Minute To Freedom

Have you ever found yourself doing things you didn't want to do, just so others would like you?  That was something I learned when I was young.

When I started dealing with the effects of growing up in an alcoholic family, I was so bound up in the fear and terror of what I had lived through as a child, that those emotions were all I could see for a long time.  Yet later I started seeing how much courage it took for me to confront those issues!

Have you ever felt like you had a love/hate relationship with a parent?  When I was in my '30s, the thing I wanted most was not to end up being like my Dad. Then I realized with a shock that I had become just like my Dad.

Has it ever seemed like your problems are bigger than you can deal with on your own? When I sought the help of professionals, it gave me invaluable insight and assistance in dealing with my carryover issues from childhood.

Have you ever taken a step forward and not long after found yourself two steps behind where you started?  At times I was growing faster than my mind could accept - I was trying for revolutionary progress.  These days, I am better off trying for evolutionary progress.

Have friends ever told you to give yourself a break?  Did it ever seem like you didn't think much of yourself?  I had that experience a lot, where someone would try to compliment me or say something nice to me, and I would find a reason not to believe them.

Have you ever felt like you're being too tough on yourself?  It often seemed like I was doing that - nothing I ever did measured up, and I would focus on the strikeout I had in the softball game, rather than the 3 hits and the great catch I made in the outfield.

Has it ever seemed like it's hard to feel happiness or joy?  Easy to feel pain, but tough to feel excitement?  I discovered that when I was growing up in an alcoholic family, every time I felt excited and joyful about something I did, I got put down or hurt.

Have you ever felt like you can't appreciate your talents the way you could for someone else? I could tell you that David was a gifted speaker, or a talented athlete, but I couldn't see the same thing about myself.

Has it ever seemed like you had blinders on about your world? I did for a number of years.  If I was in denial about my behavior, I actually couldn't see what I had done, although my actions were obvious to everyone around me.

Have you ever found yourself more comfortable if things didn't work out, than if you succeeded?  I was once told it looked like I was not afraid of failure, but afraid of success.  The statement rang true.

Have you ever felt like you had to hold on tightly because if you let your anger surface, it would just explode?   I was like that in my mid '30.  It was affecting my health, and I finally had to face how angry I was.

Have you ever had something traumatic happen, like a family crisis, and you found yourself just spacing out?  I would do that - be frozen to the spot and not able to take action.

Have you ever felt like your world rotated around someone else, and that person had the ability to determine your happiness?  For me it almost felt like a physical craving that I had to be around the woman I was involved with, and sometimes I would do crazy things.

Have you ever felt like a victim?  Like everyone was out to get you? I was hurt as a child, I was victimized.  No doubt about it.  But if I carry that mentality into adulthood, it's now a problem that I'm carrying.

Have you ever felt like you were too serious? That it was tough to let go and just have fun? When a friend asked "What are you doing for fun?" it used to bug me, because I couldn't come up with many examples of fun in my life.

Have you ever been frightened by an angry person? I'm sure most of us have at some point.  But for me being around anger brought up a deep terror.  Because I knew from growing up in an alcoholic household how anger could explode, and how dangerous that could be.

Have you ever felt like you just weren't being useful?  That your problems were so overwhelming that they became your whole world?  Yet there's a great deal of truth in that old saying, "you don't get it until you give it away."

Have you ever felt like you just didn't want to look at the problems that were plaguing your life?  I was like that for many years, and yet - it didn't make those problems go away.

Has it ever felt like you were being too critical of yourself? That whatever you did, it wasn't good enough?  If I got a 98 on a test, I beat myself up over the 2 I missed rather than feeling good about the high score.