On Boys Podcast

HOMEWORK can bring out the worst in us...and our kids. We wonder if we should force them to do it (again) or if we can just stop having them do it all together because the conflict is too great. Is it really important?  How do you manage - and help your son manage? In this re-broadcast of Episode 101, you'll find information and courage to choose the homework path that is right for your family. Photo by Lars Plougmann via Flickr Few things cause boys (and their families) as much stress as HOMEWORK. In many cases, homework battles turn into outright power struggles -- with no winners. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Why boys struggle with homework The impact of homework on boys' academic achievement What to do about "meaningless" homework How a "too cool for school" attitude can interfere with learning Why arguing about homework might not be the best use of your time and energy Links we mentioned (and more!) in Episode 101 How to Get Boys to Do Homework, Part 1 B

One of our jobs, as parents and educators of boys, is to help them learn how to deal with tough emotions -- including grief. As much as we want to, we can't protect our boys from hurt. Loved ones die. Parents divorce Friends move. Boys fail to achieve important goals, and experience rejection from peers. Grief hurts. It comes and goes. Or it just stays and never seems to go away... Everyone handles grief differently. Boys tend to handle grief MUCH differently - we may be surprised AND concerned when we don't see our boys cry after a major loss. . Tom Golden, a therapist has worked with hundreds of boys and their families, has some great tips for helping boys him navigate grief. Speaking of grief: Janet is taking some time as she has just helped her dad wind down his life (only weeks after an epic trip to England). He died with a dream realized and we are celebrating that! In this episode, Jen & Tom discuss: What cross-cultural research tells us about how males & females grieve How

Jo LangfordSex educator & author The standard "birds and bees" sex talk doesn't work any more. (If it ever really did!) Today, parents have to address pornography, homosexuality, gender and consent. If you feel nervous tackling those topics, don't worry. You're not alone. Sex educator and therapist Jo Langford routinely helps parents navigate these tricky conversations. Langford is the author of Spare Me the Talk!: A Guy's Guide to Sex, Relationships and Growing Up and The Pride Guide: The Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth, the first book about sex and sexuality written specifically for LGBTQ tweens and teens. Langford is also the father of a teenage boy and tween girl. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jo discuss: How to support 21st century kids, even if you don't yet know what cisgender means Inclusive language - & why it's important (Hint: when you start talking about sex, you probably won't know if your child is gay, straight or trans,

  "My son just turned 14 & his girlfriend is 13, and he doesn't understand why I won't leave them alone in my house. Am I being over protective of BOTH of them? I feel a duty of care to his girlfriend. I know how easily things can turn from innocent to not-so-innocent. They are both physically mature. Help!" -- Kathleen   Photo by Robyn Gallant via Flickr Helping boys (and girls) navigate the ins-and-outs of relationships isn't easy. It's also one of our most important jobs. The groundwork and guidelines we establish will set the tone for our kids' behavior and relationship expectations for years to come. It's not enough to simply say, "Stay safe." And it's not practical (or even advisable) to say, "No dating!" Somehow, we need to give our children room to explore and experiment with emotional and physical intimacy, while also teaching them respect and boundaries. While dealing with teenagers. Who are sure they know everything. Not easy. We're h

Photo via PixaBay A listener asked us, "How do you gently encourage/educate your boy's teacher on what boys need and how to help them, rather than shame them, when they have gone into anger?" The short answer: It ain't easy, but it's so, so worth it! Many teachers know very little about the specific developmental trajectory and needs of boys; teacher training often does not include a course that delves into gender-related differences in learning and communication. Some teachers naturally "get" boys; others are easily overwhelmed by boys' energy. Most teachers, however, sincerely want to help children. They're eager to learn, and usually quite open to partnering with students' parents. After all, parents have had years to figure out their child's trigger points and preferred calming strategies; teachers only get a few months. Also: the research has consistently shown that what's good for boys is good for learning. Increasing recess time actually improves st

Photo by Brent Gambrell via Flickr   1 in 2 children will develop a mood or behavioral disorder or substance addiction by age 18.  We parents like to think that if we "do everything right," our kids will be mentally and physically healthy with nary a care in the world. But that's not the case. The truth is that mental health challenges, including depression and anxiety, affect people of all ages from every segment of society -- including Jen, who was diagnosed with double depression in her mid-30s. Sadly, boys & men are far less likely to seek help for a mental health condition than girls and women. Fear of looking "weak" or "unmanly" causes many guys to bottle up their feelings, with potentially disastrous results. (In 2016, white males accounted for 7 of 10 suicides in the United States.) Anxiety and depression, the two most common mental health disorders, are highly treatable, but too many children and families suffer alone. Only about 40% of children and teens with anx

Photo by ThoseGuys 199 via Flickr It's back to school time!  But despite the smiley faces pictured in many back-to-school ads, the start of a new academic year doesn't exactly generate feelings of enthusiasm and excitement in many boys (or their parents). For many families, back-to-school time is synonymous with dread, fear and anxiety. In fact, the number of boys who don't like school has increased over the past generation. In 1980, 14% of boys said they didn't like school. By 2001, 24% of boys -- nearly one-quarter -- said they disliked school. Today, the number is likely even higher. We get it: school isn't always a boy-friendly place. Boys who have experienced failure and shame in school aren't likely to suddenly develop an optimistic attitude toward school. That's where you come in. There's a lot parents and teachers can do to preserve boys' love of learning, and set them up for a successful school year, including introducing them to new rules and teachers well

  If your kids always do what they're told, consistently treat others with kindness and never over-react to unintended slights, you can skip this episode. If not -- WELCOME! Your child is 100% normal, and you're going to love this conversation with Jen, Janet and Katherine Reynolds Lewis, author of The Good News About Bad Behavior. In her book, Lewis writes: If you look around and see misbehaving, undisciplined children everywhere, it's not just imagination. Children today are fundamentally different from past generations. They truly have less self-control. Simply put, we face a crisis of self-regulation. Lewis's observations of her own children, and comments from other parents, led her on a six-year exploration of behavior, parenting and neurobiology -- and points the way toward parenting techniques we can begin adapting right now to improve our children's behavior. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Katherine discuss: The dramatic increase in mental health problems in today's yo

photo by J.K. Califf via Flickr The word co-parenting is typically associated with divorce, but maybe it's time to change that association. After all, the term refers to shared responsibility for parenting. In the world of divorce, it means that both parents share responsibility for big decisions (like healthcare and education), and both parents share the mundane, day-to-day responsibilities of parenting, like feeding the children and getting them to and from activities. Shared parenting is another term that's often used interchangeably with co-parenting, and we think all parents -- married, divorced, or single -- would do well to think of parenting as a cooperative venture. As divorced parents, we know that co-parenting often means coming to terms with the fact that you cannot control how your ex parents. After divorce, it is impossible for one parent to dictate what the children eat or when they go to bed. Often, the parents will arrive at a general consensus, but each is free to parent as he or

Photo by Anna Mayer via Flickr If you have more than one child, you have sibling stress. Bickering! Fighting! Maybe even bullying. Seeing -- and hearing -- our children torment each other is major source of stress and family conflict. We wonder, Have I failed? Are my children doomed to become jerks? Will they EVER get along? Should I intervene? Or let them work it out on their own?  Jen and Janet are here to tell you that sibling stress is NORMAL. Your kids' arguing and bickering does not mean that they hate one another -- though it can certainly seem that way in the moment. But the reality is that sibling fights help children discover and learn limits, empathy and social behavior. Between brothers, fights can even promote bonding. You don't have to stand idly by, though, while your children scream, shout and throw things at one another. If someone is in immediate emotional or physical danger, intervene ASAP. And during periods of calm, there's a lot you can do to encourage healthy sibling

The shower at Jen's house Have a boy who hates to shower? You are not alone! When a mom recently asked the Building Boys Facebook group, "Anyone else have a teenage boy who hates to shower?" she was quickly inundated with support and sympathy. Personal hygiene, it seems, is not a priority for most tween and teen boys. Lots of moms said they're dealing with the exact same issue. Others said that their boys spend a lot of time in the shower, but come out with unwashed, still-dirty hair. Is this lack of interest in appearance and, um, smell, merely a stage that will resolve without intervention? Or should parents and teachers take a more active role in teaching and reinforcing hygiene habits? Turns out, the best approach is actually a combination of those two strategies. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: WHY some boys seems oblivious to their own stench The essential role of 5th grade teachers in the hygiene battle How colored liquid soap can help boys shower effectively

Kids want the skill set to empower them to make the right choices. -- Mike Domitrz, founder of The Date Safe Project & father of 4 boys Talking to boys about consent is a must. It's also incredibly challenging and a bit intimidating. Let's face it: if adults were consistently good at consent, there wouldn't be a constant slew of headlines alleging sexual assault and misconduct. The good news about the #MeToo movement is that it's moved the issue of consent into the national conversation. Increasingly, parents and educators are realizing that talking about the mechanics of sex is not enough; we have to talk about the messy realities of relationships. We need to teach our children how to treat others with respect, and how to set and maintain boundaries. We need to equip them with the skills to navigate a culture that's rife with stereotypes and sexual imagery. Mike Domitrz has been working in this space for years. As the founder The Date Safe Project, Mike regularly talks to school chi

Sam Fink, age 12 Boys can learn a lot by starting and running a business. Jen's youngest son, Sam, bought his older brother's lawn business two years ago, when the older brother moved to Tennessee (where he has since started another lawn care service). At age 12, Sam has a roster of 18 clients. He cuts and trims lawns and performs most of the necessary maintenance on his machines. In this very special episode, Sam shares the story of his business, as well as some tips for would-be entrepreneurs and their parents. This episode is a great one to share with your boys! In this episode, Jen, Janet & Sam discuss: The value of paid employment How parents can encourage and support boys who are interested in starting a business How to manage risk The entrepreneurial mindset Money management Balancing school, work, and sports Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 118: Sam's Lawn Service on Instagram Episode 117: Summer Jobs Episode 116: Why Risk is Important for Boys  Our

Photo by Austin Kirk via Flickr Does your son have a summer job? Most boys don't. In 1978, 60% of teens had summer jobs; today, that number hovers between 35 and 40%. Boys today are more likely to spend their days playing sports, brushing up on academics and traveling with family or as part of mission teams. (And playing Fortnite.) Years ago, getting a job was an expected rite of passage for teens. In today's hyper-competitive world, more and more parents focus time, attention and energy on "enrichment" activities designed to help children become attractive college applicants. But summer jobs are a great way to help boys confront RISK and develop RESPONSIBILITY, RESPECT and REVENUE. Thanks to a tight labor market in many parts of the country, there are still plenty of jobs available for teens and tweens. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss how to support your son's entry into the world of work. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Their first jobs The unique benefits

How comfortable are you with risk? Do you respond with fear or encouragement when your son wants to try something new? How about when you find him climbing atop your tree house? Or doing flips off a public staircase? Adults' desire to keep boys safe often interferes with boys' ability to take chances and try new things. But "protecting" boys from risky activity can actually cause harm. Boys (and girls) need to try scary, challenging things that are just beyond their current skill set in order to grow and thrive. When we eliminate risk from our children's lives, we hamper their emotional and physical development. It's not easy to confront our own fears and societal pressure in order to give our boys ample opportunities to experiment and explore. But that's exactly what our boys need. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Why boys need risk Societal challenges that make it harder than ever for boys to find & face risk Boys' ability to manage risk How risk fuels

Your son is not the only one struggling. According to Dr. Warren Farrell -- and a slew of research -- boys in 63 of the largest developed nations are faring worse than girls. They're doing worse academically. They're falling behind in the workplace. And their physical and mental health is failing as well. In his new book, The Boy Crisis: Why Our Boys Are Struggling and What We Can Do About It, Farrell (and his co-author, John Gray) examine the many factors contributing to the boy crisis. They also point toward possible solutions. Solving the boy crisis will take a lot of effort on the part of parents, teachers and politicians, but it's a cause that's well worth our attention, because when our boys suffer, society suffers. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Warren discuss: How (and why) father absence hurts boys & society How moms (married or single) can encourage & support father involvement Why so many boys suffer a "purpose void" The importance of postponed gratifi

Photo by Matthew Ingram via Flickr 'Tis the season for sleepaway camp and summer sleepovers! For some parents and kids, though, the prospect of a night away from home is scary. There are so many ‘what-if’s' that could happen: what if they’re cold? what if they get homesick? what if...what if...what if... But what if you let your kid go anyway? What if you work together to tackle any fear and uncertainty, and give your son the opportunity to test his skills and stamina? Time away from home is an opportunity for boys to: Discover new parts of themselves Build their resilience & self-esteem Be in charge of their own growth Learn how to struggle, suffer and navigate feelings of boredom Connect and collaborate with others Sleepovers and sleepaway camp are a great opportunity for parental growth and development too. When you send your son away (temporarily!), you learn to.. Let go. Trust your kids Allow other adults to mentor and influence your child. Still nervous? Listen to th

Welcome to Part 2 of our first Listener Q & A! This week, Jen & Janet tackle 3 more questions: "What strategies do you use to deal with a sudden increase in lying in pre-teen boys?" "What's the best way to allow young boys to be adventurous/risky physically while maintaining a clear, safe boundary and being a responsible parent?" "How do you talk about the needs of boys and the help they need without sounding dismissive of girls or anti-feminist? For example, as the mother of a boy, I'm not entirely sure I agree with making scouting gender-neutral. I think boys benefit from boys-only time. But how do I make that point without sounding sexist or anti-progressive?" Have we mentioned that you ask GREAT questions? In this episode, Jen & Janet dig in and discuss: Why tweens are likely to lie (Hint: the tween -- & teen -- years are all about separating from your parents). How your response to your son's lies will influence his future behavior (Not-s

When we put out a call for listener questions, you sent us some doozies! In this, our first-ever Listener Q & A (Part 1), we tackle three of your questions: "I just finished listening to the podcast episode with Amy Lang. I know she says we should begin talking to boys about bodies at 5 but wonder if this still applies to boys who are always using potty words and have horrible filters? My son unfortunately goes to school and talks to his friends about poop and butts." "At what age is 'experimenting' with vaping developmentally acceptable and when is it a red flag?" "When do you need to back the school and their approach and when do you challenge it?" We also laugh A LOT. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Potty talk (young boys LOVE talking about poop & butts & pee) Fecal transplants (trust us: it was related to the topic at hand!) Vaping  -- and what to do if you discover your son has been experimenting School conflicts -- when to back the

Photo by ASDA NRCS Montana According to the Oxford Living Dictionaries, self-esteem is "confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect." That's something we want for our kids. We're not talking about participation trophies simply for showing up; we're talking about a true sense of pride that comes for knowledge of your capabilities. Nurturing that kind of self-confidence is a crucial part of helping boys grow into healthy men. But how do we do that? It's not as hard as we adults often think. In this episode, Jen shares some "little things" that actually turned out to be big things, including her youngest son's base-crawling adventure at a local 4th of July celebration, and her oldest son's dandelion sale, which sparked a lifelong interest in entrepreneurism. The key, Janet says, is to start early, and give boys multiple opportunities to contribute in a meaningful manner. And boys give us plenty of clues as to how we can help them. As the proverb says, &