How Rude! The Full House Podcast

Jack Felker is our honorary Rude Dude for the week and she knows a few things to be true: Dinosaurs are real. You should never come at her thinking you know more when it comes to Boy Meets World trivia. And the little boy from Brooklyn is probably her son. This week we’re trying our best to move through “Please Don’t Touch the Dinosaur”, in which Stephanie cleans Joey’s disgusting car and Michelle destroys a hastily thrown together, four million dollar exhibit. We also conceive of a brilliant series for Netflix (well, we have the brilliant title, at least) and marvel at the intricacies of Crossroads, so don’t miss out! And please, if you please, please do not touch the dinosaur! XOXO

Collin Dahlgren (otherwise known as Brad Pike's nemesis) joined us for what is unfortunately one of the most depressing episodes of 'Full House' in existence. And not simply because it involves child abuse! "Silence Is Not Golden" also makes room for a disgusting gentleman known as the Funny Buddy when it's not being distracted by atrocious book report antics. It's proof that maybe not all shows were cut out to tackle the inherent challenges of a Very Special Episode, is all we're saying. What else do we got? Well, Joey is the last living citizen of Dresden, Comet is a Time Lord, and Collin was a latchkey kid who turned about a dozen of his peers gay through the magic of backyard wrestling. It's great stuff, so get those ears ready, true believers! XOXO P.S. Be sure to check out Collin and Margaret Lebron's new podcast, You Gotta See This, which premieres this week!

Brad Pike thinks you have a beautiful singing voice and that you're a ten! He also thinks your daddy-daughter dance was absolutely disgusting. What is wrong with you? And what the fuck is wrong with poor Michelle in "The Heartbreak Kid"? She's fallen in love with her sister's man and no one is setting her straight. Wake up, you dumb baby, HE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU. Meanwhile, Jesse is wrangling with his new Xbox 360, Danny and Joe are at each other's throats over a phantom woman from their past, and sexy Garfield is making everyone cum. Yum-yum! XOXO

James D'Amato of the One Shot podcast is here to assure us that lying is fine. In fact, lying could get you exactly what you want, even if people discover you have been lying. It's great! That's what we're supposed to take away from this week's Full House adventure, right? In "Be True to Your Preschool" our resident toe-headed chicken nugget barf blobs are trying to get into Snob Academy and the only thing standing in their way is their own father. Meanwhile, Kimmy is tooling around in The Wild Thing, a car that belongs to an unseen character we could not be more obsessed with if we tried. Who are you, Garth Gibbler? What is your story? In other news, Brandon is over math lessons being injected into FH, James is looking back on his 16th Hibachi Birthday, and Marco the Gangster is terrorizing the San Fran populace from his cell. Can anyone stop him? SHOULD anyone stop him? XOXO P.S. A shoutout to Subi Shah for this week's highly disturbing album art!

Subi Shah and Cher Vincent are no strangers to the world of deconstructing television: As the hosts of 'Gossip Girls' they know what it means to tackle a show one episode at a time, but they were smart. They picked a show they actually, actively enjoy, whereas we've trapped ourselves in a padded cell with a dopey sitcom we basically can't stand. Thankfully, Subi and Cher agreed to help us bear this wretched cross by watching "Birthday Blues", the episode in which Kimmy finally calls everyone on their shit. Why do they hate her so fucking much? Because her feet stink? As Subi asserts, all feet stink! Butts too. So get the fuck over it, Tanners! Meanwhile, Subi's predictions for the future are scaring the crap out of us, Cher is going into a fugue state while at the bank, and Jon's 21st birthday party was a lame duck disaster. We cannot recommend Subi and Cher's podcast enough, so if you're looking for more TV talk in your life, you're gonna love 'Gossip Girls'. Subscribe today! XOXO

Ian Williams may have had his career as a professional ironing board surfer cut tragically short, but that didn't stop him from being our 101st honorary Rude Dude. We'll hear all about Ian's creepy daycare pal, his first date at the age of sixteen, and get a world premiere catch phrase by the time this comes to a close. Unfortunately, we'll also have to putter through "The Dating Game", which is ... not great! Everyone is trying to capture the elusive magic of the "perfect" first date: Stephanie is trying to court Josh, who may or may not be gay dumdum; Danny is trying to reignite a spark with Vicky with a disgusting meat boot; Joey is desperately trying to fuck his boss, and Steve? Steve's just trying to eat, dude. Whaddya got? Fruit? Cool, dude. Donuts? Cool, dude? Tin can found amongst the briny shoreline rocks? Cool, dude. XOXO

Mary Catherine Curran rolled over to the studio on her fly as hell Pepsi bike because she's our 100th unique guest and that's how she fucking operates. M-Cat joined us for "A Very Tanner Christmas", in which the two youngest daughters learn an important (offscreen) lesson; Steve alters his life plan for DJ, and Becky complains about the gilded cage she has built for herself. Other items on the agenda: Michael Jordan, too much tickling, and sexy dangerous spank bank cinema. Remember, everyone, it's the people that make Christmas special, not the presents, and if someone wishes you a happy holiday season, push their non-secular ass into traffic. P.S. Thank you to Mary Catherine and the 99 incredible Rude Dudes who came before her, you are truly the reason why we have been doing the show this long. Merry Christmas! XOXO

Lilliana Winkworth showed up for the podcast wearing a fabulous loofah costume and she is not apologizing for it because it is 2016, baby! Join us as we review "Designing Mothers", in which Danny must once again tackle his fear of change and the Rush Hour Renegades fear for the soul of rock and roll. Will a new woman in Danny's life ruin his chances for happiness? Will a new woman in the lives of the Renegades ruin their chances for happiness? Do women just ruin shit all of the time, is that what we're supposed to fucking get from this? In other news: Snow globes, Sondheim, and a sexy new woman in Brandon's life might be ruining his chances for happiness. It's a brand spanking new episode of How Rude!, baby, so let's get down to it! XOXO

Greg Yates braved the insanity that is Chicago's Market Days celebration so he could record our 110th episode and for that we thank him. We thank you, dear Greg, for sitting with us and watching "I'm Not D.J.", in which Topanga and Brace Face (AKA "the Jennifers") pressure poor Stephanie into getting her ears pierced. Is she ready? Should she have placed her trust in Kimmy, a girl who is only trying to help but is consistently demonized by everyone around her? Perhaps only Stephanie can answer these questions. She is an individual, after all! Oh, but back to the gratitude: Thank you, Greg, for enduring the scene at Uncle Jasper's Kiddie Kuts, otherwise known as the Well of Infinite Nightmares. And thank you, Greg, for telling us about your retainer mendacity and the worst haircut he ever received. We love you, Greg! XOXO

We learn a lot in this episode: We learn that the childhood fears of honorary Rude Dude, Gabi Moloney, were more than justified when you look at the terrifying evidence. We learn that doing 'shrooms in the forest comes with some basic safety rules you can't afford to ignore. We learn how Emma is a total butt. And we learn that Jon should never be the editor for a sleazy tabloid mag. But more than anything we learn that Michelle has lost her grip on the power she once wielded so effortlessly, all because a Norwegian Goat Boy and the Mutt Man are freaking her shit out on a daily basis. Can she spot a ray of hope in the form of her Uncle Joey, a man who has been terrorized by a closeted homosexual since his college days? We'll learn the answer to that question as well. Learning. Is. Fun. Duh. MENTAL, BABY. XOXO

TJ King could not be more relaxed. With his authentic Japanese fan he is able to cool himself with minimal effort, and he has the sort of confidence one needs when you're a turtle who learns how to fly. He's got that X-factor, baby, and you can't teach that shit! Join TJ and your lovable co-hosts as we dive into "The Play's the Thing", in which an amazing young man named Derek destroys Michelle's world with the kind of talent she'll never possess. EVER. In other news, Danny is fucking with Becky's routine and Steve is being a whiny little prick. We debate the merits of Popeye's versus KFC, envision a better, more honest play for kids called America: The Real Shit, and come to realize that TJ is our second guest to confuse Dave Coulier with Jeff Daniels. LOOK! HERE COMES THAT YANKEE DOODLE BOY. XOXO

Matt Kidd faced the scorching summer heat to tell us all about his foul-mouthed grandmother, gossip-loving mother, and appreciation for twins with bountiful bottoms. Speaking of twins: Twins! There are way too many twins in "Trouble in Twin Town". There are also way too many fucking plots! Becky's snooty cousins are in town for the local twin expo and Jesse is determined to slap the silver spoons that are currently in their mouths so he can make them eat crow. Eat crow, you slob-hating snobs! Stephanie is pulling a "get smooched quick" scheme on a pair of mouth-breathing dum-dums. Be yourself, you thirsty queen! Danny is worried about Vicky's latest foray into the locker room of the Chicago Bears. She's getting fucked, dude, make your peace with it! Finally, Michelle is watching her distant relatives pretend to play Sega Game Gears. If you're so rich, buy a fucking cartridge, you Stephen King wannabes! Also: Jon tells an unsettling story about a friendly man's house and Brandon has an idea for a new video gam

Alex Marianyi is a man who stands on his own two feet. Alex Marianyi is trying to take your dinnertime prayers seriously. Alex Marianyi loves your fried hair and doesn't want you to change. He is also our honorary Rude Dude for the week, which means he had to sit through and help us dissect "Educating Jesse". That's right, Jesse is going back to school after revealing a secret that completely undermines everything we've heard about him in the past. It's a laughably stupid retcon ... but what are ya gonna do? At least it allows us to cut away from the Michelle plot, which is all about tying Goddamn shoes. Oh, be still, my heart! Also: Everyone gets confused by Joey's Star Trek impression and no one seems to know if a "chocolate Twinkie" is known as a Ho Ho or a Ding Dong (spoiler: It's a Ho Ho). We hope you enjoy this week's offering, but just know that no one will find Jon funnier than Jon himself. XOXO

Phoebe Stonebraker is a modern farmer with a passion for rollerblading and slut wave music. She's also our honorary Rude Dude for the week as we return from our holiday break. What's happening with the Tanner clan this time around? Well, for starters, DJ and Steve are in mother fucking LOVE, baby, and there's nothing the patriarchy can do to stop them from kissing like two hesitant mannequins. Vicky's flown in from Chicago and Danny will have to put up or shut up in the feelings department. Coming in dead last is the Joey and Jesse plot, in which the former must carry the dead weight of the latter as they tape the first session of their new radio show. Is it bad? Yes. Is it as bad as some of the episodes we've reviewed as of late? No, but that's not saying much. Are you happy to have us back in your lives? Of course! Let us know that by penning a five star review in the iTunes Store. PROVE YOUR LOVE TO US. XOXO

Jacob Eugene Horn joined us just as the summer heat ramped up and reduced us to little more than slaphappy goons. It's that time of year, folks, so strap in! We learn all about Jacob's siblings and their ghost story terror tactics. We also get a breakdown of his entire history with bands, most of which sported truly dreadful names. But ya know what we also talk about? A stupid. Little show. Called. 'Full House'. This week it's "Radio Days", in which Jesse's dashed dreams of superstardom in Asia are replaced by a desperate need to work at some two bit FM station, Stephanie pens salacious stories about her sibling's love life, and Edie McClurg stops by to effectively ruin poor Joey's life. Additional topics: Single White Dagwood, Jesse in the Magic Boarding School of Mysterious Sex Times, and the slap heard 'round the world. P.S. We're taking the week of July 4 off! Love you! XOXO

Jyreika Guest may have had a "come to Jesus" moment while watching this week's episode, "Road to Tokyo". The scales may have fallen from her eyes and what was once must-see TV now may seem just a tad ridiculous. Maybe. Spoiler: Definitely. Join us and the Tanner family as we take a journey to the other side of the world and bear witness to Jesse's fall from grace. The B-Plot Department is working overtime as Stephanie breathlessly awaits a call from a dummy, Michelle digs her way to Tokyo, Joey actively tries to bug the shit out of Danny, and DJ attempts to thwart the political aspirations of her one and only friend. WAY TOO MUCH IS GOING ON. We'll also learn about Jyreika's first grade school crush and how he's doing in 2016. It's all great! And you're great too! XOXO

I heard Clayton Margeson of the Talking Games podcast joined us this week. Is this a false assertion? Nah dude. Join us as we kick around "The Long Goodbye", in which everyone is dealing with some sort of separation anxiety. Danny and Vicky are worlds apart and their genitals are suffering for it. The distance between Jesse and his children grows as he continues to make them "men". Finally, Michelle and Teddy's friendship is being threatened ... and one of them will do whatever it takes to keep it intact. Whatever. It fucking. TAKES. Also: Brandon is demanding more from our modern bubble technology when he's not calling Jon's masculinity into question. It's yet another rock solid bit a podcasting goodness, so head on over to the iTunes Store and leave us a five star review! XOXO

Alex Nichols is the first new guest after five weeks of marathons and one week of nauseating porn coverage, and we couldn't have been happier to have him in the studio. Join us as we cast a wary eye on "Come Fly with Me", the season six premiere that reveals how quickly Nicky and Alex grew over the course of one summer. Even more inexplicable is Stephanie's "introduction" of Steve to the Tanner family. God fucking dammit, Full House, Steve is not a new character! Sure, you have one throwaway line about how DJ dated him in S5, but you can't do that AND have the entire family act like they've never seen him before. It's insane! Also: Joey is being a creep, Jesse is struggling with "Forever" and its lack of Billboard success, and Stephanie falls for a choir nerd. Alex has experience as a film extra and his Dad interviewed the FH cast back in the '90s, so don't think this episode isn't packed ... because it's packed to the gills! For the record, the TGIF show about a football player is called 'Brother's Keeper'.

Casey Sapphire (aka Eddie Klinker) joins us for a third time to help cover the utterly disgusting and not at all funny 'Full Holes'. The women seem troubled, the men are possible sex criminals, and we are largely clueless as to the so-called parody's intended audience. In other news, Brandon and Eddie are making a lot of progress with their Looney Tunes XXX project and Jon discovers the porn role he was meant to play, whether he likes it or not. Uh! Uhhh! UH! UHHH! XOXO

Libby Schreiner is back and with her return we can finally put S5 in the ground. Pick up a shovel, get yourself a good scoop a dirt, and say goodbye. Thank you, Libby, thank you for setting us free. And thank you, Marvin, for being a fuzzy little dog pal who kept us sane during our screening of the following six episodes: Yours, Mine and Ours; The Trouble with Danny; Five's a Crowd; Girls Will Be Boys, and both parts of Captain Video. Highlights? Oh, we got highlights for ya. How about a deconstruction of Brandon's intimate seduction techniques? Or perhaps a window into Brandon's taste as he talks about his love for Big Dog parody shirts? If you're only here for sitcom shop talk, we would recommend a conversation toddlers have about superheroes ... a conversation we are STILL HUMORING in 2016. Can girls be superheroes? Can girls do anything without having garbage dumped on them? Maybe. Maybe! XOXO