On Boys Podcast

How can we support our boys’ well-being during a youth mental health crisis? How can we help them navigate life in this digital age?Katey McPherson has been working on these issues for years. Since we last talked in 2019, she and others have helped the state of Arizona pass a bundle of laws intended to decrease youth suicide. She’s also helped countless schools, communities, and families learn how they can support youth mental health in the current digital age.In this episode, Janet & Katey discuss:How to keep kids safe (safer?) when using school-issued computers & other digital devicesTargeting of kids on social media and online gaming platformsKids’ online relationshipsTech tools to help you monitor your kids’ online activitiesSchool shootings (and how we can prevent them)Talking to kids about suicidal thoughtsIncreasing the likelihood that your child will talk to you about tough thingsSupporting youth mental healthTakeaways:We are facing significant challenges affecting our youth’s mental health.Le

Do you know what the “man box” is?Your boys do, whether they know the term or not. The “man box” is the set of expectations, perceptions, and behaviors that are considered “manly” in our society.In this episode, Jen, Janet, and Ted Bunch, Chief Development Officer of A Call to Men, explore the complexities boys face in a world that still clings to outdated ideas about masculinity. Ted shares his perspective on how we can empower boys to live authentically, develop respectful relationships, and move beyond the limitations of the “Man Box,” which often keep boys from becoming their true selves.Ted BunchTogether, they discuss ways parents and caregivers can help boys embrace their emotions, communicate openly, and understand the importance of consent. Ted also addresses tough topics, including the impact of pornography, the cultural confusion surrounding sexual consent, and how societal expectations can distort boys’ perceptions of masculinity. Through honest, practical conversations, this episode gives listener

Puberty, perimenopause, and neurodivergence affects brains and bodies.And in two or more of those things are going on in our household at the same time…well, things can get particularly challenging, says Amy Lang, founder of Birds & Bees & Kids.Amy & Janet discuss it all in this ON BOYS episodeLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:The 3 Key Things Your Neurodivergent Boy Needs to Know about Sex (and 3 Things You Need to Know) Peri-menopause & Puberty: The Match Made in Heck – Get tickets hereTue Nov 19, 2024 7:00 PM – 8:00 PM PSTBirds & Bees & Kids — Amy’s websiteResources recommended by Amy:You Know, Sex: Bodies, Gender, Puberty, And Other ThingsSex Talks With Tweens: What To Say & How To Say ItAmaze.org/usBARK (inside US)Qustodio (monitoring outside US)Sex Ed for Neurodiverse Kids  – ON BOYS episode w Amy LangKeeping Boys Safe Online (w Amy Lang) — ON BOYS episodeTalk to Boys About Sex (w Amy Lang) — ON BOYS episodePuberty, Perimenopause, & Midlife Parenting — O

Raising boys isn’t easy. Living isn’t easy! But with patience, trust, and community support, it’s easier — & more pleasant.In this wide-ranging conversation, Janet Allison & Jennifer L.W. Fink , the hosts of ON BOYS podcast, discuss the reality of raising boys in 2024.Takeaways:Nobody has it all figured out.Letting there be room for not knowing is crucial.Learning to tolerate discomfort is part of the process.Trusting the unfolding of our children’s development is essential.You are a different parent than you were a year ago.Boy development is trustworthy and unique to each child.Watch your boys, not the clock; focus on their growth.Look at your kid, not the milestones set by society.Parenting is the greatest personal development course.Let go and let us be your safety net.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Dealing with Change, Anxiety, & Energy (Listener Q & A) — ON BOYS episodeTrust — BuildingBoys blog postTrust Your Boys — BuildingBoys blog postBreakthrough Session for Fami

Boys need support, not disdainIn June 2024, Andrew Reiner, author of Better Boys, Better Men: The New Masculinity That Creates Greater Courage and Emotional Resiliency, published an article entitled “Our culture’s trashing of boys & men is having toxic consequences.”In this episode, he and Jen discuss what boys need & we can best support boys.Takeaways:Boys need support, not disdain.Cultural perceptions of masculinity can be harmful.Media often portrays boys negatively.Boys are falling behind in education.It’s important to understand boys’ emotional needs.Parents and educators play a crucial role.Challenging traditional masculinity is necessary.Creating safe spaces for boys is essential.Engaging boys in education requires new approaches.Researching boys’ experiences is vital for change.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:andrewreinerauthor.com –– Andrew’s websiteAndrew Reiner: Building Boys’ Mental Health & Resiliency — ON BOYS episodeBetter Boys, Better Men: The New Masculinity th

AI — artificial intelligence — is already a big part of our everyday lives.We rely on it to help us get from one place to another. (GPS directions, anyone?) We use it to polish our prose. (Spell check and Grammarly, for instance.) Customer service chatbots and product recommendations based on previous purchases — all of these are built on AI.The public release of ChatGPT, a AI system that using natural language processing, has accelerated the use of AI in modern life. Students routinely use it for school work — to dismay of some teachers. As AI becomes more integrated into the tools and technologies we use every day, understanding how it works—and how to use it responsibly—is becoming essential for both adults and children.(AI, in fact, helped me rewrite that last sentence. Initially, it said, “Understanding AI & how to use it ethically is quickly becoming a necessary skill.)In this episode, we talk with Angela Radcliffe, a mom of two, clinical research expert, and AI enthusiast who created Quantum Kids,

Young Black men and boys remain the most vulnerable student population in U.S. schools. That’s why David Kirkland, founder & CEO of forwardED, is asking educators to “put a deliberate focus on Black boys” this year – to uplift Black boys, of course, but also because research shows that addressing the needs of our most vulnerable populations helps ALL.“It’s not that Black males fail. It’s that we fail Black males,” David says. “it’s important for us to reframe that focus so we can understand what we can do better.”Takeaways:Black boys are the most vulnerable student population in U.S. schools, facing persistent disparities in academic achievement and discipline.The education system is failing Black boys, and the framing of the issue needs to shift from blaming Black males to recognizing that the system fails them.A comprehensive approach is needed, including funding, culturally responsive education, policy changes, and a shift in mindset and practices.Addressing the needs of Black boys will benefit all stu

Stop, drop, grow, and glow?That’s Holly Swenson’s advice to parents. Swenson, a RN-turned-writer and mom of 4 boys (currently ages 10, 13, 15, & 15) was approximately seven years into parenting when she realized that “when you are taking care of yourself, you’re better able to take care of everyone in her life.”She & Jen talk about her book, Stop, Drop, Grow, & Glow: Forming Deeper & More Joyful Connections with Yourself & Your Children.Takeaways:Self-awareness and self-care are essential for effective parenting.Balancing the needs and interests of multiple children requires intentionality and mindfulness.Reacting to situations can be counterproductive, while responding thoughtfully fosters deeper connections.Parenting is a journey of personal growth and self-improvement.The Stop, Drop, Grow, and Glow method encourages reflection, letting go of past experiences, cultivating growth and self-awareness, and embracing joy and gratitude. Self-care is essential for parents to show up as their be

Kids can thrive at any size, says Jill Castle, a pediatric dietician, parent, and author of Kids Thrive at Any Size: How to Nourish Your Big, Small, or In-Between Child for a Lifetime of Health & Happiness.Takeaways:Feeding kids in a healthy way can be challenging, but it’s important to raise children of all sizes to be physically healthy and emotionally well.Family culture plays a significant role in shaping children’s attitudes towards food and body size.Body neutrality focuses on the functionality of the body rather than its appearance, promoting acceptance and self-love.Growth charts are a tool for tracking a child’s growth over time, but they should not be used to define a child’s health or worthiness.Parents can advocate for their children by addressing biases and stigma related to body size, both within the extended family and in healthcare settings.Creating a positive meal environment and supporting children’s individual appetites can help build healthy eating habits.Parents should prioritize slee

How can parents overcome their fears and worries so they can say YES to their boys’ interests and passions?That’s the question we discuss with Heather Sponholz, a “boy mom” who’s said yes to her teenage sons’ solo National Parks trips, MMA fighting, and ambitious Christmas lights project.Takeaways:Navigating the balance between freedom and safety for teenagers can be challenging for parents.Allowing teenagers to take solo trips can help them develop independence and learn important life skills.Trusting in your child’s ability to navigate challenges and make responsible decisions is essential.Supporting teenagers in pursuing their passions and interests can have a positive impact on their personal growth. Supporting and nurturing boys’ passions and interests is important for their personal growth and development.Parents should overcome their fears and worries and allow their children to pursue activities that they are passionate about.Community support and mentorship can play a crucial role in helping boys pur

SheKnows’ “Be a Man” project is an “exploration of what it means to be a man today,” says Erika Janes, a “boy mom” and SheKnows editor-in-chief.Importantly, the project includes teen boys and gives them an opportunity to share their thoughts about manhood and masculinity. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the boys’ responses reflect our still-evolving understanding of gender. Crying, for instance, is still seen as a term with strongly feminine connotations, “but almost every boy we talked to said that they did cry,” Janes says. “They still feel like there’s a stigma to boys and men crying, but for the most part, almost of all of them said, ‘I cry at times.'”Boys, she says, “still get so many messages about traditional masculinity — ‘don’t cry, be strong, be a man.’ But they need to be allowed to express healthy emotion, to express vulnerability, to be able to cry and express sadness. We need to understand and accept that teen boys have all the same emotions as teen girls and that it’s healthier if they have outlets

What is the goal of youth sports? It seems like an obvious question with an obvious answer. Isn’t the goal to provide kids with an opportunity to play sports? And to develop skills, teamwork, and camaraderie along the way?Historically, those were indeed the goals of youth sport. Many parents & kids still pursue those goals. But some parents & players have other goals: A scholarship. College admission. The youth sports industry also has a goal: To make money.Pay-to-PlayMany of today’s youth sports team use a pay-to-play model: parents pay (often exorbitant amounts) for their kids to play. Some youth sports organizations frame this cost as an “investment” and mention ROI — return on investment — on their websites. The required investment isn’t only financial; parents & families now invest a lot of time into sports practices, games, & tournaments.“What used to be very much a youth-driven activity has changed into more of an adult-driven model,” says Jean Linscott, co-author of What is the Goal?:

It’s back-to-school time! What does this time of year look like for you & your family? Does your son dread back-to-school? Do you? Or, do you welcome that start of a new school year?Rob Vaughn, a 5th grade teacher, is one of the (too) few male elementary school teachers in the United States.Masculinity in 5th gradeWhen we asked Rob about his experiences in school when he was a boy, he told us, “I was a different kind of boy.” He says he wasn’t a “sporty jock,” but “quiet,” “introverted,” and “nerdy.” He remembers being shy and feeling overwhelmed.The boys in his class exhibit a broad range of masculinity. There are the “dude” and “jocks,” Rob says, and at least as many boys how are “not stereotypical boys.” These guys like video games and stuffed animals, imaginative play, and art. They are sensitive — and so are the boys who like sports.Kids today, he says, aren’t as strictly adhering to gender roles as kids were a generation ago.“I’m finding that boys and girls are working together really well & ope

The right hemisphere of your brain is your “wild creature mind,” says Steve Biddulph, the Australian author, psychologist, and family therapist known for his work on parenting and child development (including his seminal book Raising Boys).It is richly connected to our body & memories, including memories that we no longer consciously recall. It communicates with us constantly via bodily sensations, sending us important messages.We can tap into that, and we can help our children tap into that — and, in doing so, help us all realize that “emotions are not the whole story,” Steve says.Try using the phrase “there is something in me” when discussing emotions and the accompanying sensations. There is a big difference between “I am furiously angry” and “There is something in me that is furiously angry.” That linguistic tweaking allows you to gain a bit of separation, to observe and notice your thoughts and sensations. The goal is not to eliminate the feeling or sensation, but to learn from it.Anxiety isn’t somet

Boys know that deep friendships are critical to mental health, says Dr. Niobe Way, a developmental psychologists who’s been studying boys for 40 years.But as boys move through their teenage years, many of them — as many as 70-80% — find it difficult to connect with other boys. Why? “Boy culture,” says Dr. Way, author of Rebels with a Cause: Reimagining Boys, Ourselves, & Our Future, noting that she uses that term to describe the stereotypical “boy” expectations which state that boys & men should be strong & indepedent. And in many cultures, that “boy culture” has spread to the culture at large.“Sucess, manhood, & modernity privilege the need for autonomy, not the need for connection,” Dr. Way says. The message most of us get is that maturity = self-sufficiency.That message may be harming the mental health of all of us, as humans as meant to be inter-dependent.Rebels, Dr. Way says, is not solely about boys & men, but about all of us & the culture in which we live. “Everybody needs relat

How do we best support neurodivergent boys?Approximately 12% of boys in the United States have been diagnosed with ADHD. About 3% are on the autism spectrum. 18% of boys have dyslexia. An untold number are gifted – &, of course, many boys are 2e, or twice-exceptional, with more than one of these conditions.Dr. Matt Zakreski was one of those boys. “My backpack always looked like a bomb went off, I always forgot there were tests but could study 3 minutes before the test and get a 92,” says Dr. Matt, author of Neurodiversity Playbook: How Neurodivergent People Can Crack the Code of Living in a Neurotypical World.His obvious-in-hindsight ADHD wasn’t noticed or address until he was in high school.Neurodiversity affects the intellectual, social, and emotional development of neurodivergent boys.”You have have a 10 year-old who’s intellectually 15 but socially, they’re 8,” Dr. Matt says, noting that neurodivergent boys need support both where they’re “ahead” of their similarly aged peesr and where they’re “behind

Circumcision is a decision every boy parent must face – but what’s the truth behind the practice?Let’s break down the facts and dispel the myths.Culture & emotion influence circumcision ratesSurgical removal of the foreskin of the penis is incredibly common in some cultures & very rare in others. In the United States, approximately. 58% of male newborns are circumcised. But rates vary greatly by region – in the Midwest, it’s 74%; on the West coast, it’s 30%. Globally, about 1 in 3 males are circumcised, with great variation across countries and continents. In Australia, the circumcision rate is 27%. In Germany, it’s 11%. Zimbabwe, 9.2%. Italy, 3%. Ireland, 1%. Uganda, 26.7%. “The variation is really accounted for my cultural differences,” says Tim Hammond, executive director of the Genital Autonomy Legal Defense & Education Fund (GALDEF). He notes that circumcision is not recognized as healthcare in many countries — with some countries considering the procedure medically harmful. Myths, misinforma

To connect with boys, you must first listen, says Jonathon Reed, program manager for NextGenMen.Societal expectations of boys & men are gradually shifting. These shifting narratives are part of why it’s so important for adults to listen to boys. Adults’ interpretation and understanding of situations and interactions doesn’t necessarily reflect boys’ complex experiences, and neither does our language or approach.“We’ve got to look to them as the leaders in this conversation,” Reed says.Approach with CuriosityTeens (and humans of all ages) tend to shut down and stop listening to people who don’t seem to be listening. By adolescence, most boys know that the world isn’t simply black or white; they’re ready to explore the grey. If you want to connect you boys, approach conversations with curiosity.“Curiosity lays the possibility for an impactful conversation,” Reed says. Then, listen. Don’t dismiss what boys are telling you; dwell on the awkwardness they share and express.Remember, too, that boys won’t necessa

Dr. Lisa Damour says that adults should consider the barriers boys face when it comes to emotional connection and expression. "Gender is such a huge force in how emotion is expressed, and perhaps even in how emotion is experienced," says Dr. Damour. "If a boy doesn’t feel that he has permission to let people know he’s hurting, it’s a good bet that he will discharge his unwanted emotions by acting out."To Connect with Teens, Learn About Their EmotionsDr. Damour served as an advisor on one of this summer's most popular films, Inside Out 2. (Haven't seen it yet? Go! It'll give you great insight into what's going on inside the brain of your teen.)Boys may restrict their emotional expression due to societal pressures and gender norms. Dr. Damour highlights the stark contrast between the emotional expression allowed for girls and boys in our culture. Girls, she says, generally have a "wide emotional highway" to express a range of emotions, while boys are restricted to a "

Brendan Kwiatkowski knows that connecting with teenage boys requires understanding, patience, and a willingness to create a safe emotional space.Kwiatkowski, PhD, a renowned researcher specializing in boys’ emotions, experiences, and masculinities, says that teen boys “assume most people don’t want to hear about their negative emotions.”Helping Boys Express Their EmotionsOne of the key factors in a boy’s ability to express his emotions is his parents’ response to his distress. If a boy knows that his anger, sadness, or frustration will upset his parents’ equilibrium, he is more likely to stifle his emotions. On the other hand, if he feels that his parents will respond with calm compassion, he is more likely to share his feelings honestly.It’s important for parents to create a supportive environment where their sons feel safe to express themselves. This means responding to their emotions without judgment or immediate solutions, simply listening and validating their feelings. Don’t fret if you don’t always resp