi-year coach training program.  And since then, I have offered coaching services to people who want to thrive, whether in life or in a marriage. Many times, that means I am speaking with one person.  So, can you do coaching together?  With your spouse? Well, since I had those questions so close together, I decided I could answer it for more people in an episode of my podcast.  So,

Is your marriage infected by the "zombie virus?"  Do you find your relationship to be the "walking dead?"  Are emotions lost and connections missing?  Do you and your spouse respond to each other with "zombie grunts?" The infection can be stopped.  You can fight the infection and heal the relationship. Don't allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection to overtake your relationship's immune system.  Fight back and restore your relationship to the living and the healthy. Okay, to be fair, this is a “tip o’ the hat” to Halloween… but still an important subject! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Pause Button Marriages Dangers of Disconnection "Can This Marriage Be Saved?” The Save The Marriage System

It can be an emotional storm in the middle of a marriage crisis.  Sometimes, it seems that every little thing blows up into big things... almost without control. A marriage crisis is one of the bigger life stressors.  If you are dealing with that, you are already emotionally "tapped out."  Which means it might not take much for you to boil over... And undo any progress you have been making. I have frequently been told that "I just can't control my emotions."  And in reality, the challenge is not controlling, but managing, your emotions. In this podcast episode, I outline 5 ways for you to manage your emotions in the midst of a marriage crisis. Is it hard?  It can be a challenge.  But it is do-able. You can do it!  Let's talk about how! (Listen Below!) RELATED RESOURCES Getting Perspective You Need A Plan Take Care of Yourself Get Some Support Don't Read Tea Leaves The Save The Marriage System

She started the conversation by telling how she was confused… her spouse had confused her.  He said he didn’t feel safe enough to share his emotions, didn’t feel safe enough to move back into their bedroom, didn’t feel safe enough to talk through their issues.  She told me, “I have never hurt him or threatened to hurt him.  How can he feel unsafe?" Safety (and feeling safe) is an interesting thing.  There doesn’t actually have to be a real threat in order to feel unsafe.  Our brains are always looking for a sense of threat — and it takes very little to trigger the feeling of threat.  A look, a tone… a small hint can be perceived as a real threat. We don’t risk connecting when we feel threatened.  Connecting requires vulnerability.  And vulnerability requires a sense of safety. Again, that is not necessarily tied to reality of threat.  So, do you (and your spouse) create spaces of safety?  Do you internally communicate safety in your relationship? Learn why this is so important and how to do it in the Save

When a marriage crisis hits, people kick into gear!  They dig in and work on their relationship. Many times, they start to see results.  Things are turning for the better.  The relationship is warming.  Things aren't quite so hostile. But then.... They get derailed.  Thrown off-course.  Lost in the crisis. Not surprisingly, any gains made are quickly lost.  Things become even more tense and fractured. Why did they get derailed?  Four reasons:  Distracted, Distanced, Doubtful, and Discouraged. I go into each of these... as well as how to avoid falling into the trap and getting derailed... in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast.  You can listen below. RELATED RESOURCES You Need A Plan Can Your Marriage Be Saved? When Is It Too Late? Your Fail Points Book:  The Marriage Fail Point Save The Marriage System

Is it actually possible for people to change?? For you to change?? For your marriage to change? That question has been asked for millenia.  It is a question of theology, philosophy, and psychology. And yet, sometimes, it seems like there is no real answer. As a student of all three arenas, and as a therapist/coach, I have thought long and hard about this question. Sometimes, people ask me this question, about themselves, about their spouse, or about their relationship. Short answer, "Yes, you and your marriage can change. But will you??" Let's talk about the possibility of change, the potential for it, and how to move toward it.  That is what we cover in this week's episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. RELATED RESOURCES: Why Your Spouse Doesn't See Your Changes What To Do When A Spouse Says, "You'll Never Change!" Save The Marriage System

What do you do if your spouse decides they need to work on themselves... and then they may (or may not) be willing to work on the marriage?  What do you do if your spouse just refuses to work on your marriage? That is the question of the week, asked by Sam.  He said his wife wants to better herself.  Then, maybe she would address the marriage. As part of my series, answering your questions, I want to address this one.  Because it might just be YOUR question, too!  (If not, you can SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION HERE.) Many times, when a marriage is in trouble, a spouse (or maybe you) just won't address the relationship issues, insisting they (or you) need to work on themselves (or yourself) before looking at the marriage. The binary question:  "work on me or work on WE?" stands out.  But does it have to be so binary.  Is it really one or the other?  Or is there another way to approach this? If you try to force a spouse to work on the relationship, that won't work... and might make things better.  So, what CAN you