What Healthy Couples Know That You Don't

Dig down underneath the resentments to communicate or begin the dead-end path to bitterness. Everybody has a choice about which direction to go in. We avoid the “risk” of asking real questions, so we can stay in the safe zone of not dealing with someone else. We have our imaginary conversations, we decide we know how it will turn out & we bail. Authentic conversation requires real effort in real life.

Trauma deeply challenges our sense of safety and security in the world, which often has an impact on relationships. It’s natural for those who have suffered trauma to feel that building close relationships is frightening because they don’t want to experience more hurt. Someone who is coping with trauma may feel disconnected from themselves as well as their partner.

Responding is harder to do because it is more complicated than just defensively reacting. Respecting your partner is all about responding & reacting is only all about you. This episode will help you think about how to  improve responding to your partner. 

Erectile Dysfunction impacts relationships & couples don’t know how to talk about it & don’t have enough information about it, so this episode is all about correcting this problem. The Cleveland Clinic reports 1 in 10 men will experience ED in their lifetime & only 25% of men with ED receive treatment.

Money & sex are the two things couples argue most about. Most couples don't want to talk about it because they fight. Budgets are like diets, they don't work. Learn here how to think about a spending plan. Instead of beating yourselves up for your past attempts at trying to talk about money, try acknowledging where each of you come from in terms of your family histories without judgment.   

Everybody buries themselves in piles of doubt & insecurities that clutter up our lives & our relationships. Some of us cover things up better than others, but no one escapes obsessing about their fears & doubts. Facing your anxieties & insecurities by decontaminating your brain is achievable. Listen & learn how to do it!

Relationships thrive when the 4 pillars of successful relationships are nurtured. The 4 pillars are Honesty, Respect, Generosity & Negotiating. Relationships are one of the most important parts of life & there are no classes in high school to help you learn how. Make no mistake about it, relationships are a lot of work because everybody is wired differently.

Self-sacrifice has been misinterpreted by too many, as the way to be the "best" partner you can be. For this episode I have Alicia Munoz joining me to discuss how  you can use your own experience of pleasure and joy as a compass to guide you to being more fulfilled as a person, and therefore, a "better" partner. When I heard this topic, I immediately thought of the stewardess on the plane advising parents to put their own mask on first in the event of a plane crash.

Emotionally unavailable men are something many partners experience. I think the greatest pain about this problem is that it leaves both people in a relationship feeling even lonelier. Today’s episode is to help us understand this dynamic & move towards solutions instead of giving up. Relationships can survive difficulties when there is a more balanced understanding instead of blame. Certainly women can also be emotionally unavailable.

Self-confrontation is a rare commodity in human beings. It’s really hard to look honestly at yourself. Digesting hard truths about yourself is no easy task. We are all so good at telling ourselves it’s ok when it’s not. We justify why we did something, we make it ok, we make excuses for ourselves. Facing a harsh truth about yourself, makes you feel bad & that’s the point, the discomfort helps you to decide “I’m not doing that again." 

Gay couples have insights to offer all couples. Interview with Michael Dale Kimmel author of The Gay Man’s Guide to Open and Monogamous Marriage. He offers important ideas like what is the intention of your marriage? to have fun, share great sex or deepen an emotional connection to stay together for life? He also invites you to consider emotional monogamy if you are in an open relationship.

When you've been in a relationship with a disturbed manipulative person, regardless of where they are on the spectrum, you get into a real habit of looking outward far too much. All of your attention and energy is focused on what are they going to do next? How are they going to react if I say, or do this? You train yourself to look outside of yourself where you have no power or control. You have to learn how to build security within & invest in yourself instead.

Divorce is letting the obstacles pile up to create a grand canyon of distance. Nobody lives in a paradise of love & agreement. If they do it’s still the beginnings or it’s a false reality where one person is swallowing too much or withholding who they really are. Loving enjoyment of each other combined with disagreement or conflict are both natural, ordinary patterns of being together.

Attachment theory is important because it's going to help you to understand your own relationships. Information is power and recognizing yourself in one of these attachment styles could really improve your future. If your parenting was unpredictable in childhood you might develop into an anxious attacher or also called angry & ambivalent; a clutching to get what you want. If you were ignored early in life you become an avoider or distancer because they learned they have to depend on themselves. The best attachers are secure, and so they don’t react so impulsively. Interview with Annie Chen.

Ross Rosenberg is important because he gave us a new way to think about codependency as self love deficient. He also explains why so many codependent people are addicted to being with the wrong partner, are afraid to be alone & often hook up with narcissists. He offers observe/ don't absorb as a technique to change & grow. 

When you are trapped together it can be easy to get stuck in obsessing about all the negatives that annoy you. Our brains love to hang onto negativity. Sometimes people miss that heady excitement of being in love which is different from actually living with love. Living with love means the work of acceptance. Acceptance of the annoyances because you are well aware of how annoying you are as well.

  Relationships so easily end up in feeling critical of your partner or annoyed, that’s because living together exposes us to the other person’s dark side. Our brains encourage us to indulge our negativity. Add to that any resentments that have silently piled up which will feed stinginess. The resentments lie waiting in the dark to whack your partner off at the knees. 

Marriage is work because it’s a very tricky business for a marriage to get things right for BOTH people. That’s why marriage is hard work. The movie A Marriage Story gets a lot of things right. You watch how both Charlie & Nicole have responsibility for the demise of the marriage. Charlie is someone who takes up most of the space & Nicole allows it to happen.

Safety is a way we lie to ourselves about what will work to have a better life & better relationships. We clutch at believing it is safer to avoid talking about problems with our partners. Choices made for safety are always choices made out of fear. Safety is about the false comfort that false beliefs offer.

Babies arriving home, don’t have to erase relationships. We all love babies, they are so great and they're so wonderful. They're also tiny bloodsuckers that demand enormous time and energy from parents. My guest today is Joni Parthemer who is going to share her ideas of how to prevent the parents' relationship from disappearing.