How Rude! The Full House Podcast

James Dugan knows exactly what he wants from his entertainment, whether it be from the TGIF lineup or the Power Rangers canon, so when he tells you this week's episode of Full House is nonsense, you better believe 'im, baby. "You Pet It, You Bought It" is honest to God one of the stupidest things we've watched since we started this enterprise in May of 2014. It's just straight up about Michelle buying a donkey and that's pretty much it. There are Civil War gags, there's an endlessly reoccurring bit about the Three's Company theme, but beyond that, there is literally nothing here. To make up for the lack of content, Brandon shows off his best Salem, Jon shows off his best Trump, and James talks about the hottest day he can remember. Also, Brandon doesn't know his Hitchcock from his own cock. Stop reading and start listening! XOXO

Geoff Dow spends an inordinate amount of time watching YouTube videos that actively call the viewer's sanity into question. He's a Wood Pusher, a Gladiator lover, and his artistic skills cannot be matched, at least when it comes to sketching one of our beloved Rude Dudes. Can you say the same for yourself, kind sir or madame? I thought not! Geoff joined us to watch and discuss "To Joey, With Love", the first example of a FH episode where the title has honest to God fuck all nothing to do with its plot. Seriously, why is this called "To Joey, With Love"? Please tell us. Please send an explanation to thehowrudepodcast@gmail.com. So what is this about? Well, it's about Joey's disastrous turn as a substitute teacher for Michelle's class, which we're pretty sure is Failed Career #11 for poor Joe-Joe. It's also about Jesse, who hates his brother-in-law, and Danny, who hates the very idea that anything could happen under his roof that doesn't directly beat his ego off. Everyone is a disaster and nothing matters, thi

Clayton Margeson returned to the How Rude! studio just so he could spend an inordinate amount of time playing Mary-Kate and Ashley: Sweet 16 - Licensed to Drive, a Gamecube title that defies logic and thumbs its nose at the very idea of fun. Seriously, this is a bummer of a game, and we honestly feel sorry for the poor kids who actively sought it out or received it as an ill-advised gift. But hey, if you always thought the Mario Party games were a little bit TOO varied and moved a little TOO quickly for your taste, you're gonna love the fuck out of MK&A:S16LTD. We also take a moment to imagine what a proper Full House video game would be like and quickly come to realize that 2002 was the worst year for music in the history of both music and years. Jeff Coffee, we hardly knew ye. XOXO

Sometimes the content presented in a random episode of 'Full House' reflects the experience of our guests all too well, and that's the case with Damian Anaya. His story about a particularly secret Secret Club is just delightful and we can't wait for you to hear it. Yes, it's time to discuss "I've Got a Secret", a 20+ minute chunk of nonsense that's stuffed to the brim with plot. Michelle is dealing with her batch of doofus chums, Kimmy is sending DJ into a jealous froth by going out with Nelson, the Dads are making back alley bargains with The Seedy Man, and Jesse and Becky are taking a moment to go over their respective Fuck Triumphs. We also discover Share King Aaron hails from the Pet Semetary, no big deal. XOXO P.S. Kathryn Zaremba, who plays Michelle's pal Lisa, comes off as an Annie knock-off because she WAS an Annie knock-off one year prior to this episode, playing the role in a musical sequel called 'Annie Warbucks'. Was it off-Broadway? You bet your sweet buttons it was off-Broadway. But the New York

Surena Marie's first party had all the conventions of a TV sitcom: Saying you're going over to a friend's house? Check. Teenagers drinking? Check. Sneaking back home without anyone noticing? Check and check! So you can see how she could relate to "Making Out Is Hard to Do", in which Stephanie stumbles into a steamy lip-lock marathon hosted by bad girl Gia. Except ... do make out parties exist? Have they ever existed, or are they merely the creation of creeps who write for TV sitcoms? The world may never know. Plus: Jesse is having his 40th mid-life crisis, Jon is talking way too much about Starbucks' history with boycotts, and the Rude Dudes find out they're honest to God no better than the Rush Hour Renegades. It's ... a chilling moment, to be sure. P.S. What the fuck happened to Mickey? Did Gia kill Mickey? REST IN PEACE, MICKEY. XOXO  

The Rude Dudes are on their tummies for another delightful bonus episode ... but are those tummies ... filled with ... pizza-pizza? No-no-no. Too early for pizza! Instead they gorged on heaping helpings of 'You Again?', a 1986 sitcom in which John Stamos and Jack Klugman bounce off each other in true Odd Couple style, and 'Topsy-Turvy House', the honest to God Russian adaptation of 'Full House' in which a creepy as fuck ginger monster dotes on frightfully skinny children. Neither is ESPECIALLY compelling, but hey, you're not here for the content. You're here for those goofy, doofy, oh-so poofy Rude Dudes! Right? You're here for them? Please love us. Them. Us. THEM. XOXO

Mike Migdall has a girlfriend. Okay? Do we have this down? He's also our guest and the latest in a long line of honorary Rude Dudes, which means we made him sit through the thoroughly uninteresting and wildly pointless "Breaking Away". Yes, it's finally time for Nicky and Alex to enter preschool. Remember when they were admitted into that fancy preschool like ... two seasons ago? Well, NOW it's time for them to go. Except now they're just going to some public skank ass preschool so I guess absolutely no one in that writer's room gave a flying fuck. We can assume there was a high amount of turnover in that room though, right? Maybe literally no one remembered that original plot point. Who cares! We also learn a lot about Jackie Chan Adventures while trying to determine if Mike has ever ordered a pizza. Has he? We're asking. And then: We read a very nice email from a listener! It's great! XOXO

Lindsey Smith had a dream of one day visiting the mysterious and exciting world of her local (dilapidated) mall's Under 18 dance club. Alas, like the dreams of sitcom characters we know all too well, her dreams were stymied ... by FAMILY. Oh, family, when will you set us free? Why do you pin us to the earth when we so long to FLY? Lindsey, otherwise known as Boss Mommy, is here to help us discuss "Comet's Excellent Adventure", in which Jesse's dream of being a rock star officially dies because no one will leave him the fuck alone for two Goddamn minutes. Meanwhile, Comet is getting straight fucked as if he's not going to be dragged kicking and screaming back to the Astroturf hellscape that is the Tanner home. Live life while you can, Comet old boy, because that sweet Lassie love won't last forever! XOXO

Sometimes it's difficult to see the forest for the trees, and sometimes you have to say fuck the trees and burn down the forest if you hope to make it out alive and with your sanity intact. That's why we invited Brad Pike back to watch and discuss EVERY SINGLE EPISODE of 'Full House' Season 7. Those episodes: It Was a Dark and Stormy Night; The Apartment; Wrong-Way Tanner; Tough Love; Fast Friends; Smash Club: The Next Generation; High Anxiety; Another Opening, Another No Show; The Day of the Rhino; The Prying Game; The Bicycle Thief; Support Your Local Parents; The Perfect Couple; Is It True About Stephanie?; The Test; Joey's Funny Valentine; The Last Dance; Kissing Cousins; Love on the Rocks; Michelle a la Carte; Be Your Own Best Friend; A Date with Fate; Too Little Richard Too Late, and ... last but not least ... A House Divided. We survived, damn it, and now we can tell the tale of our experience. Is it harrowing? YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT BY GOD.

Brandon and Jon are ringing in the New Year by taking some recent feedback to heart and trying something different for the podcast. This week they're deconstructing "Fuller House: New Year's Eve Countdown", which is about the Fuller House characters counting down to the New Year on New Year's Eve. We hope you enjoy the trivia and our overall explanation of what happened. XOXO

Justine Krueger is back to help us sift through the remains of 'Fuller House' season two: A Tangled Web! Glazed & Confused! New Kids in the House! DJ and Kimmy's High School Reunion! Nutcrackers! Happy New Year Baby! We got through every single sloppy second of it and were pleasantly surprised to find that it's actually better than the former half of the season ... in some ways. Pro: Multiple black actors are given speaking roles. Con: The show decides to give Max a girlfriend in a display of bizarre, difficult to quantify homophobia that is honestly astonishing. Important note: We're taking two weeks off for the holidays, me lovelies, so we'll see you again come January 9. We love you. We'll miss you. But you will never be far from our minds. Creepy, right? XOXO

Carlos Luna is back in the Rude Dude Studio to discuss the first SEVEN episodes of 'Fuller House' season two. "Welcome Back" introduces us to the Ashton Kutcher xerox of a xerox that is Jimmy Gibbler. "Mom Interference" introduces us to CJ and Crystal, characters I'm sure we'll all grow to love over the next twenty seasons of this Goddamn show. "Ramona's Not-So-Epic First Kiss" introduces us to the Irish culture while freaking Brandon right the fuck out. "Curse of Tanner Manor" introduces us to Halloween while "Doggy Daddy" introduces us to a dog who can really take a hot corned cob down his throat like a champion. "Fuller Thanksgiving" introduces us to a hip as fuck Danny Tanner (who we somehow completely forget to mention), and "Girl Talk" introduces us to the new and improved Gia. Also: Straight twelve-year-old Jon asks Carlita out to the Hippie Hop and it doesn't go well. XOXO

Brandon and Jon are back and their bellies are fit to burst with boffo bonus babies, baby. That's right, they're giving birth to little bonus babies. Isn't it beautiful and also a word that starts with "b" that is synonymous with disgusting? This time around your intrepid Dudes are forsaking screens and diving into the world of fine literature with "My Best Friend Is a Movie Star" and "The Story On Older Boys". In the former, poor Michelle must contend with the fact that some people are more treasured than her if she's ever going to make a rich as fuck friend. In the latter, a 14-year-old Stephanie manages to convince everyone at DJ's college she's a freshman because everyone at DJ's college is a fucking moron. Also: Brandon takes a Best Friends Test that may or may not determine the future of his friendship with Jon. Who knows? It may ... and it also may not! XOXO

Flip on your snit and bop on your soggy bounce because it's time for another delicious / nutritious bonus episode! This week our tummies our full of pizza once more as we discuss the 1986 Bill Allen / Lori Loughlin vehicle 'Rad'. It's the timeless story of a white guy who wants to do something and everyone else is like "No way!" and the white guy has to take a stand be all "YES way." Have you seen any number of underdog sporting flicks from the '80s? Then you 100% know what you're getting into with this nonsense: Gouda good music, villainous yuppies backed by snarling, corporate bastards, and enough Canadian background extras to fill three Tim Hortons. Maybe you didn't expect the Canadians. How am I to know? P.S. Jon accidentally refers to the miniseries 'V' as 'Z', so if you wanna call him out on that ... don't. Be nice. Being mean is not rad! P.P.S. Brandon still has that third floating wish from when we covered 'The House Meets the Mouse' and God help us all when he chooses to have it granted. XOXO

Numbs 1: Meghan Murphy is a fantastic, extraordinarily funny person and we were so happy to have her serve as our latest honorary Rude Dude. Numbs 2: She's an enormous Disney nerd and an expert when it comes to their theme parks, which makes her the perfect person to discuss "The House Meets the Mouse". Is it little more than a 40-minute commercial for people who were on the fence about visiting Walt Disney World? Of course not, and we wouldn't have it any other way. Numbs 3: Brandon got a black eye while riding a damn roller coaster and only his Mother can provide answers as to why this happened to him. For why, mother? For why? P.S. Did you notice Brandon never cashed in his third wish? Brandon just has a floating fucking wish that he can use whenever he wants now! He's more dangerous than Michelle Tanner, I do say, I do say. XOXO

Rob Grabowski of the Remake podcast and Le Cordon Bleu College of Culinary Arts in Chicago joined us just in time to mourn the death of democracy ... in more ways than one. True, Trump is our next President, and that's beyond horrifying, but what the fuck is going on at Steve's senior prom? Who's counting THOSE votes and why are we assuming they have our best interests at heart? All I'm saying is that if Kimmy and Gorilla had been taken seriously as candidates they would have been wearing those crowns at the end of the Goddamn day. But no, heaven forbid Rachel and her Stevie not get to stand on that stage, they "earned" it! LOCK. HER. UP! So anyway, "Prom Night" is on the menu this week and it's real fucking dumb and I cannot believe Trump is going to be our next President. But hey, we're still alive, we're having fun, and Jon's gonna throw a pizza prom next year, so maybe it will all be okay. Maybe. XOXO

Nathan Kaplin could have gone to his very grave without having seen a second of the nonsense that is 'Full House'. But what happened to him? We happened to him, we did, we did. We took Nathan, we sat him down, and we made him watch "Room for One More". Fine, we didn't *make* him watch it. We asked him very nicely and he agreed to do it. But even so. Even so! We ruined this young man and for that we should be punished. Punish us. "Room for One More?" is all about Jesse and Becky wanting to have another kid. Their ultimate decision blows our minds and from this point forward we honestly have no idea what is coming next. Like, seriously, what the fuck is going on? Also, a pig named Scruffy is on the scene to warm our hearts and make our blood run cold, and he's the best part of the entire episode. We love you, Scruffy, please eat us out. XOXO

May Tilden took a short hiatus from writing wedding jingles to help us deconstruct "Grand Gift Auto", in which Uncle Joey desperately tries to assert himself as a person worthy of the family's respect. Can he do it with flashy material goods? Can he do it by appealing to the Tanners' basic human decency? No. And no! You will never be truly loved, Joey, you simple, dithering fool. YOU WILL NEVER BE TRULY LOVED. In the midst of this discussion we also make time to plan a Broadway in Chicago revival of 'Grease!' and solve a maddening food mystery, so if you think that might tickle your fancy bone, then get to listening! Did you write a five star review in the iTunes Store, you Goddamn bum? Can we appeal to your basic human decency? PROVE YOUR LOVE. XOXO

Bonus episode? Bonus episode! To celebrate the Halloween season, Jon and Brandon filled their tummies with pizza and are on the floor to tell you all about "Strip or Treat", the 4th season premiere of Freeform's 'Baby Daddy' sitcom. Our experience with 'Baby Daddy' taught us a few things: Straight male friendships are awesome and uncomplicated, young women are shrews, old Moms don't deserve pleasure, and Latin men are mucho-mucho sex gods. It's a moldy, lame show, is what we're trying to say. We also make time to pitch Brandon's new idea for a series and ask an all too important question: Is Tahj Mowry gay ... or should we just simmer down? Happy spooky-ooky Halloween! P.S. Since the recording, Jon has lowered his rating of "Strip or Treat" to 2.5 Baby Daddies.

Caitlyn Schwimmer is our honorary Rude Dude for the week as we tackle "Subterranean Graduation Blues" from top to bottom. What else do we do? We learn about bar and bat mitzvahs. We tuck in with an icy bowl of Coldies and Cream. We examine Caitlyn’s tomboy / girly girl aesthetic. We diagnose Spacey Lady. We discover a trilogy of Candace Cameron films that simply must be covered in the near future. We create an appropriately disgusting ad campaign for El Bloato. We learn about a cat named Jafar. And we swap terrifying train tales. What more could you want? What more would you have of us in these trying times?! We love you. XOXO