Heartfelt Marriage

Some couples think shacking up (cohabitation) helps them move toward a real marriage. Others want to see if they are truly compatible before they take the plunge. Still, others do it for practical reasons – so they can save money on rent or share childcare responsibilities. But is shacking up a good idea? Listen to Dr. Ross’ second podcast on Holy Matrimony or Shacking up for the practical side of cohabitation. In this podcast, Dr. Ross presents three real-life reasons why shacking up before marriage is a bad idea and he has the evidence to prove it! The podcast is 9 minutes.

If you or someone you know is thinking about moving in with their “significant other,” you might want to check with an attorney before you do. You will be more surprised than pleased by the obligations you incur when you present yourself to the world as a married couple, but you are not married. In this podcast, Dr. Ross does not give legal advice (he is not an attorney), but he does wave some legal warning flags for “living together couples.” Hear his ten warnings to consider before you or someone you know decides to “live together” outside the bonds of holy matrimony. The podcast is 8 minutes long.

Strengthen the bonds between you and your mate in 2018. You do that by creating the best YOU possible; NOT by reshaping your mate in the mold YOU want. In this Podcast, Dr. Ross suggests three promises that you can make to yourself. As you keep these promises, your mate will see a brighter, better and more lovable you! The payoff for developing a better YOU is that you will have a better wife or a more loveable husband. How does that work? Easy: What you give is what you get! A better marriage doesn’t start with your mate; it starts with you! The podcast is only 10 minutes long.

“Love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage,” so sang Frank Sinatra back in the 1950s concluding with, “You can’t have one without the other!” Oh yes, you can. There are lots of loveless marriages out there. How many couples do you know that were once hot lovers but are now barely tolerant of each other? Maybe even you and your mate. In this podcast, Dr. Ross gives you the three steps you must take if you want your marriage marked by heartfelt love, profound love, and abiding love. If love has ebbed and your marriage has become wearisome, determine to restart love again. Begin with your relationship with God. Let him love you and forgive you of your mistakes and sins, then forgive yourself and love yourself, then turn to your mate and declare, “Love will reign in our marriage because God’s love reigns in our hearts.”

The “best friend” status is hard to define because men and women are different, in case you haven’t noticed. Husband, your wife is not one of the guys. She’s not your substitute fraternity brother or your regular fishing buddy. She’s not your mentor or your counselor or your advice-giver. She’s a woman who has and needs girlfriends, and she’s your wife. And wife, your husband is not one of the girls. He’s not your giddy girlfriend or your shopping partner. He probably won’t enjoy long conversations about almost anything or enjoy knowing all the secrets of your girlfriends. He’s a man who has and needs guy friends, and he’s your husband. In this podcast, Dr. Ross agrees that you and your mate should be best friends. However, in light of the way God wired men and women differently, he puts the friendship issue in perspective.

Is it a good idea to “always tell the truth” to your mate? Some marriage advisors say so, and as a rule, honesty is the best policy. However, you should no more become a blatant liar than a blatant truth teller. After all, you hate it when someone tells you something about you or about someone you love that you don’t want to know or need to know. In this Podcast, Dr. Ross discusses the issue of white lies as well as the wisdom to keep quiet about some things you have done or said in the past. The conversations you have with your mate should bring you together, not divide you. Too much truth, such as what you did while dating in college, is likely to cause discord and suspicion rather than harmony and trust. Dr. Ross also warns of the danger that those little white lies that seem so innocent can become big deceptive words and deeds that harm your relationship. You don’t want that to happen. Your best choice concerning white lies, as opposed to blatant honesty, is to make sure whatever happens between you and y

Of all the things in life, there is nothing easier to fight about than money. Why? Because money is an integral part of your daily life. No day passes without the spending of money in one way or another. It can be something as important as the rent or a car payment, or something as insignificant as a candy bar at the check-out counter or a cup of coffee at Starbucks.  Every time you spend or save money you touch yourself at a deep emotional level. Each of you has a unique “money personality:” you are either primarily a spender or a saver, and neither position is right, and neither is wrong. However, both positions can become abusive and can also become a source of perpetual conflict if not defined, understood, and moderated by you and your mate. In this Podcast, Dr. Ross encourages you to learn to make mutually agreeable emotionally healthy financial decisions – together – respecting each other’s money personality. He suggests you go ahead and have your disagreements about money, but never stop seeking ways t

Meet Amy Alexander Sylvestre, a young mother who lives in suburban Chicago with her husband and young child. She has joined me as a co-author on a variety of topics related to marriage. When I started to write Bad Marriage Advice Part 6: Put Your Kids First, I knew I needed a fresh voice, a female voice, and of course, a Christian voice.  Amy met that description. She quickly became an integral part of Heartfelt Marriage as the writer for our weekly email blasts. You will hear her clear, gentle voice in this week’s edition of Heartfelt Marriage Podcast!  Enjoy Amy’s first podcast appearance as she speaks to the bad marriage advice: Put Your Kids First! Sincerely, Dr. Ron Ross

  Every married couple wants to be happy. They want their marriage to be happy; they want their down days to be few and their nights of romantic ecstasy to be many. When their fantasy of perpetual happiness is shattered by arguments, insecurity, bad decisions, financial struggles, betrayal, addictions, sexual dissatisfaction, etc., they pop a few antidepressants or they look around for something or someone who can make them happy.  True happiness is never found in another person or in stuff or in pills or in erotic experiences – it is found within; it is found deep in your heart when you decide to be happy - when you decide to help someone else - when you decide to be happy no matter what you are doing. In this podcast, Dr. Ross uses the words of an old song to challenge you to “make someone happy, make just one someone happy, and then you’ll be happy too!” The podcast is only 10 minutes long.

Your emotions are volatile! “My heart skipped a beat when she entered the room!” Ecstasy. “When he turned away and left me standing on the beach by myself, my heart was broken.” Despair. Both are matters of the heart! They are how you feel: your immediate reaction to a person, a comment, or an event. You can feel madly in love after a weekend of relaxation, conversation, and lovemaking, but by Tuesday you can be back to the grind of surviving another day with “the old lady,” or another night with “Beer-belly Bubba.” When someone tells you to “always follow your heart,” thank them for their kind words, but don’t take their advice. Here’s why: Your emotions are not trustworthy. But that’s not the end of the story. Listen to Dr. Ross as he gives you some warnings and some very good news about your heart!

“Be honest, brutally honest. That is what’s going to maintain relationships.” This “bad marriage advice” quote is attributed to Lauryn Hill, a singer/songwriter. I want to ask Ms. Hill a couple of questions: Which do you enjoy the most, Ms. Hill, the brutality or the honesty? Also, Ms. Hill, when you’re on the receiving end of brutal honesty, which draws you closer to your critic, the brutality, their ruthlessness, and harshness, or is it their honesty? In most marriage relationships, most of the time, brutal honesty is NOT a good idea. When you are brutal, it means you are cruel, course, and ferocious. Those are the words we use to describe a lion’s attack on a young antelope or an organized dogfight. People who are brutally honest are out to hurt not heal, to punish not pardon, and to polarize not harmonize. And they practice their art under the guise of being honest. Listen to Dr. Ross’ insights concerning this bad marriage advice. The podcast is less than 9-minutes long.

A recently divorced husband or wife says, “I don’t know what happened, he (or she) just blew up, screamed like a howling monkey, and stalked out the door. In a few weeks I got a registered letter from an attorney, and a few months later we were in divorce court.”  One (and maybe both) people in that relationship kept score of all the bad stuff that happened between them. That is the kind of scorekeeping someone means when they advise a married couple, “Don’t keep score.” and of course, they are giving good advice as keeping a record of wrongs deteriorates any relationship. There is a right way to keep score, and that’s what Dr. Ross wants you to learn to do. He wants you to unlearn the idea of keep score of the bad things that happen and instead learn the optimistic, constructive, and love-lifting way to keep score in your marriage. Listen to this 10-minute podcast and learn to keep score of what’s good.

There is a never-ending supply of advice for married couples – some of it is very bad. Here are a few examples: “If your relationship is in trouble, have a baby. It always makes everyone cheer up and be happy.” Uhhhh no. A pregnant woman with morning sickness followed by a crying newborn baby with colic does not make either father or mother cheer up and be happy. This piece of genius advice no doubt came from a man. He said, “Sex should always, 100% of the time, be mind-blowing and transcendent. If it’s not – even once – immediately get a divorce.” Three responses to that advice: it’s not only physically impossible to achieve, it is offensive and down-right stupid. For the next few weeks, Dr. Ross deals with commonly given bad marriage advice. You’re not going to want to miss any of them. Perhaps the most frequently given bad advice is NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY. There are three problems with that advice – that’s the subject of this week’s Podcast!

By 8:00 pm that night the pain around my heart had increased substantially. I figured it was one of those gas bubbles created by the extra-bacon BLT I made myself a few hours earlier. Problem was, it kept getting worse. I changed sitting positions, swallowed some antacids, took a short walk, drank a couple of glasses of lukewarm water, and more. No relief, so I took a couple of more antacids and drank another glass of water. Put on my PJs and watched some TV. Problem was, it kept getting worse. When you’re married, there are a variety of pains you encounter – some are physical and some are emotional. In this podcast, Dr. Ross talks about a recent trip to the ER. He went that night because he thought he was having a heart attack. Hear his story and explanation of how the pain he felt in his chest wasn’t as bad as the pain he still feels in his heart.

  My wife, Amy, loved flowers. Every spring she bought a variety of potted plants and decorated our front porch and yard with beautiful blooming flowers. There was something I noticed about this – those flowers were beautiful, but they took a lot of work, a lot of watering and feeding and nurturing. Your marriage is no different than that porch-full of potted plants – your marriage can be beautiful, but it takes a lot of work, a lot of watering and feeding and nurturing. In this week’s podcast, Dr. Ross talks about watering, feeding and nurturing your marriage so it will not be a BLAMING OR A BORING MARRIAGE. It is part 3 of his “Three Kinds of Marriage” presentation he made at Southeast Christian Church in Parker, Colorado (www.SoutheastCC.org).

    Boredom in marriage can be the most dangerous and insidious problem you face. Boredom can cause your mate to look somewhere else for passion, delight, or excitement, and there is nothing more exhilarating than an illicit extra-marital affair. Why? Because it is anything but boring. It is passionate and hot-blooded and seductive. The root-word for seductive is "seduce." To seduce means “to lead astray,” “to corrupt.” It is easy to be seduced if you are in a boring marriage. This podcast is Part 2 of a presentation Dr. Ross made at Southeast Christian Church in Parker, Colorado, titled, “Three Kinds of Marriage.” The podcast is ten minutes long. NEXT WEEK: Part 3: The BLOOMING Marriage!

“Three Kinds of Marriage” is a presentation Dr. Ross made at Southeast Christian Church in Parker, Colorado. This podcast is part one of that presentation, “a blaming marriage.”  You will know you have a blaming marriage if most of your disagreements and battles begin or end with, “If only….”  Our marriage would be better if only … Finish the sentence. Our sex life would be more frequent if only … Finish the sentence. Our finances would improve if he would only … Finish the sentence. Our kids would get better grades if only the teachers would … Finish the sentence. I would have gotten that promotion at work if only my boss … Finish the sentence. Lots of times these “if onlys” have a measure of truth in them, but most of the time they are excuses for our own missteps, our own bad attitudes, our own blunders. Blaming marriages are not happy marriages. You want a happy marriage, right? Then listen to this podcast; it is less than ten minutes long.

As a preschooler, I was shocked to discover the world did not revolve around me! It took me awhile, but when I finally learned the rules of relationships my life got a lot better. I was happier, and so was everyone around me! Is it possible you still have some of that preschooler mentality that YOU are the center of the universe, and all of God’s creation is here to serve you? I have news for you: you’re not, and they’re not. Every relationship has rules – including marriage relationships, and including YOUR marriage relationship. You can have the happy marriage you long for if you and your mate follow some simple yet profound relationship rules! In this podcast, Dr. Ross reveals his “The Ten Commandments of Marriage” based on his 52-years and 4-months love affair with his wife. Listen in and let him know what you think about this brief (less than 9 minutes), but helpful podcast. Email Dr. Ross your responses: Dr.Ross@HeartfeltMarriage.com

Wives, you probably already know this, but men are soooo easy to please it’s almost embarrassing to have a podcast on the subject, right? Well, most husbands most of the time. Listen to this podcast for proof and some easily employed and low-cost “small moves” that will make that hero you’re married to smile and smile and smile! Husbands, suggest gently to your princess that you sit down and listen to Dr. Ross to see if he knows what he’s talking about!

  Husbands, here’s a secret about women you need to know: they are easier to please than you think. Listen to this podcast for proof and some easily employed and low-cost “small moves” that will make that princess you’re married to smile and smile and smile! Wives, tell Bubba to sit down and listen, and you’ll both be happier. Then tune in next week for part 2 of this “small moves” theme when I talk to the wives.