Save The Marriage Podcast | How To Save Your Marriage | How To Stop Your Divorce

Many times, I have someone telling me what their spouse should be.  How they should act, what they should do… and what they should do, particularly, for the spouse.  Rarely are they telling me what a spouse is, but should be. There is an immediate problem (or a few) right there.  You see, “should” is based in shame and expectation.  And we don’t use it when someone is doing what we want.  It is when they are not. As I have discussed in other episodes, expectations almost always end badly.  It is a dead-end street that does nothing useful for any relationship.  But especially a marriage! I often watch couples (or one spouse) struggle with wanting things a spouse cannot give.  And when that happens, it slowly moves a marriage to hurt, resentment, disappointment, and even disdain. All because of an expectation that can’t be met. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I look at 5 things a spouse is NOT (and cannot be).  Then, we spend some time discussing what a spouse CAN be (once you get past th

Has the crisis in your marriage passed… but you aren’t sure where things are now? Well, that would put you in good company!  I have been asking for listener questions, and noticed this was the theme for quite a few. What’s the theme? The immediate crisis has passed.  The separation or divorce is off the table.  The affair is over.  The spouse has returned to the home or bedroom.  For most, communication was much improved.  For many, lots of things had improved. Several told me how they had used my program and were closer now than ever before. But…. And this is where there is often some diversity of answers.  Things felt stuck/stagnant/in limbo.  Physical contact and connection was still missing.  Trust was still struggling. In other words, they had left the crisis phase of things, but were now in a chronic phase. The marriage was not fixed.  It just was no longer on life-support. So, what now? Well, I discuss it in this episode of the podcast.  You can listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Crisis and Chro

You probably know that I'm on the side of your marriage.  I'm all about saving a marriage. But does that mean that EVERY marriage will be saved, or even should be saved? No. First, there are times when BOTH people want to leave the marriage.  At that point, there is nothing that WILL save the marriage.  There has to be energy from AT LEAST one person, in order for anything to change. Second, there are times when the toxicity level is high, creating a toxic situation for the spouses.  In fact, there are 3 times when it MAY be too toxic.  And there is 1 time when it absolutely too toxic to work on the marriage. Let me tell you 5 symptoms of elevated toxicity, 3 times you may need to step back, and 1 time you definitely need to step back from the marriage. RELATED RESOURCES: Domestic Violence Help Anger & Resentment Coping Issues And Marriages Save The Marriage System

It's a false belief in our culture that we need to "trust our gut" and "follow our emotions."  Emotions change.  Feelings shift.  And we can't even say what our emotions are, much of the time. Sure, you can feel an emotion.  But tell me what it is?  What it means?  Why it is there right now... and might be gone in 5 minutes?  Or tomorrow? Let's be clear:  a hurting marriage is painful.  Conflict is tough.  Not connecting with someone close to you is frustrating.  But does that mean that it is time to give up and walk away?  What if your emotions are all over the place, making you feel like you need to give up and walk away. Is that a reason to give up? Notice:  "feel like" is seen as a "reason." Many people tell me they just need to "follow their emotions."  I remind them that there is a group of people who do this... children -- around 3 years old!  Because they think that the emotion is truth.  They are angry, so they throw a fit.  5 minutes later, the anger is gone, so they are happy to play.  Until t

Do you feel like you are stuck in limbo?  That crazy spot where you can’t move forward, but aren’t ending things?  Is it a spouse who has you stuck there? Well, that was the situation for “J.”  He wrote me because his spouse could not decide on whether to stay or go, work on things or walk away. He told me he was stuck in Limbo, didn’t know what to do, and didn’t know how to get his spouse to work on the relationship. What should he do?? I respond to J’s question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  And it may just be where you find yourself, too.  Not able to move forward, but not ready to walk away. How do you deal with “Limbo”?  We discuss it.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: 3 C’s of Saving Your Marriage 3 A’s in Your Control 3 Levels of Connection Save The Marriage System

Mid Life Crisis… the butt of many jokes.  And a crisis for many marriages!  I have seen several studies that challenged whether there is such a thing as a mid life crisis.  I don’t find many of my therapist or coach friends wondering that.  We see it every day. And I see the strain a MLC can place on an already-hurting marriage.  If the marriage is disconnected already, a MLC turns into a MLMC (mid life marriage crisis).  Which often leads to compounding issues, like an affair. What can you do, if your spouse is having a mid life crisis?  And what if it is complicated by an affair? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss what a MLC is, when it can become a MLMC, and what to do in response.  Even if there is an affair. (Why this episode?  Because a listener asked.  If you have a question — a Goldilocks question, as I discuss in the episode — you can send it here.)   RELATED RESOURCES: Mid Life Crisis Series Why Connection is So Important The Pause Button Dealing with Affairs My Book:

Are you stuck questioning whether your spouse is the RIGHT spouse, whether your love is REAL, whether there is someone ELSE, or maybe your spouse is being unfaithful? That is often very normal. To a degree. It is entirely normal for people in regular, normal, healthy relationships to have questions that just pop up from time-to-time.  That is just what our brain does.  It tosses out “bait” of thoughts, to see which ones you bite on (which just sets the hook) and which ones pass.  Which ones you LET pass. And there are times, when a relationship is toxic, that you have those thoughts because your mind is trying to get your attention — to get you to ACT. And then, there is a third category.  When those thoughts become obsessive.  When they keep you stuck.  There are some clinicians that refer to this as ROCD — Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The problem is, those 3 points can be, ummmm… less than clear. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I answer a listener’s question as a way

I don’t know about you, but I just don’t do things perfectly.  I make mistakes. Okay, I’ll admit it:  I DO know about you.  You make mistakes, too.  And how do I know?? We ALL make mistakes!  Especially when we are doing things that are tough, important, and stressful.  And when we don’t know what we are doing, anyway. And I’m pretty sure that saving your marriage is tough, important, and stressful.  Oh, and if you are like most people, you don’t really know what you are doing (if you did, you wouldn’t be here — on this page or with a struggling relationship). So let’s just assume that you have made some mistakes.  On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we talk about what to do.  I cover questions from two T’s.  Different questions, it would seem.  But at their core, they are very similar.  So, I give some info that applies to each situation, and then we dive into what to do when mistakes are made. And they WILL be made! Listen to the episode below. RELATED RESOURCES What NOT To Do The 4 C’s

Hot and cold.  That is often what I hear people describe.  About their spouses.  One minute/hour/day/week, there is warmth and connection… things seem to be improving.  And in the next minute/hour/day/week, the cold returns.  Distance and dread return.  Are things going south?  Is this the time when things don’t turn around? And then… the pattern repeats again. It can through you off your efforts, discourage you, even tempting you to give up. So, what is that all about, anyway? “M” is in this very situation.  She wants to understand it, so she knows how to respond (not react, but respond).  It may be YOUR question, too.  Especially if your spouse did what M’s spouse did:  Gave the “ILYBNILWY” speech (“I Love You But Not In Love With You”) I explain what is going on here, and what to do about it.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Confusion or Connection 3 C’s 4th C Don’t React Save The Marriage System My Books

You’ve taken steps to save your marriage.  And it seems to be working!  Things are improving.  The ice is melting.  Perhaps you are treating each other better, maybe even laughing here and there. And perhaps YOU took some big step — like writing the apology letter the way that I recommend.  But you also know that when to talk — when to address the issues — is a big concern.  If you ask too soon, do you risk a setback? A podcast listener recently sent in a question about that.  Her anxiety has been building about their progress.  She can see the signs.  But what about that “elephant in the room?”  Is it time to address it? In this episode of the podcast, I respond to “S” to bring some clarity to the question, “When to Talk?" You can listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Save The Marriage System My Books What NOT to Do The Importance of an Apology

We all do it.  We say something in the heat of the moment… and feelings get hurt. Sometimes, though, that can be the “last straw,” that final tap over the edge that leads to crisis.  For a listener of my podcast, “R,” that is what happened. He wrote me, asking, “how could I take back the strong/attacking/hurtful words I said to my wife." I answer him in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. But before I answer that specific question, I go into some dangers of separation (they ended up in an “in-house” separation).  And I pull apart the myth of “work on myself OR work on the relationship." As is often the case when I respond to an email question, this doesn’t just apply to R.  It may very well apply to YOU! (Oh, and by the way, if you have the “Goldilocks question” — not too broad, not too specific, but just right — send me your question for possible answers in future podcast episodes. I tell you how in the podcast episode.) You can listen to the episode below. RELATED TOPICS: Apologies Forgivi

We all have limiting beliefs.  You... me... and your spouse!  I always work to change my limiting beliefs.  You are probably doing the same.  But you can't just change your spouse's limiting beliefs! What is a limiting belief?  It is a mostly-FALSE belief.  But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck... unable to see bigger possibilities.  Potentials for change. Mostly, limiting beliefs are about what CAN'T happen, what is NOT possible. Even when there are possibilities. Even when things CAN change. If someone can't see a way to move forward, they are unlikely to be willing to try to move forward.  So, they stay stuck.  And if it is a spouse who can't see forward on saving your marriage, it can keep YOU stuck, too! In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I respond to JJ's question about how to deal with her spouse's belief that "if a marriage was meant to be, it would be easy."  I also address several other false/limiting beliefs... and what to do about them. Listen in below. RELATED

Roles. We all have them. We all play them. Some are "identity roles." They identify us in the role. For example, I am "son," "father," "brother," "husband." Some are "function roles." They identify what we do. For example, I am "coach," "therapist," "author," "speaker," and "podcaster" (among others). They tell you what I do, what role I play in life. Then there are "attribution roles." They try to describe why we do something. And it is in the arena of attribution roles that I want to focus some attention. Because those attributions, both on ourselves and others, can serve to keep us stuck. And keep others stuck in the roles we attribute to them. Two very toxic roles are the roles of Enemy and Victim. To be clear, there is a difference between being a victim of some circumstance and playing the role of Victim. And to be crystal clear, no matter what has happened in your marriage to this point, you are NOT Enemies. That is a role that you may assign. But it will keep you stuck. Listen in to this podca

Lots of people have asked me how long it takes for a marriage crisis to turn around... for the marriage to start heading in the RIGHT direction.  Does it take days?  Weeks??  Years??? I often tell them that marriages in crisis can often turn around amazingly fast. That doesn't mean YOUR marriage will.  But it often does happen. Why is it that a marriage can feel like it is on the edge of collapse, and then seemingly come back to life overnight? It all has to do with a basic human need that we all have.  It is the central part of a marriage, and goes so deep that when it is missing, it is painful.  When it is restored (the right way), it is immediately healing.  Listen below for why marriage turn quickly (and why the don't). RELATED RESOURCES Connection is the Lifeblood There is no Pause No Manipulation Healing Disconnection Save The Marriage System  

Nothing gets your focus and attention like a crisis.  But sometimes, that Crisis Clarity isn't so helpful. Let's backtrack just a minute.  What is Crisis Clarity? Just for a moment, let's assume that you have had a sense that something was not right with your marriage.  Maybe you asked about it.  Or perhaps you just hoped for the best -- that things would turn around, settle down, and get on-track. Then suddenly, the crisis emerges.  You learn about an affair.  Your spouse gives you the "love you, not in love with you" speech.  Your spouse wants to separate.  You get divorce papers.  Or... fill in the blank ____________. It is no longer a theoretical problem. It is a full-blown crisis! And that crisis gets your attention.  Your FULL attention. That is Crisis Clarity. Yes, it can be helpful.  And it can also be harmful. How do you understand and handle Crisis Clarity?  I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES The Pause Button Marriage Why Connectio

On a regular basis, people want to tell me about the problem with their marriage.  Then, they tell me about the current crisis:  "my spouse doesn't love me/is having an affair/won't talk to me/wants to separate/wants to divorce/etc./etc." They want to solve the crisis.  And they think THAT is the problem! They would be wrong. What they are describing is a symptom.  Not the problem. If you try to solve a symptom, all you get are other symptoms.  No resolution, no help, and no change. We don't just do it about a marriage issue.  If you are running a fever, you may decide to take some acetaminophen or ibuprofen.  And you might feel better (the fever likely comes down).  But if there is an underlying problem, treating the symptom means that some other symptom will just emerge... and it may be even worse! In this podcast, I look at the difference between a symptom (the crisis) and the problem (what led to the crisis). That will help you to actually make a difference in your marriage, solve the crisis, and re

Every now and then (well, actually quite frequently), people tell me stories about how parenting didn’t exactly elicit the best response.  Many times, people tell me with regret over words and actions they wish they had not expressed.  Sure, there is some shame, maybe some blame. But there is often very little change. On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I sit down with Larry Hagner and discuss how his bad moment with his child led to change.  Not just for Larry, but for many other people. You see, Larry didn’t have a great example of how to be a good parent.  So he was doing the best he could with the tools at hand.  But it was not going the way he wanted.  So, he decided that something had to change. He decided that HE had to change! It became a quest, to be a better parent… to be a better partner and person, too! Larry started (some time back) by starting a FB group that looked to get others to share their parenting wisdom.  This grew and grew. When it became clear that others were look

Many of my podcast episodes are really aimed at those in the midst of some marriage crisis. Maybe it is hanging on by a thread. Perhaps it is just in the beginning stages. Today, I want to share some information that applies to every single marriage -- happy or hurting, starting or staying, even barely hanging on. If you are at the beginning of a marriage -- this applies! If you are struggling through -- this applies! If you aren't sure if it will survive -- this applies! A few weeks ago, a reporter asked for some truths for couples. After nearly 3 decades of working with couples, and almost 30 years of marriage, those truths were pretty quick to come to mind. And after I was done talking, I realized that I needed to share the information in my podcast, so that you could access it, too. Please, feel free to share it with others who are married, so they know the truth about marriage -- and can build a great relationship! RELATED RESOURCES Immutable Laws of Marriage Series Connection Resources Dealing with

Many couples make the mistake of assuming that their problems are due to poor communication. That is not (or rarely) the case. Why do couples think this? Because many therapists use that as the default problem to attack in therapy. But communication is merely the method of passing information. Helpful in connecting with a spouse, for sure. It's just that most people express themselves fairly well. For years, people would come to my office and ask for help in communicating. After 20 or 30 minutes of listening, I would note that I understood everything each one said. They were communicating just fine. They had an issue, for sure. Communication, though, was not THE issue. Still, communication is not irrelevant. It is one of the ways we connect. So, if communication is hampered by hurt and disconnection, then communication can seem like the issue. In this episode, I offer 3 rules for better communication -- communication that leads to connection! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Communication Mistakes What Y

We all "show ourselves" in our interactions with others. Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship. Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table. Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence. And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence. As you may have guessed, an angry or distant or needy presence rarely serves the relationship or the improvement of a relationship. Maybe you think you are just responding to what is coming your way... that you are just following your spouse's lead... or the lead of the world around you. But we all get to choose how we will Show Up. We get to choose how we want to be, who we want to be, in all of our relationships. We don't have to leave it to reaction or fear, resentment or hurt. We can choose how and who we will be in life. How do YOU Show Up? Listen for how to Show Up the way you want to! RELATED RESOURCES 3 C's of Saving a Marriage Forgiveness and Marriage Apologies and Marriage How To Really Sho